Scientists believe that the BJP doesn’t exist

8 Replies

With the UPA government bogged down in scandal, internecine and coalition politics, the inability of BJP to cash in on the waning popularity of the government has led scientists to believe that the party may not exist at all.

“Normally, when the government’s approval declines significantly, it is reasonable to expect the Opposition to gain ground. Instead, all the disapproval seems to have vanished into thin air and has not resulted in any gains for BJP. Naturally, we have grounds to believe that BJP may be non existent. The data collected suggests that the party might, in fact, be a black hole”, said Dr. Viru Sahasrabuddhi, a leading scientist from the Indian Institute of Science, at a press conference in Bangalore.

Theories about the non-existence of BJP are nothing new, and have been steadily gaining ground since the debacle of 2004 elections. However, Dr. Sahasrabuddhi admitted that there is still some nagging evidence to the contrary, such as statements made by the perennially outspoken Uma Bharati, considered the stormy petrel of BJP.

“It is the consensus of the scientific community that there is no logical explanation for Ms. Uma Bharati”, he said.

In Other News

According to sources, we believe that the DMK party, acting on advice from McKinsey and Co, will exit politics by the second quarter of 2012, and instead focus full time on their core competencies in land grabbing. Mr. Karunananidhi, the octogenarian leader of the party, has also been advised by McKinsey to “lose his scary sunglasses”. “We believe that his frightening Darth Vader look could be the sole reason for escalating tensions with neighboring states”, said a McKinsey partner under assurance of anonymity.

Acceding to demands from Darul Uloom Deoband, the UPA government successfully foiled the plans of author Salman Rushdie to visit the Jaipur Literary Festival. In a further attempt to appease the Deoband and garner votes in the upcoming UP elections, the government has now petitioned the US to include India in its Axis of Evil, demanding the slot recently vacated by Saddam Hussein.

Democrats cheered Newt Gingrich’s victory in South Carolina in the US Republican presidential primaries. Reactions have ranged from “ecstatic to euphoric”.

Zen moment of the week

A Karan Johar produced remake of an Amitabh Bachchan movie from 1990, Agneepath opened to brisk box office collections this weekend. We may lag China and the US on the economic front, but, we are the undisputed world leaders when it comes to unimaginative remakes of crappy movies. The What Ho! team plans to launch a civil society movement towards the creation of a Jan Lokpal dedicated to monitoring and stopping Mr. Johar from entering any movie set in the future.

[note] The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to. [/note]

On being secular

10 Replies

Everyone wants to be secular these days. The newspapers are full of important people who are anxious to let everyone know how important it is to be secular. “The minorities are such a maligned lot. They cannot take care of themselves. It is up to us – the enlightened majority, to take care of them. How else will they survive?” Why, the other day, an important secular man married a minority woman to drive home his point. Now, I hear that he is writing a book to let us know that it is working well.

This has all been very heart warming for me. A tear rolled down my cheek when I heard our Law Minister bravely breaking the law and demanding special quotas for minorities. “We will give the minorities exactly the importance they deserve!” he thundered. “What selfless bravery and nobility”, I thought as I reached for my handkerchief sobbing like a child. “Why can’t the others be enlightened too”, I cried, alarming my ten year old who was busy with her homework essay on Why it is important for all Indians to celebrate Christmas. The bad guys just don’t seem to get it. Rather than understand how special our minorities are, they seem to suffer from the delusion that all of us are equal.

On a flight back from Delhi, I was seated next to a prominent secularist. I shook his hand vigorously, thanking him for showing all of us the way. “Why don’t the bad guys get it? It is so obvious”, I protested. He looked down at me over his spectacles, with a knowing smile. “My chap”, he said patting me in an avuncular fashion, “the others don’t want to get it. All they seem to want is for every one to be treated equal. We are not all equal, you know”, he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Whatever do you mean?”, I asked in amazement with the anticipation of a worshipper about to be inducted into a cult. “The minorities need help. For years, they’ve needed us to take care of them. It is our duty to do so. That is the truth”, he concluded with a flourish. “You mean, we should be such noble people and help them to not take care of themselves?”, I shouted in amazement at the brilliance of the idea. He nodded and smiled like a Buddha.

“Why, it’s so simple. We can do even better. We should give them special laws so they don’t even have to worry about the constitution. After all, the constitution was probably written by a bigoted majority chap” I shouted, besides myself with the joy of having discovered the ultimate truth. “I know’, he said, “and we already did”, he clapped his hands, “They have their own laws”.

“Wait, I have a brilliant idea. The problem is that they are a minority. I say we let them convert all of us by paying us money. Then, they can become the majority”, I screamed, dazzled by own genius. “Done. Next?”, he cut me short. Crestfallen by my inability to come up with an original contribution to the secular cause, I tried again, “I say we make one of them the President”.

“Where have you been, boy? That started in the fifties. You’ve got to do better”, he chuckled. Gasping for a lungful of air, and desperation mounting, I cried “ Let’s pass a law that says that anyone who proclaims that all Indians are equal will be jailed. That ought to really shut up the bad guys”.

“Hey! wait a minute, we never thought of that”, said the important man. As he got into his chauffeur driven limousine, he handed me his card. “Give me a call. I think you have the makings of a great secularist, my chap”

This satirical piece was written by me in 2006. It is being published in What Ho! with minor changes from the original piece with permission granted to me by myself. Have you read What Ho! ? If you didn’t know, you’re already here at What Ho!

The What Ho! Guide to Driving in India

6 Replies

The Uninformed Reader might scoff at, and even under-estimate the significance of the dark art of driving in India. To her, I must point out that data collected from observation of Indian drivers has been the only reason that scientists have been nail down the exact moment in time we homo sapiens branched off from our ancestors.

Say what? What ho, let me explain. Scientists estimate that humans branched off from chimpanzees exactly 7 million years, 240 days ago, at 11am in the morning. They were able to nail this date and time down precisely by comparing remnants of chimpanzee DNA found in Expert Indian Drivers and DNA found in normal Homo Sapiens (aka lesser mortals). By analyzing the differences, they were able to compute the time it must have taken for 100% pure chimpanzees to mutate into half-ape, half-human entities – otherwise known as – yep, you got it – Expert Indian Drivers.

So, scoff not and read on.

The What Ho! Guide to Driving in India

1. Never assume anything. Assumption is the mother of all screw ups

Let’s start with an example. When driving on the Outer Ring Road in Bangalore, you might consider yourself blameless for assuming it to be a major roadway of sorts, on which traffic flows unencumbered. In an unguarded moment, you might carelessly flirt with the notion of putting metal to the pedal and speeding things up. Wrong assumption.

India is a country of 1.2 billion people, living on 3.3 million square kilometres of land. Unfortunately, the Reddy brothers own 75% of land in India, and so the area available to the rest of us boils down to a fraction of what it could be. There’s not much room to move around in this country of ours. What this means is that the average Indian has to conduct his business in public. Consequently, terms like Outer Ring Road, National Highway 4 (NH4), etc. are loosely meant to describe anything along the lines of children’s parks, playgrounds, parking lots, race courses, cattle sheds, places of worship, venues for cricket matches, etc. However, I will concede that on rare occasions, traffic might be allowed to pass through. But, that’s besides the point. The point is – don’t let names lull you into making wrong assumptions.

A sure sign that you don’t have active remnants of chimpanzee DNA in your system is that reading this will have the effect of either frightening or depressing you or both. Despair not.  There is good news. There still exist those places you can drive freely with abandon. It’s just that, thanks to our lack of attention to detail, we’ve named these places wrongly. For example, pavements, airport runways, residential streets, gated communities and parking lots are places where you can roll the windows down and experience the joys of driving on an open road. When you find yourself in one of these locations, feel free to let your hair down and have a wild time.

While we’re on the subject of assumptions, I feel compelled to go on a tangent to belabor a related point. I’ve often noticed a mistake committed by neophytes in the process of mastering the road shastra. Which is to assume that there will be sign boards at the sides of the roads, and these aforesaid sign boards will convey meaningful information. Out here in this lovely land of ours, sign boards are akin to newspapers. They are the best places to get information on movies that have been just released or the scoop on the local elections. Experts are beginning to come around to the point of view that traffic sign boards may be the sole and ultimate reason why we have a citizenry that has unusually high levels of general knowledge.

2. There is something called “Too much information”

The fact that you are driving on the road does not imply that you should pay attention to or know everything that is going on around you. Listen carefully when I say that there is something called “too much information”. There is no better place in the world that this phrase applies than on Indian roads. What this means is simply, you must not, I repeat, must not absorb any information about the goings on around you. Road nirvana, which is the zero information state, has thus far been achieved only by auto rickshaw drivers and cyclists who, scientists claim, closely resemble random particles in Brownian motion. The Nirvana state has been described as a blissful state of simply being, in which illusions of material activities around the self are obliterated into complete nothingness. Trust me when I say that your iPod may be your best friend on the roads. Put on your favorite music, crank up the volume and get set to experience moments of bliss. In fact, this article was conceived, typed up and posted while driving from work to home.

In other words, do what you feel compelled to, unmindful of anything else that may be going on around you. Stay focused on gaps in spaces ahead of you (or behind you, as the case maybe). Make it the sole purpose of your existence to penetrate those gaps faster than a photon shot through the Large Hadron Collider.

3.  Be aware of the power of stationary objects

Technically, this falls both into both categories of “wrong assumption” and “too much information”. But, this insight carries such enormous significance that I felt compelled to call it out separately so what ho! readers do not miss its import.

Surprising as it may sound, some of us are human. And, it is a natural human tendency to associate driving with motion. For the humans amongst us, driving raises strong visual images of steering an object that is moving. Under certain circumstances, it turns out that nothing could be farther from the truth. Yes, there will be those situations when the best form of driving is to suspend all motion.

First, let’s understand the critical benefits of static energy on Indian roads. The case for stillness and complete lack of motion starts with the important point that a stationary object will never be blamed. This is especially true of static objects found in middle of roads. Examples of stationary objects are bull dozers, city buses, large groups of people buying and selling stuff, Manmohan Singh, traffic policemen, abandoned vehicles, small and large sized animals, and occasionally birds in addition to the usual fare of impediments such as stupas, edifices and national monuments which are there on roads for the sole reason that it hasn’t yet occurred to anyone to move them. In fact, a team of archaelogists have carbon-dated a 5-foot tall granite stump smack in the middle of NH4 as belonging to Chandragupta Maurya’s period. So, for thousands of years, we Indians have learned to navigate around animate and inanimate objects that we encounter in our paths.

Now for how to convert this blinding insight into an actionable plan. When in trouble or doubt, immediately convert yourself into a stationary object. If you’ve been slipping and making the mistake of absorbing information from your surroundings while driving, you will find yourself nervous and paralyzed with shock from time to time. When this happens – Come to a complete halt, switch the engine off and have a cigarette. Use the break wisely by catching up with the latest bhangra beat or calling your near and dear ones. Because you’ve converted yourself into a stationary object, no harm can and will befall you. The traffic will begin to magically adjust, weave and make its way around you, while you enjoy beatific solitude and the stiff drink that you so richly deserve.

So, there you go. The 3 commandments from our “Beginner’s Bible for Driving in India”.

Astute readers will point out that there are those other rookie mistakes like assuming that – to drive, you’ll need a driver’s license, should be possessed of eyesight, should be older than five years of age, etc. etc. – all of which, I’m sure you’ll agree with me by now, fall into the categories of wrong assumptions and too much information.

In parting, I must point out that you must realize that not every one amongst us is destined to master the road shastra and get behind the wheel. For those who have suffered Fate’s cruel sleight of hand in not having adequate chimp DNA in the system, all I can say is – Treat your driver like a Greek god and make burnt offerings every day at the altar.

If you liked this, you’ll enjoy reading Horn OK Please – on the delightful practice of honking on Indian roads.

The Secret Powers of Time and Regret

10 Replies

We live in an incredibly fascinating world. I found more evidence of this in the last couple of weeks while reading a couple of different but related articles.

The first insight came from a video by Professor Philip Zimbardo on the “The Secret Powers of Time“. The good professor posits that we, humans, tend to live in one of six ‘time zones’ – 2 of which focus on the past, 2 on the present, and 2 on the future. Of those who live in the past, there are those who are ‘past positive‘ who focus on the ‘good’ memories (birthdays, weddings, past glory, etc.). And there are those who are ‘past negative‘ and wallow in regrets and failures. Those who live in the present can be divided into hedonistic “seeking knowledge, pleasure and living for now” and those who view life as fated “my life is destined to be thus and no amount of planning will help”.

Most of us are ‘future oriented’, mainly because evolutionary forces have favored this approach. That’s the reason we are here and carry this genetic predisposition. According to Prof. Zimbardo, there are two ways of living in the future – One is to be disciplined, learn to work than play, to avoid temptation of the present and postpone gratification. There is another way to be future oriented, which depending on your religious views, starts with the premise that life begins after the death of the mortal body, and one has to earn the rewards for what happens in the after life, in this life.

For example, Protestant nations tend to be very future oriented and consistently outperform others in every economic measure thanks in big part to the Protestant ethic of ‘trusting the future, working hard and earning the right to be called God’s chosen people’. Interestingly, countries that lie along the equator, where weather patterns are uniform and things don’t often change, tend to be more present oriented. Catholic nations such as Spain or Italy tend to be more past oriented. In fact, incredibly so much so that there are cultures (in Southern Italy) which do not have words for ‘plan’ or denoting the future tense.

How about the quality of life in the time zones? Countries which tend to be present oriented tend to have the longest life expectancy. And cities like New York City and London which lie at the furthest end of the future planning spectrum have been observed to have the highest rates of coronary heart disease.

So, the “time culture” of the people makes a profound impact on the personality for a nation and on the personal outcomes for its inhabitants. Fascinating! Another way of internalizing this might be to say – you are likely to be happiest when living in a country/city/neighborhood or working for a company which matches your own personal “time culture”, assuming we have the luxury of being to able to make that choice.  As much as some of us might complain about how slowly things happen in India, there are those of us who believe it to be one of its charms and the secret of its endurance.

The second insight came from an article from Psyblog, which describes the “amazing power of regret to shape our future“. The key observation made by the author is that – regret is not just a backward looking emotion. It is also forward looking. Which is to say that we have the power to anticipate regret and we try to avoid it. This is truly a powerful insight into the workings of our minds.

The article also provides a very cool example of how anticipation of regret works, and sometimes in very irrational ways!

Swapping Lottery Tickets – An example of how we anticipate regret:  In a study, people were asked to first choose lottery tickets. Once they had chosen, they were asked if they’d be willing to exchange their ticket with another person. Those willing to exchange were offered a chocolate truffle as incentive. Surprisingly, less than 50% agreed. Why surprising? Because all lottery tickets have an equal chance of winning, and there is nothing better or worse about any ticket. So, it would make sense to take the chocolate truffle and exchange your ticket every single time.

So, why did more than 50% of the people act irrationally?

This is where anticipation of regret kicks in. We tend to project into the future when making decisions and imagine consequences. Though this is usually the right thing to do, sometimes it works against us. What if we exchanged our ticket and it ends up being the winning one? It is this anticipation of regret that at times stops us from acting rationally and taking the no-brainer chances that come our way. By the way, the only species of organic life observed to be immune to anticipatory regret are auto drivers in Chennai who would rather turn down a handsome offer and wait it out in the auto stand for more. Again, this is one of those things we might have always known instinctively. But, it’s worth a pause to reflect on how anticipatory regret shapes the decisions we make in our lives.

On this note, I leave you with a few questions, the answers to which could improve the quality of the lives we lead.

Which cultural time zone do you belong to? Are you past positive, hedonistic or future oriented? Do you believe in after-life? Does the company you work for or the neighborhood, city, country you live in – reflect your time zone preferences?

I’ve heard a few people claim that they don’t have any regrets. The more useful question to ask is – Do you have any anticipated regrets?

You can watch Prof. Zimbardo’s video on YouTube. And, you can read the Psyblog article here.

pip pip and toodles.

Kingfisher announces discounts for passengers willing to fly plane

4 Replies

In an aggressive bid to stay afloat, Kingfisher Airlines has announced massive discounts for passengers who are willing to fly the plane. However, the airlines has put in strict qualification standards for eligibility.  “Only those with a two wheeler license and a helmet are eligible for the scheme”, cautioned the airlines spokesperson. “Also, preference will be given to those passengers who’ve downed a couple of quarts of whisky in the sixty minutes preceding the flight”, she added. In a related announcement, the company chairman revealed that, due to budget cuts, this year’s edition of the Kingfisher calendar will feature Air India staff instead of the usual glamorous fare.

In Other News

Inspired by Dr. Manmohan Singh’s track record in politics, Jawaharlal Nehru University in India has announced a brand new master’s degree program in Political Silence. “A leader is known by the silence he keeps. We can’t think of a better person to serve as honorary head for this new department”, said the University Chancellor in a press release.

In a continuing aftermath of cyclone Thane, which swept through coastal Tamil Nadu, millions of households in the state continue to remain without political power.

It is rumored that Kim Jong Un, the new Supreme Leader of North Korea, has suffered a nervous breakdown just one week after taking over as head honcho. An anonymous inside source said that the new leader “is seriously worried about whether he is crazy enough for the job. I mean, he knows that he’s clearly nuts. But, this job calls for an all new level of insanity”

Presidential candidates in the US primary, in the meanwhile, have warned that the US may not be able to wage war against terrorism and gay rights at the same time. “It’s time to pick our priorities. With Bin Laden dead, Elton John has emerged as the biggest threat to the free world”, said Newt Gingrich at a rally in South Carolina.

The Zen Moment of the Week

Reacting to criticism that the government has remained indifferent to the travails of the common man, Home Minister P. Chidambaram today unveiled what he described “a color-coded apathy alert system” that will help the public gauge exactly how sluggish the government’s attitude is likely to be.

“In the past, people have wondered if the government is up to anything” Mr. Chidambaram said in a press conference in New Delhi. “I’d like to clarify that we remain firmly committed to total indifference. And, it’s my belief that this new system, based on just 3 color codes, will keep the public better informed about the government’s exact level of apathy. This will take any guesswork out of the equation”

“Each of the three colors denotes a specific level of government apathy”, Mr. Chidambaram explained. According to the new system, the color green will signal “normal apathy – ignore real issues, pooh pooh allegations and issue denials in face of mounting evidence”. Orange will denote “enhanced apathy – continue to deny even after Supreme Court convictions”. Red color code will stand for “extremely severe apathy – subversion of Parliament, and token Cabinet shuffles combined with sudden amnesia”.

“As you might have observed, we’ve been able to move the Jan Lokpal bill from green to red in just three months”, added the Home Minister.

However, Mr. Chidambaram was evasive and indifferent to questions on how and when the system was going to be implemented. “I don’t see  why we should rush this,” he told reporters. “This is just getting off the ground. We’ll get it to red in due course of time”

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Indian Union Cabinet sent to halt Iran’s nuclear program

4 Replies

In an encouraging sign, India has agreed to send its entire cabinet of Union Ministers into Iran in an internationally orchestrated attempt to disrupt and halt Iran’s nuclear program. “These guys can stop anything from happening. They are an A-team when it comes to creating internal tussles, leaking confidential information, paralyzing programs and not taking decisions. We have the utmost confidence in them”, said UN secretary general, Ban-Ki Moon in a press release. “We’re standing by and fully prepared to send in the US Congress along with Dr. Manmohan Singh, if this crew can’t get the job done”

In other news

Digvijay Singh has entered a twelve step program to help him stop blaming RSS. “I have a problem”, acknowledged Diggy when reached over the phone. “A big problem”. He added, “The problem is serious. At first, I used to feel the urge just after meals, 3 times a day. And, pretty soon, I started blaming RSS during drinking sessions. And then, it got out of control and I now blame the RSS at least 20 times a day, and often three times before breakfast”. A health expert advising Diggy has warned that it was not going to be easy. “Often the person experiencing addictive behavior substitutes one addiction with another. In this case, we’ve asked Diggy to substitute RSS blaming with something more socially useful like an anti-Karan Johar position, which we all can wholeheartedly approve”. Later in the day, Diggy came out swinging with a verbally abusive tirade filled with invectives against the release of Agneepath.

Fears that the upcoming elections in UP might turn into a fiasco have been somewhat alleviated by the announcement that Bollywood director duo, Abbas-Mustan has agreed to direct and produce the elections. A political analyst, who preferred to remain anonymous, commented, “There have been serious concerns that elections in India’s largest state could turn into an international laughing stock. But, we’re now relieved that this dynamic duo has signed up to making this into a blockbuster action hit”. Abbas-Mustan have already got off to a swinging start, sacking two thousand candidates “who lack oomph” and have promised to get actors, Bipasha Basu and Katrina Kaif, onto the ballot. The move has already been criticized by political insiders who questioned the actors’ lack of leadership experience. “The critics can go to hell”, said the confident duo. “These are the same guys who questioned if Abhishek Bachchan and Bobby Deol could rob a moving train”

In a move to boost sagging fortunes, Kingfisher Airlines announced that it will now begin stowing passengers in overhead compartments. “Every rupee counts”, explained the airlines spokesperson tersely.

The Times of India group has announced a merger with the Congress party. It is rumored that the financial terms include a sound-bites-for-cash swap. “We’ve been working lock step with the Congress party for the last decade. This move is a mere acknowledgement of the fact”, said a Times group spokesperson. In the new org structure announced, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh will now report to Indu Jain, chairperson of the Times Group.

Zen Moment of the Week

Just a year after a team of scientists determined that Pluto was not a planet after all, the same team reconvened in Mumbai today to pronounce that batsmen on the Indian cricket team were, in fact, not batsmen at all. Indian cricket fans have long suspected that the original characterization of the top order in the Indian batting line up as batsmen may have been in error, but today’s announcement removed any shred of doubt.

“While the likes of Gautam, Virat and Mahender undoubtedly possess some qualities consistent with what you’d expect from batsmen, we’ve come to the conclusion that they are something else entirely”, said Dr. Kolaravi Shastri of the University of Mumbai. “It would be more accurate to characterize them as dwarves”. Dr. Kolaravi also added that it was “understandable” why scientists had assumed that these individuals were batsmen for many years. “They looked like batsmen. They walked like batsmen. They carried bats and wore helmets. For God’s sake, some of these chaps even scored runs in ODIs. Based on observations made in Melbourne and Sydney in the last two weeks, we now understand these mysterious objects better. We’ve changed our theory because they have consistently failed to exhibit one important characteristic that is common to batsmen”, Dr. Shastri clarified, “scoring runs in test cricket”.

BCCI welcomed the findings and announced a test series against Netherlands, in which all the matches will be played at Ferozeshah Kotla and the toss to be won by Indians.

A very happy new year to what ho! readers! God bless.

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

IIT Delhi unveils Theory of Unintelligent Design

4 Replies

Scientists from the Indian Institute of Technology, Delhi unveiled a radically new “Theory of Unintelligent Design“, which they said was inspired by the bitter feud waged over the years between the theory of evolution and the theory of intelligent design. Providing evidence in support of the new theory, they introduced Exhibit A “Digvijay Singh“. However, Prof. Malhotra from IIT-Delhi, although a die-hard proponent of the new theory, warned, “People, don’t put your stock in just one theory. Even this concept, as powerful as it is, cannot possibly explain everything Diggy does or says. The unified theory of unintelligent design continues to be our Holy Grail”

IN OTHER NEWS

In a rare appearance on national television, Sonia Gandhi offered an upbeat assessment of her son’s fortunes. When quizzed by a television anchor on the crown prince’s recent snafus and plummeting approval, she said, “His numbers were not that great to begin with anyway. So, things are working well for him”. When asked for her opinion on Mr. A. Raja and his incarceration without bail, she responded, “From what I gather, he gets three square meals a day and plays squash twice a week. Things are working well for him”. Responding to concerns about instability in Pakistan related to Asif Al Zardari’s deteriorating health, she said, “Things are working well for them”

Given worsening economic climate and the Congress leadership coming under increasing scrutiny for corruption, the BJP confessed that it was looking for as many ways as possible to squander the opportunity and lose the next general elections. A high level committee comprising L K Advani, Rajnath Singh and Nitin Gadkari has been formed to ensure that the party does not fare well at the hustings. “We’re being given an opportunity on a silver platter. While it’s still too early to think about losing elections, we nevertheless remain focused on identifying an uninspiring PM candidate”, Gadkari confided. ” If we execute this well, that’s the only position that a BJP party member can expect to win”, he added.

In a stunning revelation, a government spokesperson admitted that the recent impassioned speech in Parliament in favor of FDI-in-retail was in fact not given by the Prime Minister, but by a look-alike plastic blow up doll. An elated Congress party worker said, “Man, the toy hit it out of the park”. Parts of the public were not amused. Said one voter, “This is not funny. If I wanted an inanimate object up there, I’d have voted for John Abraham”

In a clever move in tune with its conservative bent, and simultaneously aimed at capitalizing on a burgeoning opportunity, India has legalized gay divorce with immediate effect. An Infosys spokesperson applauded the move and commented, “We’ve been keeping a close eye on gay marriages in the US and Canada. When those marriages go south, we’ll offer a low-cost gay divorce destination here in India. We have no idea why we need engineers for this, but we’ve already hired 4,000 of them in anticipation. We’re also pleased to announce that Kim Kardashian has joined us as senior VP to lead this”

In other news, a careful inspection of George W Bush’s memoirs revealed that US invasion of Iraq was a result of a Microsoft Word auto-spell-check-and-correct feature. “It was supposed to be Iran”, the former President’s spokesperson admitted.

Angry West Indian fans, upset by the drubbing of their team in India, have threatened to boycott the team “unless they start taking steroids immediately”. Responding with alacrity, the Caribbean cricket board has roped in Ben Johnson, the former Jamaican sprinter, to lead their performance enhancement efforts.

ZEN MOMENT OF THE WEEK

In a bearish sign that does not bode well for the Indian economy, the RBI governor, Dr. D. Subbarao, allegedly left a restaurant without paying the bill for his soup. According to an eye witness account, the governor was nervous and fidgety after getting the bill, and first attempted to pay in Iraqi dinars citing the weakness of the Indian rupee. When that failed, he gave the staff the slip and vanished without a trace. Addressing newsmen, Kolaveri Raja, a soup boy at Saravana Bhavan in Chennai, sang an eloquent version of the incident as follows –

Yo boys, I am sing song. Soup song. Flop song.

Why me. Why this. Why this Kolaveri Raja- di?

Empty hotel-u, Governor come-u. Life reverse gear-u. 

soup eat-u. bill avoid-u. my future dark-u.

I gave him bill-u, but he gave me bouv-vu.

God-u, I am dying now-u. He is happy, how-u?

cow-u cow-u, holy cow-u, i want to know now-u

This song for soup boys-u. We don’t have choice-u. 

Why me. why this Kolaveri Kolaveri Raja a-di?

Take two, folks and check out Kolaveri video to the right-top of this page. Enjoy!

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Till Death Do Us Part: The wisdom in love and marriage

14 Replies

Groucho Marx said, “I refuse to become a member of any club that’s willing to admit me”. This clever absurdism reveals the innate human tendency to desire something and yet feel unworthy of it at the same time.

It’s been such a long held, gloomy Western tradition to view marriage through a Marxist lens, that one wonders how marriage happens at all in those societies. Imagine the odds of two strangers coming into contact with each other and upon examination, incredulously find themselves so mutually compatible as to finally overcome the Marxist objection and then proceeding to subject themselves to an oscillation between the Marxist extremes of yearning to be with their loved one and longing to be rid of them. Eroding western self esteem, especially among women when it comes to marriage, has spawned chick flicks, flit lit and whole genres of beauty products and talk shows around “why you’re worth it”.

The Indian male lies at the polar opposite end of the spectrum across from the western female, and is often barges into clubs uninvited and without membership. Look no further than the typical matrimonial advertisement to find proof of complete absence of any Marxist tendency on his part. The matrimonial preferences of the Great Indian Male have evolved steadily from “caste and age” in the ‘60s and ‘70s to physical attributes “extremely fair and beautiful” in the ‘80s to ‘the physically perfect working woman’ in the ‘90s and this decade. The males themselves have been subject to lesser standards, with the “teetotaller, non smoker and broad minded” staples ruling the roost uninterrupted over the decades. Yes, serial killer you can be, but thou shalt not smoke.

Times, they are a changin’, for the Indian male. The male/female ratio in Indiahas steadily dropped over the decades. More women work now in 21st century India already compared to the entire 20th century. Still, the pool of ‘eligible women’ is so much smaller than ‘demand’ that women now call the shots in matters of matrimony. The Indian male is in dire straits and it’s not clear if he understands that.

 But, I digress. This is not about the Indian male. It’s about the wisdom of love and marriage.

Wisdom is that which arrives when we realize that we were not born with the skills to live, and embark on the journey to acquire them. The dawning of wisdom brings with it a desire to aim for tranquillity and peace and live a life devoid of anxiety and fear. It tells us to avoid the excessive enthusiasms and the pains of bitter disappointments, and that frogs don’t always turn into princes. Above all, wisdom helps us control our fears and arrests our flights from imagined shadows on the walls. It tells us that we should not fear death but we should fear fear itself.

So, what does wisdom say about matters of what the poets have called the ‘heart’? Is love like smoking which gives you pleasure but to be given up entirely? Is it like exercise to be practised with predictable regularity because it is healthy? Or is it chocolate and wine to be indulged in, when occasion calls for it? Is the contemplative worship of the divine extolled by the Vedas or the brotherly love taught by Jesus superior to the rash love of a Romeo and the crazed acts of an Othello?

The romantics will insist that love is uplifting much like music, and with enough therapy and counselling, pain and disappointment can be averted. Romeo could have met someone more suitable through cupid.com. Othello just needed to work out his aggression on a therapist’s couch. And, all Devdas needed was a stage IV intervention.

The stoics, on the other hand, will quietly aver that love is a losing game in which the players chase chimeras, and will advocate abdication of the emotion. In a rare moment of anger, they will rise up and tell us that we are destined to love only that which we don’t possess and that the acquisition of the object of desire sounds the death knell for love. They will tell us to ignore the unavoidable reality that humans were born to love. They will point out that for a man and a woman to live together day in and day out for a lifetime is one miracle that Vatican may have overlooked.

Perhaps it is wiser to view love through different lenses, and not the Marxist, romantic or stoic ones. Maybe it is simpler to view love as ‘mature’ and ‘immature’. Immature love subjects itself to the wild swings of idealization and disappointment, and finally meets its end with death or distance or both. Mature love resists idealization, and proactively appreciates the good and the bad within us and pushes for temperance. Death does not do mature love part. As veterans of marriage will put it, marriage is the process of continuously getting used to things you didn’t expect. In fact, creative arguing may just be the secret of a happy marriage. Many a young couple embarks on the journey not knowing how to argue and find their way through trial and error. But, immature love brooks no argument or compromise. And, when we refuse to argue or compromise, we put ourselves on the road to some kind of a cataclysm.

We just might begin to appreciate love when we resort neither to dogmatic optimism or a philosophy built on fear. For it is love that teaches the analytic mind an inescapable life lesson that it is analysis, and not love, that is flawed.

Wasn’t it Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart who said, “Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go into the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius”

Also, check out the infinitely funnier “For Better or For Worse”  from the Laughing Gas collection.

BCCI announces bold steps to make cricket even less appealing

4 Replies

BCCI has announced bold steps to revamp Indian cricket to make it even less appealing to fans. The President of BCCI said, at a press conference, “We’ve taken specific policy decisions around match fixing which are path breaking in nature. All series played by India in India will be won by India. We also expect all away games played by India to be won by respective home teams, except in the cases of West Indies, Zimbabwe, Bangladesh and New Zealand. Also, we’ve offered to let Australia lift the next world cup in exchange for uranium supplies”. In an unrelated development, a female Indian weightlifter tested negative for steroids, sending shock waves through the athletic community.

In other news

Kingfisher Airlines, beleaguered by debt, is offering a “pay for fuel as you go” scheme to passengers. Observers of the airlines industry have welcomed the move saying that it could be a winner. A Kingfisher Airlines spokesperson commented, “We analyzed our problems in-depth and found that basically we don’t have money to pay for fuel, which prompted us to launch this promo. Passengers on Bangalore-Mumbai flights, for example, will be offered options on-board to pay for fuel either ‘all the way to Mumbai’ or to buy a half ticket and get air dropped into Tiruppati”.

The much hyped by-election in Bellary in Karnataka went off peacefully. In an impressive sign of Bangalore’s growing technological prowess, results of the election were announced even before voting had begun.

Disappointed by the lacklustre performance of his government in the first half of its term, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has drawn up an ambitious plan for the remainder of its tenure. He announced, “My cabinet will complete Angry Birds Rio with three stars in all levels by 2014”

A team of scientists which has studied Digvijay Singh’s DNA has concluded that he may lack the gene for “talking sense”. They also stumbled onto the “random gibberish” gene hitherto not found in humans. After analyzing Diggy’s blood work, they claimed to have found “high levels of potassium” indicating a diet rich in bananas and nuts. An angry Congress spokesperson denounced the findings saying, “These results are baseless and untrue. Scientific studies have found apes to be perfectly capable of speech like sounds”

In a bid to combat ‘sharing of objectionable content online’, Union Minister Kapil Sibal has demanded that all Indians change their Facebook passwords to ‘congress420‘. A govt spokesperson explained, “The Hon’ble Minister wishes to log in to any free citizen’s account at anytime and wanted an easy-to-remember password. congress char sau bhees is about as easy as it gets”

In a move that has taken long-time observers of Hell by surprise, Satan has returned the soul of A. Raja back to the former telecom minister himself. A spokesperson for Lucifer had this to say, “It’s true that our dark Lord had an agreement with Mr. Raja. Our Master deeply regrets this and begs public forgiveness for his appalling lack of judgement. In disgust and good conscience, he’s returned Mr. Raja’s soul to him”

The Ministry of Health and Family Welfare has issued a code red alert warning people about “a dangerous outbreak of Emraan Hashmi movies that could pose a significant threat to public safety. We’re working hard to contain the pandemic and advise citizens to take suitable precautionary measures such as avoiding cinema halls and Sony Max”

Zen moment of the week

Bollywood producers announced an innovative movie making technique in which a wax statue of Ajay Devgan will be used in place of the actor in Gol Maal 4. “We’ve extensively tested the concept in focus groups of movie goers around the country, and the results have been amazing. No one could tell the difference. This should cover us till Gol Maal 12”. A Madame Tussauds spokesperson commented from London, “We’re pleased to be partnering with Bollywood on this important project. The demand for John Abraham and Katrina Kaif wax replicas has gone through the roof”

cheers, folks. Have a great weekend.

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.