Category Archives: What Ho! Reports

Headlines, baseless rumours and no substantial news whatsoever

Reports say Narendra Modi fans depressed, directionless.

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Just three weeks into Modi sarkar, fans of Prime Minister Narendra Modi have reportedly sunk into a massive depression of epidemic proportions. According to reports that are still coming in, NaMo fans have been left high and dry with absolutely nothing to talk about after BJP’s resounding victory in the recent elections. Dr. Viru Sahasrabuddhi, a practicing psychotherapist at NIMHANS in Bangalore explained. “This is perfectly understandable. Euphoria is often accompanied by depression. For months and years, thousands and even millions of Modi’s fans have been raising hell and devoted every waking moment to spreading his message and helping his campaign. After his victory, they are waking up to the gloomy and harsh reality that they now have nothing left in their otherwise empty lives.”

Meet Chandan Kishwar, 28, who spent the last two years digging up unflattering photographs of Rahul Gandhi and incessantly tweeting laudatory articles about Modi under the handle @ProudAndRabidNationalistHindu, often skipping lunch and dinner. This morning, he was discovered comatose and unresponsive to light or sound by a neighbor. “This is really sad. Until a few weeks back, I was ready to poison him for his obnoxious obsession with Modi. Now I’d give my right arm to get my rabidly nationalistic, Congi hating, Hindutva zealot friend back,” said a friend of Kishwar, YVSSR Raju, 27, who’s been fighting his own silent battle against depression after successfully lobbying on Twitter for Telangana.

The epidemic is ringing alarm bells around the nation. An estimated 67 percent of India’s workforce has been laid low in the aftermath of Modi fever, a situation which threatens an economy already ravaged by inflation. “There seems to be a strange belief among Modi fans that their work is complete now that he has been elected. In fact, they are convinced that they don’t have to work for anything anymore. In extreme cases, some are even refusing to accept the reality that the campaign is over. It’s like they are living in a fantasy of their own and continuing to post over-the-top messages on Facebook hailing their Messiah and adamantly refusing to process any negative information about Modi. The situation is so dire that these people are now transfixed, waiting for India to instantly and magically transform into an economic superpower at the snap of Modi’s fingers. This is cause for concern,” added Dr. Sahasrabuddhi in a very helpful tone.

In other news, Smriti Irani, responding to criticism that she lacks the experience to manage the HRD ministry, has enrolled herself in an online internship program run by the University of Phoenix. While the HRD ministry refused to comment, a spokesman for the University of Phoenix had this to say, “We’re pleased to confirm that Ms. Irani has enrolled in our world class internship program. The 3 week online, self-guided program has been thoughtfully crafted for those who might not normally be considered qualified for the jobs they’ve been hired for. During the course of three weeks, Ms. Irani will learn to configure Google alerts for news headlines related to education and to write catchy tweets and hashtags, areas she has specifically expressed interest in. I’d like to add that our program is over a hundred years old. In fact, the one of the first graduates of this historic program was the guy who captained the Titanic.”

The What Ho! Report is a collection of satire and fake news. We read the Times of India so you are not forced to. 4 out of 5 dentists recommend the What Ho! report.

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Man alleges elderly relative reneged on promise to “cut a long story short”

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CHENNAI. JULY 17, 2013.  Describing it as a “nightmarish experience,” Avinash Iyer, 24, claimed that an elderly relative who engaged him in conversation at a cousin’s wedding went back on a promise to “cut a long story short,” and alleged that he was coerced into listening to the full version which lasted well over an hour.

“It was kind of a rough ordeal and I’m still hazy about the details of how the whole thing got started. I was seated next to my uncle at my cousin’s wedding. The exchange started off innocently enough but before long, I realized that I had been slowly drawn into a hellish web of deceit and fraud. When he first began recounting his frustration with the newspaper arriving late in the mornings, I nodded politely, naively believing it to be the easiest way out of a tricky situation. In retrospect, that may have been the fatal move which sealed my fate. As he began to relentlessly delve into completely unnecessary details of his altercations with the newspaper delivery boy (who, I was told, also delivered milk and equally erratically), I developed a vague foreboding of doom and began fidgeting nervously in my seat. Sensing my impatience, (I swear) he made a clear and unequivocal promise to cut a long story short, an undertaking that was not honored at any point in the conversation. In any case, how an innocent conversation around newspaper delivery turned into a mind numbing discourse on the deteriorating state of journalism in the country boggles my mind, which continues to recover from the unanticipated ruthless assault on it. I was told later that I was observed to be in a state of uncomprehending daze for well over an hour by various passers-by and onlookers, before being rescued by my elder brother at lunch time,” said an emotional Avinash who seemed clearly shaken by the incident.

What Ho! has subsequently received confirmation from reliable insiders that the offender, identified as Sri. Sitaraman Iyer, 58, has been sequestered and isolated from contact with younger family members to avoid further untoward incidents during the wedding.

Friends of man who attended Vipassana detect no change in him at all

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Despite Mr. Srijith Nair’s claims that his life had been ‘totally transformed’ by attending a two week meditation retreat conducted by the Vipaassana Buddhist foundation, his friends claimed that he’s still the “same shallow and self centred chap we’ve always known.”

“Yeah, we were all pretty surprised at first when we heard from our buddy Sri about the Foundation. Don’t get me wrong. We’ve always heard him talk about how his life was filled with emptiness and how he craved the simple pleasures in life. We always dismissed it as musings of a middle aged man who had one drink too many. Never in our wildest dreams did we believe that he had it in him to follow through on his thoughts. Naturally, we were all pretty excited for him when he told us about the retreat. Our expectations rocketed when we found that the Vipaassana camp is widely regarded for its unbending rigor and discipline. Ever since Sri’s return from the retreat, we’ve been observing him closely and I can categorically confirm that we have not been able to detect any change whatsoever in him at all. He continues to be the same shallow, immature and self serving Sri we’ve always known,” said Mr. Anand Hariharan, who studied with Mr. Nair in college and has remained a close friend ever since.

In the meanwhile, Mr Nair, according to friends and colleagues, continues to unapologetically project himself as “a changed man,” vehemently asserting his newly acquired spiritual credentials at every little opportunity. “Sri’s been acting rather funny. He’s now walking around with a detached air of superiority and sprinkling a liberal amount of Zen aphorisms into daily conversations. It’s like he’s suddenly become better than us,” complained a colleague who preferred to stay unnamed for this article.

A spokeswoman for the Foundation had this to say, “It’s not our policy to comment on changes which specific patrons may or not have experienced from attending our retreats. However, it is fair to say that such lack of fundamental transformation is normal and no cause for alarm. Everyone knows that human beings are basically survival machines with the selfish gene coded in. Notwithstanding Buddha’s unbridled optimism about human ability to adhere to the Noble Path, you must understand that people are basically incorrigible by nature. This too shall pass.”

From the What Ho! report

Studies find India better off if 82% of citizens didn’t have opinions

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In what is being called a challenge to conventional free speech principles, a study performed by scientists from the Indian Institute of Science has concluded that the nation will be “significantly better off” if 82 percent of its citizens stopped having opinions with immediate effect.

“We tested a large number of people across a wide range of topics and issues. In general, we observed that a majority of people possessed high levels of information recall when it came to things such as timings of reality shows, lyrics to item numbers and names of cricketers. When we tested for knowledge in areas such as economics, science, environment and even history and geography as well as for the ability to reach logically coherent conclusions, we found abysmally low levels of proficiency. Truth be told, we found that most of the opinions expressed by most people to be ill conceived and dangerous to the nation. Based on the study, it’s our firm belief that if 82 percent of the people in the country were to be somehow immediately stopped from having any opinions whatsoever, our GDP growth could be easily boosted by an additional 4 to 5 points,” said Professor Viru Sahasrabuddhi who spoke on behalf of the group in Bangalore yesterday.

Prof. Sahasrabuddhi and his team shot to fame in 2008 for discovering path breaking insights into the human condition such as ‘if asked, most Indians will provide directions to any address in any city, regardless of whether they know the directions or not’ and for conclusively proving the extensive use of the word ‘Yes’ among Indians to mean ‘No’.

Professor Sahasrabuddhi added, “Freedom of opinion and expression is no doubt a cornerstone of democracy. But, I must hasten to add that we analyzed several sources of opinions such as television debates, newspaper editorials, Facebook status updates and Twitter timelines. It is quite evident that there is an abundance of illogical thinking, knee jerk reactions and ignorance wherever we look. While it takes all kinds of people to make up the society, it’s obvious that the opinions of some kinds of people are entirely unnecessary.”

The Universe denies screwing a man’s life up

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In what’s shaping up as the debate of the year, the Universe issued a strong statement, earlier this week, denying that it was either ‘messing around’ or ‘screwing up a man’s entire life up’ and in attempt at damage control sought to downplay the fracas as “shit happens.”

The saga of alleged sabotage, according to insiders, started with the birth of Mr. Sandeep Reddy, 34, in Hyderabad, the capital city of Andhra Pradesh. According to Mr. Reddy and his mother, the Universe had “consistently and unfailingly check mated him at every turn” in the thirty four years of Mr. Reddy’s planetary existence.

Sources close to Mr. Reddy believe that the Universe could have easily bestowed upon him a full head of hair, but instead chose to withdraw the privilege by the age of thirty. “We could go on and on about the damage that’s been done to Sandeep. There was, for example, this instance when he was miraculously close to booking a tatkal ticket on IRCTC. He had entered his CVV number and was just about to click ‘Confirm Purchase’ when the internet connection chose to mysteriously die. Come on, are you telling me that the Universe isn’t somehow involved in this somewhere?”

A spokesman for the Universe appeared to deflect Sandeep Reddy’s troubles back to Mr. Reddy himself,  suggesting that it had no role to play in human life events. “Mr. Reddy’s anger and frustration are understandable. When we examined his life records, it does seem like things haven’t quite panned out the way he’d have preferred them to. But it’s one thing to have a screwed up life and yet another thing to assign blame to a blameless party. We fear that Mr. Reddy’s observations are frankly without merit and based on a rather fantastic notion that we’re out here somehow plotting human downfall.”

In the meanwhile, a small group of men who claim to be friends of Mr. Reddy have launched a Facebook page in his support. “We’ve known Sandeep from his early days in kindergarten. Although he can be somewhat of a drama queen, his repeated failures in love and life, upon closer examination, appear suspiciously contrived and by design. What we once believed to be results of his inveterate alcoholism and inability to be thrifty or work hard now appear more to be consequences of a higher power’s autocratic manner of dispensing luck. We will not rest until a thousand people have liked our page,” said Mr. YVRK Manohar Prasad, who spoke on behalf of the “Sandeep versus The Universe” Facebook movement.

The escalating row appears to have put the Universe on the back foot. At a hastily convened press conference, its spokesman went into damage control mode and sought to down play the fracas as an inconsequential cosmic event. “Look, we deal daily with monumental events like giant black holes, stars blowing themselves up and the disconcerting lack of visibility of dark matter. The last thing we need is to be drawn into a dispute with an insignificant lump of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen on an insignificant planet. We stoutly deny culpability in the mishaps which seem to have pervaded Mr. Reddy’s life. Shit happens. We request Mr. Reddy to desist from further pointless finger pointing and blame games. No more looking up at the skies and “why me?” questions, please. As a conciliatory gesture, we offer the services of our Department of Time to assist in the healing process with no guarantees that any such healing may indeed occur.”

Secular man all set to unveil the ‘Grand Unified Modi Theory’

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In what should bring cheer to secular proponents in India, a Mumbai based mathematician Mr. Laloo Prasad Kumar is on the verge of unveiling what he calls the “the grand unified Modi theory.” What Ho! caught up with Mr. Kumar to get the inside scoop on his cutting edge research which he threatens “will blow the lid off” Narendra Modi’s prime ministerial prospects in 2014. Here are some excerpts from the interview below.

What Ho!: Mr. Kumar, without any further ado, please tell us all about your theory. We’re all agog.

LP Kumar: As you must be aware, Modi is a bad man. A very bad man. Although we have been investigating his role in the 2002 riots for the last ten years, the courts have been able to find no evidence for his culpability beyond reasonable doubt. Isn’t it the job of courts to find Narendra Modi guilty? This got me thinking that we have been singularly focused on Gujarat and 2002. Why not link Modi to (say) the tsunami in 2004? Or the financial markets collapse in 2008? Or even the production of Ra One? These are horrific calamities that have befallen us and we haven’t explored Modi’s roles in any of them. He seems to be getting away scot free. That’s when I decided to come up a grand, unified mother-of-all-theories hypothesis that links Modi to every possible tragedy that we as a nation have encountered since the time he was born. I call this ‘the grand unified Modi theory.”

WH: Umm. What’s your theory built around? Are you using any special algorithms or big data technologies? Maybe chaos theory? Or quantum mechanical principles? What’s your secret sauce?

LPK: It’s pretty simple. The entire theory is built on pure conjecture. It’s quite amazing what you can come up with after a few rounds of Scotch. And of course, I believe everything I read on the Internet.

WH: As purely a matter of record, are you high right now? Have you ever been to Gujarat?

LPK: Well, I do smoke a joint or two every so often. And no, I’ve never been to Gujarat. Is that a problem?

WH: No problem, dude. It would be nice if you can share some of the good stuff with us before you leave. So, how would you describe yourself? What are your interests?

LPK: I am what they call an impeccably secular man. I’ve always believed in the form of secularism that involves self-flagellation of the majority to the point where state and religion are ground into a fine indistinguishable mixture. My idea of a perfect evening is to have a couple of shots, followed by a joint and watch Sagarika Ghose on TV, all the while trolling Internet Hindus on Twitter. Isn’t the world beautiful, man?

WH: Of course. The world is beautiful, man. Byt why Modi? Why not Advani or Sushma Swaraj or other BJP leaders?

LPK: Modi is the big cahuna. The ultimate prize. The holy grail of secularism is to take this man down. Isn’t it obvious?

WH: Yep. It’s now more painfully obvious than ever before. Do you realize that the more you guys do stuff like this, the more there is this backlash against you which might translate into support for Modi?

LPK: That’s true. But we’re all-in on Modi. It’s time to move all the chips to the centre of the table and roll the dice. My grand unified theory will blow the lid of this very bad man’s prime ministerial prospects. I recently shared the theory with Nitish Kumar, chief minister of Bihar. And look what happened.

WH: Shame on me. Here I was thinking that Nitish Kumar pulled out because he was upset with Chetan Bhagat giving him advice. Anyway you mentioned that you enjoy watching Sagarika Ghose’s TV show. As a related question, have you ever been swindled by the Nigerian email scamsters?

LPK: That’s so cool and amazing, man. How did you know? Twice as a matter of fact. I had not even reported either of those to the police.

WH: He He.. call it a lucky guess. Anyway, thank you for speaking to us, and good luck with that Unified Theory thing. Dude, I have to say this again. You really need to share whatever you are smoking with the rest of us. Given the shit shape the country is in right now, I think we could use that more than your theory.

BJP promotes LK Advani to Senior Vice President of Blogging

In a widely anticipated move, the BJP has promoted Lal Kishen Advani to head a worldwide initiative that will focus on making tenuous connections between political events in the country and mythology. Sources from within the BJP say that Advani’s recent work connecting Pitamaha Bhishma to his own self has caught the attention of the powerful National Executive of the party which recently convened in Goa. An internal communication to party members from president Rajnath Singh leaked to What Ho! is reproduced below.

“Dear party faithful,

It gives me great pleasure to announce the immediate appointment of Shri. Advani as Senior Vice President, Project Unicorn. Project Unicorn has always been a pet project of Advaniji, on which he’s been working over the recent years in stealth mode. We anticipate that this will tap into his inexhaustible passion for combining politics, blogging and mythology and bring much needed laser focus on an important initiative which will connect these amazingly intricate domains in ways the world has never imagined before.

It’s no secret that Advaniji is a go-getter and one of the brightest young talents in the organization. In fact, we’ve been keeping a close eye on this young man for a good part of four decades. Although he has always been part of corporate HQ, we’ve felt that his enthusiastic field work such as in the Rath yatra has been under appreciated by the outside world. His recent blog piece on painting himself as Pitamaha Bhishma, without doubt, tipped us over the edge on this decision.

On a note of caution, I’d like to bring to your attention that Advaniji will be resigning frequently from this post in the months to come. We’ve been told by him that such tactics are necessary in driving traffic to his blog. Please rest assured that he will usually rescind resignations at any point in the 72 hour period following their announcements* (* may vary if weekends are involved). I sincerely request you to not indulge in name calling on social media or in writing petty satire articles which may besmirch Advaniji’s fair name or the party reputation when hearing of his resignations.

I’m sure you’ll agree that the fact that he is one of the founders of our organization makes this announcement even sweeter and join me in wishing him all the best in his new role. Forgive me if I sound emotional when I say that Advaniji is a cowboy made in the original Louis L’Amour mold. They don’t make ‘em like him anymore. Nothing would give us greater happiness than to see him holster his guns and ride off into the sunset on his unicorn, by which of course I mean horse.

Regards,

Rajnath.

Mr. Advani sounded upbeat at a press conference where he read out a lengthy statement outlining the details around his new role.

“I’m besides myself with joy when I see the dazzling array of possibilities in front of me. Let me tell you that I plan to bring a pan-world dimension and new perspectives to this initiative. I know that everyone thinks that the Mahabharat is a fantastic mythological platform from which to spin theories. Sadly it is also an oft abused one. I feel that Ramayan on the other hand offers immense untapped potential. Take the story of Vali who’s shot down just because he came back and took what was rightfully his. Does that remind you of anyone? Hey look at me. Hello?

Greek, Egyptian, Nordic, Chinese, Japanese, Native American . The list of mythologies is endless. For example, I can easily see Jaitley as the half-God Loki in Asgard who goes around brokering deals. As an immediate next step, I’m working on a blog post in which I will draw skillful comparisons between me and Cronos the Greek Titan, who is betrayed and struck down by his own son Zeus in his mad lust for power. I will post it in a week from now and will resign shortly after it goes live. The country is heading into a challenging phase of its history as we move towards elections. What better way to educate people than to make oblique references to Narendra Modi’s hunger for power through a Japanese mythological inference?”

In other news, the BJP national executive voted resoundingly in favour of giving Nitish Kumar, leader of JD(U) and Bihar chief minister a “good and solid wedgie” whenever they meet him next.

Man files RTI petition asking if Karnataka has a government.

In a move that’s being widely hailed as a victory for democracy and free speech, a Bangalore man has filed an RTI petition demanding to know if such a thing as the state government of Karnataka exists or not. Mr. Satish Kumar, 48, who works at a public sector bank, said, “I could have sworn that we had an election around here recently. I also have fuzzy memories of walking towards the election booth and casting my vote. And soon after, I read in the newspapers about some party winning the elections and someone being sworn in as the Chief Minister. The funny thing is that I am now not able to say with certainty if any of these things actually happened or if I’ve dreamt them up. I’m a little worried that I’m not able to tell if there is a government or not.”

After a brief emotional pause, Mr. Kumar added, “I know it sounds crazy. This happens to me every five years or so. Although I have distinct memories of voting, I don’t have any recollections of seeing a government actually function in this state. I hope that I am not hallucinating or something. So I have filed an RTI petition to find out.”

When asked to which government he was planning to submit this petition, Mr. Kumar became flustered and incoherent. “I mean, there’s got to be someone who knows this, right? Are you telling me that there is no government anywhere in India which actually exists to which I can turn for answers?” he stammered as he placed a helmet over his head, kick started the scooter and hurriedly left the scene.

In other news, Jagmohan Dalmiya has promised a thorough probe into the spot fixing scandal that has recently rocked IPL. Mr. Dalmiya read out a brief statement to the press in which he said, “I’m confident that we will get to the bottom of this and unearth all the wrong doings that have been perpetrated by Sharad Pawar.”

With contributions from @wabbster on Twitter.

The What Ho! Report brings you headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Mukesh Ambani announces plans to buy the government

MUMBAI – Mukesh Ambani, Chairman and CEO of Reliance Industries, confirmed rumors today that he plans to purchase the UPA government and rights to all governments that will be elected in the future in India.

“I know that the people of India are impatient with the government and don’t trust political parties,” said Mr. Ambani, “and for good reason. The root cause for this malaise is that the government has not been accountable to anyone. Which is why I’ve decided to buy the government out and make it answerable to me.”

Mr. Ambani has hired Goldman Sachs to complete due diligence on the acquisition, and expects their report to be completed by end of 2012.

“We’re pleased to be appointed lead advisors on this critical project. Our bankers provide mergers and acquisitions advice and services to our clients on some of their most complex strategic decisions and transactions. We’re especially very familiar with the process of acquiring governments, having most recently bought out the US government in the aftermath of the great financial crisis of 2007-08,” said Mr. Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs at a press conference in New York city earlier today.

“My vision for India is simple and straightforward. It’s to ensure that all people will have free and unfettered access to buying shares of Reliance Industries Ltd. Some day in the future when I retire, I’d like to hand over a couple of governments to my son so he can live comfortably,” added Mr. Ambani.

Responding to questions on possible changes in governance, Mr. Ambani explained, “For starters, the capital of the country will be immediately shifted to Antilla in Mumbai. I plan to privatize Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha and bring in corporate investment. All current members will be forced into voluntary retirement. In future, 49% of the seats will go to the highest bidders. I plan to retain 51% ownership of the Houses. People will no longer to need to vote. If they wish to have voting rights, they can become RIL share holders. Once I complete the acquisition of the Central Government and the Houses, I plan to complete acquisitions of all state governments as soon as possible, so we can have harmonious Centre-State relationships.”

In a rare display of emotion and candor, Mr. Ambani added wistfully, “You have to understand my real reasons for doing this. So far, I’ve been forced to carry all these chaps around, hidden in my pockets. In fact, my pockets are so full that I don’t have place to keep even my cell phone or the house keys. Is this any way to live? Enough is enough. Instead of being all secretive, it’s more convenient to be open and buy at discounted prices.”

Shares of RIL finished up 1,000 pct in after-market trading on news of the announcement.

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Scientists riot, protesting Deepak Chopra’s latest video

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In an alarming trend, anti-Deepak Chopra protests have broken out across the scientific world. According to reports, enraged scientists have taken to the streets in places as far away as Pasadena, California and are burning effigies of Chopra, who’s widely known for his attempts to fuse science and spirituality. The unexpected developments are rumored to have been triggered by Mr. Chopra’s increasingly frequent use of the word ‘qualia’ in his blogs and tweets, and reached a tipping point with the release of Mr. Chopra’s latest video in which he describes ‘what is qualia?’.

Cal Tech physicist, Leonard Mlodinow, defended the protests saying, “We in the scientific community haven’t seriously objected to Deepak talking about soul, reincarnation and karma over the years. But, I gotta tell you that this takedown has been a long time coming. Deepak has been relentlessly encroaching onto our territory with each passing book. He likes to take science-y terms and make exotic sounding word salads out of them. Qualia? Qualia? Seriously, come on, man. He’s now coining all new words now. This is the last straw.”

In a surprising twist, protests have spread to several university campuses around the world with the male population of students joining in. Said an agitated student, “Dude, for years, we’ve used lines from Chopra’s books to pick up chicks. Why is he trying to switch the lingo on us? Does he understand what he’s doing to us? I tried qualia on a girl the other day, and she’s now got a restraining order against me.”

In a hastily arranged press conference, Mr. Chopra responded ruefully, “I’ve been telling people to find their inner selves, and it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m sorry. I give up.”

When asked if he planned to stop writing books, he quickly responded, “No way. There’s too much money involved in that. People will read whatever I write. I don’t see a reason to stop that. But I’m now convinced that humans are bent on destroying themselves and this planet no matter what anyone tells them to do. I’ve already embraced this reality myself by joining the Tea Party movement. In fact, my next book will be called “You guys are all insane. I’ll see you in Hell.”

In other news

Rumor has it that Karan Johar and Ekta Kapoor are collaborating on a film called “Fifty shades of K.”

In a series of bold moves this week, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh announced a hefty price hike on diesel, limits on subsidized LPG and FDI in aviation and retail. Industry observers have lauded the reforms while the announcements have also sparked rumors that the PM may have started drinking heavily.

Cartoonist Aseem Trivedi, earlier arrested for sedition, had charges dropped against him. When asked, “How was it to be in prison?”, he responded, “It was pretty rough, man. Cartoon is one of the worst answers you can give to the guys inside when they ask “So what are you in for?””