Tag Archives: politics

If I Became the Prime Minister of India

If I became the Prime Minister of India, here’s what I would do.

Day 1 morning: I will conduct my swearing-in ceremony at 9am on a Monday over video conference from my desk in the office, while finalizing a proposal to completely eliminate paper money in five years. The bill will be taken to Lok Sabha by 11am. It will be passed within 15 minutes because every MP who votes for it will be “creatively rewarded” for doing so. Rajya Sabha MPs will be arrested if they don’t vote for the proposal. Eliminating paper money will effectively eliminate bribes, kickbacks and theft of public money. Now that I’ve solved the problem of corruption in the first 2 hours of assuming office, I will now don my bullet proof vest and move onto other matters.
Day 1 post lunch: Unknown to everyone, I will have sneaked in fine print in the aforementioned proposal which will impose a mandatory 1-term limit on every elected official in the country. This term limit will stay in effect for 50 years. In other words, no one will be allowed to return to any elected position irrespective of whether they have done a good or a bad job. I will thus have stripped the incentive for crooks, thugs, criminals, perverts, cheats and liars to become career politicians and increase their influence. Instead, this will lead to ordinary citizens stepping forward to represent the people by donating 5 years from their careers. They will hopefully make decisions in the best interests of the country. I will announce this in a nationally televised press conference, during which I will release my own post-dated resignation letter with a legally binding commitment to not contest elections at the end of my tenure.
Day 2: I presume that today will be Bharat Bandh, supported by all political parties including my own, who will all be deeply unhappy with me. I will smile wistfully as I prepare for a direct televised address to the people of India. In the address, I will inform citizens that rules of voting have been changed as follows:
1. If a citizen is qualified to vote and is found to be not registered to vote, a fine of Rs. 10,000 per unregistered voter will be collected from the winning candidate in that constituency.
2. If a citizen is qualified to vote and is registered to vote but has not voted, that citizen will be arrested if they use Facebook to bitch about me.
3. Citizens will be asked to pick their top three voting issues. They will be given an exam for 100 marks on these issues. Votes will be assigned weighting based on marks in the test. For example, if a voter obtains 75 on 100, his vote will be assigned a 75% (=75/100) weight when counting. Voters will be assigned ranks based on their marks and they will vote in the order of the rank received. Voters obtaining 100% will be unconditionally granted the Bharat Ratna and allowed to treat the State Raj Bhavan as their personal guest house.
4. I expect Kota and Hyderabad coaching centers to be set up by enterprising entrepreneurs to help citizens crack the voters exam and improve their ranks. Once these centers become successful, I will nationalize them.
Day 3: It’s likely that the country has descended into shock and chaos by this point, and Arnab Goswami has been taken to the hospital after suffering a heart attack. I will take the day off to golf. This will give everyone time to ponder options about how they can get rid of me.
Day 4, morning: I expect to have the login credentials with passwords for all Swiss accounts held by Indian citizens, from the team of four B. Tech. computer science students from IIT Madras whom I have hired for this purpose. The five of us will spend the morning sipping hot cups of coffee and silently transferring money from all the accounts into the government treasury. I expect to net $1.2 trillion dollars or higher. I will publish the final audited figures here on What Ho!. Each citizen will be mailed a check for $1000 equivalent in Indian rupees along with a box of Swiss chocolates within 14 days, through registered post, acknowledgement due.
Day 4, Post lunch: I will announce a bill that will provide the constitutional rights to every citizen to 1. Drive on the wrong side of the road 2. Never have to stand in queues 3. Receive refund with interest to every Ram Gopal Verma movie he may have seen in his life. I will also announce the appointment of superstar Rajnikant as the only minister in my Cabinet. He will hold approximately 64 portfolios at any point in time, and will be assisted by fresh IIM grads. I expect these measures to create an unstoppable wave of popularity that will overwhelm and remove all ill-will I may have created on Day 2.
Day 5: I will conduct a triumphant Rath Yatra in four major cities during which I expect to be mobbed like Justin Bieber by school children. Songs from Dabangg 1 & 2 will be played at full blast wherever I go.
Day 6: On this day, I will move with the purposefulness of a lion and the speed of a cheetah.
Day 6, 11am: A call center with approximately 100,000 employees will be in place, made possible with the help of Airtel. These call center employees will call every elected official in the country to get status updates on projects. For example, “Have you fixed those three potholes on 2^nd main 4^th cross Koramangala?” will be repeated every 2 hours with the local councilor until the job is completed. A fine of Rs. 1 lakh will be levied on any official who does not answer the call.
Day 6, 1pm: I will now grandly announce that we have nabbed Hafiz Saeed and Dawood Ibrahim through “Operation LeT Them Come To Us.” This operation will involve luring the duo to Mumbai on the promise of a Hindustan Times Leadership Summit keynote speech and a personal, warm interview with Barkha Dutt on NDTV.
Day 6, 4pm: I will attend a special screening of Viswaroopam 2 only because both Kamal Hassan and Rajnikant invited me to join them, and that’s the way I roll.
Day 6, 9pm: I will pour myself a stiff one, lean back on the sofa and watch the 1983 Prudential World Cup finals through the night in loop.

Day 7 onwards: Now that I have accomplished every goal I had set out to, I will spend the rest of my term solving the following more complex and intriguing problems, which pose a clear and present danger to the country’s well being:

Can we get a minimum of 3 fast bowlers who can bowl at 140kmph+ into the Indian cricket team?
Can we somehow ensure that neither Laloo Prasad nor ND Tiwari produce any more progeny?
Nitin Gadkari & Khaki shorts: Can this be made to NEVER EVER happen again?
Can we constitutionally levy super-taxes on any person who spouts uninformed opinions on Twitter?
Can we work with the scientists at CERN to investigate Rahul Gandhi to identify specific skills, if any, that he may possess. These CERN guys found the God particle. This should give them an even bigger puzzle to solve.

Jai Ho. God bless India.

I want to enter politics. Kindly advise.

2012 – A Year in Review

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It was the sort of a year in Indian politics which raised an important question, “Which of these guys do I dislike the least?”

It was the kind of year that made me add ‘having a functional government’ to my bucket list. It was a year in which our phones got way smarter than our ministers. There was nothing to fear but fear itself.. and Mamata Banerjee. Offensive religious films were made. Riots broke out in the Middle East. India was a shining example to all those countries. We watched Ra One and didn’t lose our cool.

In 2012, the history of India was written in Comic Sans font. Usually, it’s countries which have parliaments. The only parliament which had a country was the Lok Sabha. Each Parliament session cost as much and lasted as long as a Kardashian marriage.

It was a year we watched TV and read newspapers to find out what we already knew to be not true. Most people spent more time on their Facebook status updates than our government spent on planning our future. Activists did the job of the media. The media did party work. Parties worked for corporations. In short, it was business as usual. No one did what they were supposed to.

“Politicizing armed forces. Investigating CAG. Not debating bills in Parliament. Undermining of institutions. Ignoring citizen protests and anger. Well played, UPA.”

It was also nice to know that no matter how bad things got in our country, Mayawati and Mamata were always on hand to make them worse. It was heartening to see Didi building bridges in 2012, to the 14th century. The Chinese must have looked at us and wondered what kind of a country they plan to get into a skirmish with, in the future.

Our democracy is an amazing thing. Where else do you to get to choose people who watch while you get tear gassed and lathi charged? If the government wants to gain the people’s confidence, then deploying 10,000 policemen at India Gate is not the way to go about it.

“Dec 29, 2012. Black Saturday. God bless your soul, Brave Heart. I hope we never forget you.”

2012 – A year in review

The year got off to a bright start for Suresh Kalmadi, who walked out of Tihar with a smile on his face. The next morning, citizens of Greece rioted when they discovered that their country was, in fact, owned by Kalmadi.

The nation’s largest state elected its chief minister in 2012. If Uttar Pradesh were to be an independent country, it would be the sixth largest in the world. Even bigger than Pakistan. In an electoral game of truth or dare, the Congress party, led by Rahul Gandhi, sadly continued to pick ‘dare.’ Mulayam’s winning formula was pretty simple and straightforward: 1. Announce the list of candidates. 2. Release them all from jail.

Speaking of elections, we had one in Gujarat too. Where Congress left no stone unturned in its bid to lose by sending in Rahul Gandhi to campaign. Narendra Modi completed a historic hat trick in 2012. It was obvious that, for right or wrong reasons, NaMo did well with one important demographic: voters.

Rahul Gandhi, the artist formerly known as Crown Prince.

There are many unemployed 40+ year old men in the country. One of them was tipped to become the Prime Minister in 2012. This prediction fell through, to the dismay of Rahul Gandhi’s supporters, most of whom are stand-up comedians. Polls showed that Indians had mixed feelings about Rahul Gandhi becoming PM. 40% were uncomfortable with the idea. 60% hated it. To be fair, Rahul did pick up some momentum during the year, which tends to happen when you’re rolling downhill.

Manmohan Singh, a man who thought twice before saying nothing.

Speaking of downhill, the economy went south, dragged down by global woes. As things went from bad to worse, Manmohan Singh’s silence reached a deafening crescendo.

It turned out that Manmohan Singh’s fiercest ideological opponent in 2012 was himself from 1991. They say that silence is golden. In which case, we discovered that we had a 24 carat Prime Minister. TIME magazine described the beleaguered Prime Minister as an “underachiever,” leading to his cabinet being described as a bunch of “under-the-table achievers.” The lone bright spot for Manmohan came from Pak’s Zardari, who backed Manmohan saying “Just because someone hasn’t won an election, that doesn’t mean he can’t run the country.”

In August 2012, Manmohan Singh stunned the nation by speaking on TV and asking for reforms support. He also promised to find out who was running the government that he was in charge of.

Word of the Year: “To Manmohan” which means “To silently ignore what’s going on” Example: “I think I’ll manmohan this month’s credit card bill”

Does BJP exist? Or is it a figment of our imagination?

BJP displayed a disconcerting tendency to surface as the main Opposition party at inopportune times. The problem with Congress is that they think that we the people are fools. The problem with BJP is that they haven’t yet realized it’s true. BJP went all out in Karnataka to prove that electoral losses in 2004 and 2009 were no flukes.

And then there was Nitin Gadkari, who conclusively proved that he was not the right leader for BJP. By leader we mean, of course, a fellow who didn’t know how to cover his tracks. Congress tried to portray Nitin Gadkari as corrupt. BJP hit back by portraying Rahul Gandhi as Rahul Gandhi. Poor chap, Gadkari was embroiled in scandals involving shell companies, drivers, cooks and other household help, and never really recovered from the blow of getting Sharad Pawar’s backing. Walking around in khaki shorts didn’t help his cause either. There was, however, some good news for BJP. Their leadership situation was so messed up through the year, that the media had no idea who to smear.

Bal Thackeray and Shiv Sena

There are some who arouse emotions when they live. Some when they die. It’s a select few who can do both. Bal Thackeray called a spade a spade while he lived. Sadly, he didn’t give the rest of us that privilege. Rumor has it that the battle for Shiv Sena’s top job has narrowed down to two candidates – Mike Tyson and Hulk Hogan.

The most important bill of 2012

The FDI in retail debate was complex. Thankfully there was one easy way to find the right thing to do: First, ask Communists, SP & BSP what to do. Then, do the exact opposite. Mercifully, the most important bill of 2012 was passed in the Parliament, freeing up the Government to focus on more important things like arresting teenagers over Facebook posts.

The man who really ran the country

2012 showed that it’s always a good idea to have Mukesh Ambani on your side. Unless, of course, if you’re in a boat. Rumor had it that the older Ambani brother had Congress in his front pocket, BJP in the back pocket and CNN-IBN in the shirt pocket. Which begged the question: Where the heck does he keep the cellphone?

Operation Re-election

Ajmal Kasab, the terrorist, was hanged in a secretive operation. When it played out in the US, President Obama authorized the operation to take out Bin Laden. The way it played out in our country, our PM was given the go ahead to watch TV and find out about the hanging. To make up for not letting him know about Kasab’s hanging, Sushil Kumar Shinde apparently gave ball-by-ball updates of the India-England cricket series to Manmohan.

“To those who’ve given their lives and risk them daily so the country can be safer: Our gratitude and respect.”

2012 sucked according to Dhoni

We got progressively worse at cricket with each passing day through the year. Right now, it feels like it’s the middle of next year.

Australia – on the road: Lost 4-0.

England – on the road: Lost 4-0.

England – at home: Lost 2-1.

We can’t win on the road. We can’t win at home. Hard pressed to think of another place to play. Evidently, rumors of a massive rift in the team are true. Between the bat and the pad. Say what you will about our cricket team, but let’s not deny that they displayed a remarkable drive for results and a keen sense of urgency. A review of 2012 cannot pass by without a salute to young Rohit Sharma, a modern day Gandhian, who does not believe in hitting even a run. All in all, 2012 resembled a bad day in Bosnia for MS Dhoni.

The Little Master

Age finally seemed to catch up with Sachin. He wasn’t half the boy he used to be. You win some. You lose some. And then, there was this little known third category when Sachin got his 100th ton and we lost the match. To Bangladesh. And then, Sachin bowed out from ODIs.

Olympics

2012 was the year of London Olympics. It was quite amazing to see that when they were not building iPads, Chinese kids were winning gold medals in Olympics. He was described as “too tall” to win sprints. Yet Usain Bolt 2-peated 100m & 200m golds. Well done, Mary Kom! Well done Saina! It was great to see that we were winning medals in shooting and boxing. I’m sure we all somehow felt safer knowing that. Then the Olympics ended. Tourists went home. And the Chinese women gymnasts returned to kindergarten.

Bollywood in 2012

Agent Vinod went on a mission across seven countries in search of the movie’s plot. If you haven’t yet experienced failure, it just means you haven’t tried hard enough, to understand why a movie named Khiladi 786 had to be made. Ra One took home the ‘Special Effects’ award. It also handily beat swine flu to top the list of the “things I’d like to avoid.” Inside every one of us is an incurable romantic self, which is assaulted by a Karan Johar movie every year. 2012 was no exception.

Men are from Mars and women from Venus. And Karan Johar is from, err.. Bandra?

Saif Ali Khan entered the holy state of matrimony, which he described as ‘that sacred bond’ between a man and his two wives. Man proposed. God disposed. And Katrina Kaif, err, exposed. And bless your soul, Yash Chopra, the man who romanced romance itself.

Other news makers of 2012

God was kind to comedians and satirists in 2012. He may have taken SM Krishna and Ambika Soni away from the Cabinet. By golly, he gave us Manish Tewari, the guy who put the ‘mini’ in minister by becoming Information & Broadcasting minister. To be fair, Tewari did well at Broadcasting. It’s the Information part he struggled with. To a world filled with noise and chaos, Ram Jethmalani added more noise and chaos. Ponty Chadha and bro successfully completed a mission to prove Charles Darwin wrong. And Shashi Tharoor re-affirmed the priceless bond that exists between a man, his wife and her Rs. 50 crores.

DLF borrowed at 12% and lent at 0% to Robert Vadra. How generous. These guys were the Piyush Chawla of the real estate business. Robert Vadra and Arvind Kejriwal made a great team in 2012. The former couldn’t answer basic questions. And the latter had two answers to every question. Coal Gate put a new spin on ‘Coal’ition dharma. Amidst the distraction around scams that unfolded through the year, A. Raja quietly slipped out and sold a bunch of 4G licenses on eBay.

Justice Katju was probably right when he said 90 percent of Indians are idiots. It’s just that the other 10 percent haven’t yet subscribed to the Times of India. Everyone has the right to make a fool of himself. Beni Prasad, SM Krishna and Digivijay Singh got full points for exercising their rights to the fullest in 2012. Through the year, SM Krishna resembled a guy at the mall confused by automatic doors. Beni Prasad Verma proclaimed that he was “happy with inflation.” You see, anyone can come up with a coherent sentence. But only Beni Prasad can take us to an entirely new dimension. Some day when aliens try to figure out why our society disappeared, hopefully remnants from Digvijay Singh’s skull will provide some clues.

In other news

Gold prices skyrocketed. And Bappi Lahiri was rumored to have been sold on eBay to clear the national deficit. Dinesh Trivedi, erstwhile Railway Minister, proposed bullet trains. Well, he got the first half of his wish.

Hamid Ansari held onto his title as the invisible man. Pratibha Patil’s tenure as President came to an end. Her 2-step exit strategy from office: 1. Transfer all frequent flyer miles to personal acct 2. Start new cooperative bank.

Vijay Mallya owns a building in Bangalore which has 21 stories. It turned that not one of them was the truth. Kingfisher Airlines, one of India’s best, was grounded in 2012. An unfortunate upshot of this is that the Kingfisher calendar will now feature Air India staff.

There were 2 Indian contributions to business lexicon in 2012.

A “Vadra” – when 50L becomes 500Cr in a short period of time. And the exact opposite called a “Kingfisher.” Which led to Newton’s third law of business, “For each and every Vadra, there must be an equal and opposite Kingfisher.”

Newton’s 4th law of IRCTC: A car starting from City A will reach City B in less time than it takes to book a ticket between cities A & B on IRCTC.

Around the world

4 more years of Obama. Love ’em or hate ’em. You’ve got to admit that the Americans showed spunk in re-electing an African American to the White House.

Mo Yan, a Chinese writer, took home the Nobel Prize for Literature. Out of sheer force of habit, the Chinese government arrested him on hearing the news. Truth be told, it was refreshing to hear that a Chinese guy wrote a book instead of xeroxing it.

So much blood was spilled in Gaza. It was bloody madness. When we spend our whole existences honing skills for war, why would we seek peace? The cycle goes go on. Ireland persisted with the delusion that they knew exactly what an invisible God would have wanted.

Xi Jinping did a great job with Beijing Olympics, and became Chinese President. Kalmadi did an awesome job with Commonwealth Games and went to Tihar jail.

A gunman killed 20 schoolchildren in Newtown, Connecticut.

As we head into 2013..

Public confidence in the government has hit rock bottom. In fact, the only thing government seems to be above is the law. The nation is in bad shape as we head into 2013. All these parties may talk about forming fronts, but they really want to show us their backs. Yet, in tough times, we must unite behind one leader. Until we find that leader, I guess we should support Arnab Goswami.

“Friends, Romans and countrymen, please stop looting the country. Especially you Romans.”

Happy New Year. Have an awesome 2013!

The What Ho! 2012 Year in Review was assembled using my tweets during the year. Keep track of the events of 2013 by following me on Twitter at Follow @waatho

An aam aadmi’s letter

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To whomsoever it may concern.

They call me aam admi. For you babalog, that translates to “ordinary man.” Presumably women are included in there as well. That’s what they call me. I don’t know the first thing about supply side economics. I’ve never listened to Beethoven. I couldn’t tell an IIT from an ITI. There are many things I don’t know. But, I have a God given ability to detect bull shit. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get a few things off my chest.

When we got our independence, I was ecstatic. I was one of the millions who lined up whenever the Mahatma gave us the word. Then, I heard that Pandit-ji had his reservations about me. He wasn’t sure if I would exercise the right to vote responsibly. Well, here’s the thing. Neither did I. Who knows what’s best for the country? Who do we trust? Pandit-ji and his friends came highly recommended by the Mahatma. They had studied at firangi universities, spoke English and rubbed shoulders with world leaders. Once again, I fell in line when the Mahatma asked me to support his protege. I had a job to find, a family to take care of and mouths to feed. I didn’t have time to think it through. So, without protest, I voted for Nehru, in the hope that he was our Messiah and that he would part the Red Sea and lead us to the Promised Land.

I shed tears when Chacha died. He was our Messiah. We hadn’t yet made it across the Red Sea. In fact, there was no sea. I found myself marooned on a desert with no friendly faces. Pandit-ji, in spite of his firangi degrees and polished accent, had blown it. The lone face that I recognized of Lal Bahadur was but a brief mirage. And that’s when the nightmares started.

They say that the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. If that’s the case, I must fault Jawaharlal, the tree and not the fruit, Indira. But my gut tells me that that Jawaharlal was not the tree. He was just the guy who watered a tree called the Indian National Congress. This tree did not produce fruits. Rather, it sucked the life out of the ground it grew on, and gave shelter to reptiles and insects and rodents, which in turn preyed on me.

I wish I could write away the twenty years between 1970 and 1990 as a bad dream. Even now, I wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and anxious that the past may return to revive its hold on me. But trust me when I say that I have a short memory and am trying my best to move on.

The damage that Indira wrought was not to my stomach. It was to my psyche. She said, “Garibi Hatao.” I enthusiastically cheered, more in hope and despair simultaneously and not out of belief. As I said, my instincts told me that these were reptiles, rodents and insects. Hope turned to anger and slowly resignation. And then despair, when one of my own turned his back on us and assassinated our Prime Minister. I lost one more familiar face and that hurt me even though I didn’t trust Indira entirely. Her son was another fleeting mirage. I’m told that he did some good for the country, but am not entirely sure what he did for me.

They tell me that we were in a lot of trouble in 1991. And this man named Narasimha Rao bailed us out of this trouble. I didn’t know he was capable of this feat. I voted for him because he was part of this tree that I told you about. Turns out that he wasn’t entirely a reptile. Another fleeting vision as far as I’m concerned.

Things have been getting better in the last twenty years, I’ll happily admit. I’ve got a cell phone. I can see roads being laid. A lot of my friends have left for cities. I see shiny buildings when I visit them. But twenty years is a long time to wait when you have too little to show for it. There was a time I had resigned myself to my fate. Now, I am not being allowed to even do that. I’ve seen things that I now can’t put out of my mind. My aspirations are spinning out of control. My country has changed a lot. And it doesn’t stand by itself any more. The destinies of all countries are now inter linked, they say. I wouldn’t know too much about that. I have no idea what current account deficit means, and why we need foreign investment so we can have supermarkets and megastores. All I know is that there still aren’t enough jobs for my people and things need to get a lot better before we can afford to fritter time on ideological and political debates. I’ve been waiting for a long while. I wish these fellows would get on with the program so my children can have a better future.

What galls me is that, not only are they frittering away precious time but they are using that time to loot my house. There are thieves inside my house, emptying it as I speak and there are folks outside my house yelling “thief.” It’s like I’ve become invisible to both of them. Neither is helping me.

Anna Hazare, God bless him, says he wants to help me. But, I don’t have the time to make it to Jantar Mantar each time he asks. With due respect, he’s not the Mahatma. Those were different days. And they were different men back then. I trust Anna-ji. But he also wants to tie me to a tree and whip me if I try to drown my sorrows in cheap liquor. So I wonder if I should trust a guy who wants to whip me. Like I said, no one helps me anymore.

This chap, Kejriwal, seems to have his heart in the right place. But I don’t believe I’ve ever met him. I guess it’s hard to meet up when one of you feels the need to be in a city and on TV all the time. To Kejriwal, I tell you this. It’s not enough to start an Aam Aadmi party. It’s not even enough to be an Aam Aadmi yourself. You need to come out here and meet me. Don’t tell me about those reptiles. I know about them already. I’ve seen more than fifty years of reptiles. Help me. We’ve been waiting for a Messiah. We’re so jaded that we’ll give you too a chance. And we fear that you too will blow it.

You know what I don’t need? I don’t need sermonizing and moralizing. Don’t tell me things I know. Don’t tell me that I’m illiterate. I know that already. Don’t tell me that I suck because I vote for my religion and caste. I have good reasons for doing so. If anything, my religion and caste guys are the ones who’ve shown up in times of my need over thousands of years. I can’t abandon such instincts easily. Don’t tell me that we need a dictatorship because only dictators can control fools like me. I’m not the fool that I’m made out to be. In fact, quite the contrary. I’m the product of evolutionary intelligence that’s been gathering steam over millions of years. If I’ve come this far in the evolutionary game, I’m pretty sure that I can handle a few reptiles. So don’t tell me anything. Just step aside and allow me to be. And help, if you can.

I’ve always dreamed of this Messiah in shining armor, who’ll swoop down from the skies and carry us all away into this land where there is freedom and dignity in life. And you know what? I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I’ve come around to believing that I, and only I, have my fate in my hands. For that, I need to be responsible. I need to change my habits. And I need to stop making excuses and think things through. I know all of this. But it’s going to be a while before I get there. I wonder if we have the time for me to get there. I don’t think there’s another choice. Let’s see how this one plays out.

Until then, although you may call me an Aam Aadmi, keep in mind that I’m anything but ordinary.

Best regards.

Mango (wo)man.

Mukesh Ambani announces plans to buy the government

MUMBAI – Mukesh Ambani, Chairman and CEO of Reliance Industries, confirmed rumors today that he plans to purchase the UPA government and rights to all governments that will be elected in the future in India.

“I know that the people of India are impatient with the government and don’t trust political parties,” said Mr. Ambani, “and for good reason. The root cause for this malaise is that the government has not been accountable to anyone. Which is why I’ve decided to buy the government out and make it answerable to me.”

Mr. Ambani has hired Goldman Sachs to complete due diligence on the acquisition, and expects their report to be completed by end of 2012.

“We’re pleased to be appointed lead advisors on this critical project. Our bankers provide mergers and acquisitions advice and services to our clients on some of their most complex strategic decisions and transactions. We’re especially very familiar with the process of acquiring governments, having most recently bought out the US government in the aftermath of the great financial crisis of 2007-08,” said Mr. Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs at a press conference in New York city earlier today.

“My vision for India is simple and straightforward. It’s to ensure that all people will have free and unfettered access to buying shares of Reliance Industries Ltd. Some day in the future when I retire, I’d like to hand over a couple of governments to my son so he can live comfortably,” added Mr. Ambani.

Responding to questions on possible changes in governance, Mr. Ambani explained, “For starters, the capital of the country will be immediately shifted to Antilla in Mumbai. I plan to privatize Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha and bring in corporate investment. All current members will be forced into voluntary retirement. In future, 49% of the seats will go to the highest bidders. I plan to retain 51% ownership of the Houses. People will no longer to need to vote. If they wish to have voting rights, they can become RIL share holders. Once I complete the acquisition of the Central Government and the Houses, I plan to complete acquisitions of all state governments as soon as possible, so we can have harmonious Centre-State relationships.”

In a rare display of emotion and candor, Mr. Ambani added wistfully, “You have to understand my real reasons for doing this. So far, I’ve been forced to carry all these chaps around, hidden in my pockets. In fact, my pockets are so full that I don’t have place to keep even my cell phone or the house keys. Is this any way to live? Enough is enough. Instead of being all secretive, it’s more convenient to be open and buy at discounted prices.”

Shares of RIL finished up 1,000 pct in after-market trading on news of the announcement.

Tweets from the week gone by

https://twitter.com/waatho/status/263210333722783744

https://twitter.com/waatho/status/262764032946237441

Scientists riot, protesting Deepak Chopra’s latest video

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In an alarming trend, anti-Deepak Chopra protests have broken out across the scientific world. According to reports, enraged scientists have taken to the streets in places as far away as Pasadena, California and are burning effigies of Chopra, who’s widely known for his attempts to fuse science and spirituality. The unexpected developments are rumored to have been triggered by Mr. Chopra’s increasingly frequent use of the word ‘qualia’ in his blogs and tweets, and reached a tipping point with the release of Mr. Chopra’s latest video in which he describes ‘what is qualia?’.

Cal Tech physicist, Leonard Mlodinow, defended the protests saying, “We in the scientific community haven’t seriously objected to Deepak talking about soul, reincarnation and karma over the years. But, I gotta tell you that this takedown has been a long time coming. Deepak has been relentlessly encroaching onto our territory with each passing book. He likes to take science-y terms and make exotic sounding word salads out of them. Qualia? Qualia? Seriously, come on, man. He’s now coining all new words now. This is the last straw.”

In a surprising twist, protests have spread to several university campuses around the world with the male population of students joining in. Said an agitated student, “Dude, for years, we’ve used lines from Chopra’s books to pick up chicks. Why is he trying to switch the lingo on us? Does he understand what he’s doing to us? I tried qualia on a girl the other day, and she’s now got a restraining order against me.”

In a hastily arranged press conference, Mr. Chopra responded ruefully, “I’ve been telling people to find their inner selves, and it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m sorry. I give up.”

When asked if he planned to stop writing books, he quickly responded, “No way. There’s too much money involved in that. People will read whatever I write. I don’t see a reason to stop that. But I’m now convinced that humans are bent on destroying themselves and this planet no matter what anyone tells them to do. I’ve already embraced this reality myself by joining the Tea Party movement. In fact, my next book will be called “You guys are all insane. I’ll see you in Hell.”

In other news

Rumor has it that Karan Johar and Ekta Kapoor are collaborating on a film called “Fifty shades of K.”

In a series of bold moves this week, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh announced a hefty price hike on diesel, limits on subsidized LPG and FDI in aviation and retail. Industry observers have lauded the reforms while the announcements have also sparked rumors that the PM may have started drinking heavily.

Cartoonist Aseem Trivedi, earlier arrested for sedition, had charges dropped against him. When asked, “How was it to be in prison?”, he responded, “It was pretty rough, man. Cartoon is one of the worst answers you can give to the guys inside when they ask “So what are you in for?””

HRD Ministry scraps the second law of thermodynamics

As part of an ongoing modernization and reform campaign, HRD Minister Mr. Kapil Sibal announced plans to scrap the second law of thermodynamics. The second law states the principle of entropy, in which a system continually degrades over time due to increasing levels of disorder.

“We Indians are sick and tired of our system breaking down all the time,’ said Mr. Sibal. “The second law of thermodynamics is responsible for this. It stands in the way of progress. And, it must go,” he thundered.

The announcement followed recommendations of a Group of Ministers convened to identify pesky laws of science and nature that they wanted to see abolished. “There was clear consensus that the principle of entropy is a real nuisance. It’s been there since the beginning of time. It’s outdated. Enough is enough. We’ve never played by the rules of nature. Now we’re officially scrapping it,” said Mr Sibal, before going on to promise the ‘biggest shake-up to the laws of physics since Isaac Newton’. “It’s possible that we might re-introduce the second law along the lines of ‘things will only get better‘,” he clarified.

The HRD minister’s announcement was welcomed enthusiastically by the Prime Minister, Mr. Manmohan Singh who said, “Our style is to fly in the face of common sense and laws. It’s time that we embraced this approach openly. I’ve asked the team to abolish fundamental laws and concepts from economics as well. Many in the cabinet have expressed annoyance with the law of supply and demand, and concepts such as fair market pricing and auctions. Speaking of time, we plan to ban the concept of time itself by 2014, so we can scrap the elections that year.”

In other news

Greece shocked to learn that it is now owned by Suresh Kalmadi. Yesterday, Greek citizens woke up to the fact that their country is now owned by a little known politician from India named Suresh Kalmadi. No one knows yet as to how this heist was pulled off. The entire narrative is expected to unfold over the next three years.

Studies performed by researchers have revealed a deep sense of dissatisfaction among teachers at the quality of homework being done by parents on behalf of their children. “It’s shocking how low the standards have fallen. We often find these poor children hastily re-doing botched attempts by parents, before submitting them.”

Chetan Bhagat admits he has run out of things to write about

Gloom and panic seize fans. Publishers fear this could be the last nail in India’s literary coffin.

Renowned author, Chetan Bhagat, today admitted that he did not know what to write about anymore. “I’ve exhausted all the mundanely commercial possibilities that one can write about. I’ve written about college, working in call centers and getting married. Recently, I even tried writing a non-fictional book.” Bhagat’s latest book “What Young India wants” has met with withering criticism, with the phrase “horse dung” occurring repeatedly in reviews. When asked, Bhagat responded, “Horse manure is, in a sense, hovering all around us, waiting to invade our consciousness. It takes a certain type of mind to get hold of it and inject it into the public consciousness under the right sociological conditions. If you look at it thus, my book is a highly creative effort. But, truth be told, there’s only so much of horse excreta going around. Dude, I’m now at the deep end of the pool and have nowhere left to go.”

This announcement was met with widespread dismay and panic by Bhagat’s millions of fans on Facebook. “What am I now supposed to buy when I’m looking for a ridiculously watered down read for less than a hundred rupees?,” posted a fan, which immediately received over a hundred thousand likes on the social network. A top publisher, under the condition of anonymity, revealed that she was in discussions with Bhagat on his next book. “More than Chetan, we publishers know what young India wants. They need more horse dung. So, we’ve asked Chetan to compile all the fan posts on his Facebook page into a book, which can then be sold back to the fans. We will be trying very hard to push our luck as far as humanly possible,” she added.

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Manmohan Singh urges Indians to follow the Bhagavad Gita and give up all expectations

Following a daylong meeting spent huddling with his Cabinet colleagues and coalition partners, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh announced today that “the best bet for Indian people was to follow the dictum laid out in the Bhagavad Gita”. “Listen, just do your duty. And, give up all your expectations,”, said Singh, “This is the great truth that has been handed down to us over the ages,” adding that there was no point in trying to introduce new bills when “no one really cares about making anything work.” When pressed for more details, Singh added, “If you love something, set it free. Don’t spend all your energy in trying to force something to work. Your government should be free to do its own thing. If it never comes back to thinking about you, perhaps we are not meant to be with each together.” The Prime Minister confirmed that he’s “pretty sure” that his government will not get anything done for another two years and maybe even longer. However, he urged Indians to “keep their minds open to the possibility of a miracle.”

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

A Candid Discussion with Sushil Kumar Shinde

Our new home minister, Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde, dropped by last week and gave what can only be described as his most candid interview till date.

Q: Mr. Shinde, congrats on your promotion. What do you think is your biggest challenge as Home Minister?

Sushil Kumar Shinde: The biggest challenge is to defend our borders. I recently stumbled upon a world map. Every country seems to have a border. I don’t know if you guys realize this. It’s very, very hard to defend yourself when you have borders.

Q: That’s so insightful! Why is it hard to defend our borders?

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Defending borders is not easy because you tend to have foreign countries on the other side of the border. And they’re always trying to move the border when you’re not looking. For example, I noticed that there are foreign countries in the North East on the other side of our border.

Q: You’ve said that you were an excellent Power Minister. Would you like to add to that?

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Yes. Here’s the deal. Superman is gone. No one knows where he is any more. Even Batman has been retired by Chris Nolan. I may be the only fictional super hero left. Being a super hero is no filmy matter, mind you!

Q: Mr. Shinde, how do you plan to combat terrorism?

Sushil Kumar Shinde: The biggest problem with terrorists today is that we don’t know where they are. So, I plan to issue ID cards to all terrorists when they enter India. This will make it easier to track them. We’ll also have a pool of “immediately available suspects,” who can be arrested within 48 hours of any incident, in case we’re not able to track down the terrorists.

Q: Sir, comedians and satirists were worried when Abhishek Manu Singhvi retired from the public scene. But, God works in mysterious ways. He has given you to us. We sincerely hope that people will appreciate your genius some day. Many thanks for speaking with us.

In a separate statement, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh revealed that he considers the appointment of Mr. Shinde as the Home Minister as “a harmless prank that has gone too far.”

The What Ho! report: Satire, baseless rumors and no real news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.