Category Archives: What Ho! Reports

Headlines, baseless rumours and no substantial news whatsoever

Man files RTI petition asking if Karnataka has a government.

In a move that’s being widely hailed as a victory for democracy and free speech, a Bangalore man has filed an RTI petition demanding to know if such a thing as the state government of Karnataka exists or not. Mr. Satish Kumar, 48, who works at a public sector bank, said, “I could have sworn that we had an election around here recently. I also have fuzzy memories of walking towards the election booth and casting my vote. And soon after, I read in the newspapers about some party winning the elections and someone being sworn in as the Chief Minister. The funny thing is that I am now not able to say with certainty if any of these things actually happened or if I’ve dreamt them up. I’m a little worried that I’m not able to tell if there is a government or not.”

After a brief emotional pause, Mr. Kumar added, “I know it sounds crazy. This happens to me every five years or so. Although I have distinct memories of voting, I don’t have any recollections of seeing a government actually function in this state. I hope that I am not hallucinating or something. So I have filed an RTI petition to find out.”

When asked to which government he was planning to submit this petition, Mr. Kumar became flustered and incoherent. “I mean, there’s got to be someone who knows this, right? Are you telling me that there is no government anywhere in India which actually exists to which I can turn for answers?” he stammered as he placed a helmet over his head, kick started the scooter and hurriedly left the scene.

In other news, Jagmohan Dalmiya has promised a thorough probe into the spot fixing scandal that has recently rocked IPL. Mr. Dalmiya read out a brief statement to the press in which he said, “I’m confident that we will get to the bottom of this and unearth all the wrong doings that have been perpetrated by Sharad Pawar.”

With contributions from @wabbster on Twitter.

The What Ho! Report brings you headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

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Mukesh Ambani announces plans to buy the government

MUMBAI – Mukesh Ambani, Chairman and CEO of Reliance Industries, confirmed rumors today that he plans to purchase the UPA government and rights to all governments that will be elected in the future in India.

“I know that the people of India are impatient with the government and don’t trust political parties,” said Mr. Ambani, “and for good reason. The root cause for this malaise is that the government has not been accountable to anyone. Which is why I’ve decided to buy the government out and make it answerable to me.”

Mr. Ambani has hired Goldman Sachs to complete due diligence on the acquisition, and expects their report to be completed by end of 2012.

“We’re pleased to be appointed lead advisors on this critical project. Our bankers provide mergers and acquisitions advice and services to our clients on some of their most complex strategic decisions and transactions. We’re especially very familiar with the process of acquiring governments, having most recently bought out the US government in the aftermath of the great financial crisis of 2007-08,” said Mr. Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs at a press conference in New York city earlier today.

“My vision for India is simple and straightforward. It’s to ensure that all people will have free and unfettered access to buying shares of Reliance Industries Ltd. Some day in the future when I retire, I’d like to hand over a couple of governments to my son so he can live comfortably,” added Mr. Ambani.

Responding to questions on possible changes in governance, Mr. Ambani explained, “For starters, the capital of the country will be immediately shifted to Antilla in Mumbai. I plan to privatize Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha and bring in corporate investment. All current members will be forced into voluntary retirement. In future, 49% of the seats will go to the highest bidders. I plan to retain 51% ownership of the Houses. People will no longer to need to vote. If they wish to have voting rights, they can become RIL share holders. Once I complete the acquisition of the Central Government and the Houses, I plan to complete acquisitions of all state governments as soon as possible, so we can have harmonious Centre-State relationships.”

In a rare display of emotion and candor, Mr. Ambani added wistfully, “You have to understand my real reasons for doing this. So far, I’ve been forced to carry all these chaps around, hidden in my pockets. In fact, my pockets are so full that I don’t have place to keep even my cell phone or the house keys. Is this any way to live? Enough is enough. Instead of being all secretive, it’s more convenient to be open and buy at discounted prices.”

Shares of RIL finished up 1,000 pct in after-market trading on news of the announcement.

Tweets from the week gone by

Scientists riot, protesting Deepak Chopra’s latest video

In an alarming trend, anti-Deepak Chopra protests have broken out across the scientific world. According to reports, enraged scientists have taken to the streets in places as far away as Pasadena, California and are burning effigies of Chopra, who’s widely known for his attempts to fuse science and spirituality. The unexpected developments are rumored to have been triggered by Mr. Chopra’s increasingly frequent use of the word ‘qualia’ in his blogs and tweets, and reached a tipping point with the release of Mr. Chopra’s latest video in which he describes ‘what is qualia?’.

Cal Tech physicist, Leonard Mlodinow, defended the protests saying, “We in the scientific community haven’t seriously objected to Deepak talking about soul, reincarnation and karma over the years. But, I gotta tell you that this takedown has been a long time coming. Deepak has been relentlessly encroaching onto our territory with each passing book. He likes to take science-y terms and make exotic sounding word salads out of them. Qualia? Qualia? Seriously, come on, man. He’s now coining all new words now. This is the last straw.”

In a surprising twist, protests have spread to several university campuses around the world with the male population of students joining in. Said an agitated student, “Dude, for years, we’ve used lines from Chopra’s books to pick up chicks. Why is he trying to switch the lingo on us? Does he understand what he’s doing to us? I tried qualia on a girl the other day, and she’s now got a restraining order against me.”

In a hastily arranged press conference, Mr. Chopra responded ruefully, “I’ve been telling people to find their inner selves, and it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m sorry. I give up.”

When asked if he planned to stop writing books, he quickly responded, “No way. There’s too much money involved in that. People will read whatever I write. I don’t see a reason to stop that. But I’m now convinced that humans are bent on destroying themselves and this planet no matter what anyone tells them to do. I’ve already embraced this reality myself by joining the Tea Party movement. In fact, my next book will be called “You guys are all insane. I’ll see you in Hell.”

In other news

Rumor has it that Karan Johar and Ekta Kapoor are collaborating on a film called “Fifty shades of K.”

In a series of bold moves this week, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh announced a hefty price hike on diesel, limits on subsidized LPG and FDI in aviation and retail. Industry observers have lauded the reforms while the announcements have also sparked rumors that the PM may have started drinking heavily.

Cartoonist Aseem Trivedi, earlier arrested for sedition, had charges dropped against him. When asked, “How was it to be in prison?”, he responded, “It was pretty rough, man. Cartoon is one of the worst answers you can give to the guys inside when they ask “So what are you in for?””

HRD Ministry scraps the second law of thermodynamics

As part of an ongoing modernization and reform campaign, HRD Minister Mr. Kapil Sibal announced plans to scrap the second law of thermodynamics. The second law states the principle of entropy, in which a system continually degrades over time due to increasing levels of disorder.

“We Indians are sick and tired of our system breaking down all the time,’ said Mr. Sibal. “The second law of thermodynamics is responsible for this. It stands in the way of progress. And, it must go,” he thundered.

The announcement followed recommendations of a Group of Ministers convened to identify pesky laws of science and nature that they wanted to see abolished. “There was clear consensus that the principle of entropy is a real nuisance. It’s been there since the beginning of time. It’s outdated. Enough is enough. We’ve never played by the rules of nature. Now we’re officially scrapping it,” said Mr Sibal, before going on to promise the ‘biggest shake-up to the laws of physics since Isaac Newton’. “It’s possible that we might re-introduce the second law along the lines of ‘things will only get better‘,” he clarified.

The HRD minister’s announcement was welcomed enthusiastically by the Prime Minister, Mr. Manmohan Singh who said, “Our style is to fly in the face of common sense and laws. It’s time that we embraced this approach openly. I’ve asked the team to abolish fundamental laws and concepts from economics as well. Many in the cabinet have expressed annoyance with the law of supply and demand, and concepts such as fair market pricing and auctions. Speaking of time, we plan to ban the concept of time itself by 2014, so we can scrap the elections that year.”

In other news

Greece shocked to learn that it is now owned by Suresh Kalmadi. Yesterday, Greek citizens woke up to the fact that their country is now owned by a little known politician from India named Suresh Kalmadi. No one knows yet as to how this heist was pulled off. The entire narrative is expected to unfold over the next three years.

Studies performed by researchers have revealed a deep sense of dissatisfaction among teachers at the quality of homework being done by parents on behalf of their children. “It’s shocking how low the standards have fallen. We often find these poor children hastily re-doing botched attempts by parents, before submitting them.”

Chetan Bhagat admits he has run out of things to write about

Gloom and panic seize fans. Publishers fear this could be the last nail in India’s literary coffin.

Renowned author, Chetan Bhagat, today admitted that he did not know what to write about anymore. “I’ve exhausted all the mundanely commercial possibilities that one can write about. I’ve written about college, working in call centers and getting married. Recently, I even tried writing a non-fictional book.” Bhagat’s latest book “What Young India wants” has met with withering criticism, with the phrase “horse dung” occurring repeatedly in reviews. When asked, Bhagat responded, “Horse manure is, in a sense, hovering all around us, waiting to invade our consciousness. It takes a certain type of mind to get hold of it and inject it into the public consciousness under the right sociological conditions. If you look at it thus, my book is a highly creative effort. But, truth be told, there’s only so much of horse excreta going around. Dude, I’m now at the deep end of the pool and have nowhere left to go.”

This announcement was met with widespread dismay and panic by Bhagat’s millions of fans on Facebook. “What am I now supposed to buy when I’m looking for a ridiculously watered down read for less than a hundred rupees?,” posted a fan, which immediately received over a hundred thousand likes on the social network. A top publisher, under the condition of anonymity, revealed that she was in discussions with Bhagat on his next book. “More than Chetan, we publishers know what young India wants. They need more horse dung. So, we’ve asked Chetan to compile all the fan posts on his Facebook page into a book, which can then be sold back to the fans. We will be trying very hard to push our luck as far as humanly possible,” she added.

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Manmohan Singh urges Indians to follow the Bhagavad Gita and give up all expectations

Following a daylong meeting spent huddling with his Cabinet colleagues and coalition partners, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh announced today that “the best bet for Indian people was to follow the dictum laid out in the Bhagavad Gita”. “Listen, just do your duty. And, give up all your expectations,”, said Singh, “This is the great truth that has been handed down to us over the ages,” adding that there was no point in trying to introduce new bills when “no one really cares about making anything work.” When pressed for more details, Singh added, “If you love something, set it free. Don’t spend all your energy in trying to force something to work. Your government should be free to do its own thing. If it never comes back to thinking about you, perhaps we are not meant to be with each together.” The Prime Minister confirmed that he’s “pretty sure” that his government will not get anything done for another two years and maybe even longer. However, he urged Indians to “keep their minds open to the possibility of a miracle.”

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

A Candid Discussion with Sushil Kumar Shinde

Our new home minister, Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde, dropped by last week and gave what can only be described as his most candid interview till date.

Q: Mr. Shinde, congrats on your promotion. What do you think is your biggest challenge as Home Minister?

Sushil Kumar Shinde: The biggest challenge is to defend our borders. I recently stumbled upon a world map. Every country seems to have a border. I don’t know if you guys realize this. It’s very, very hard to defend yourself when you have borders.

Q: That’s so insightful! Why is it hard to defend our borders?

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Defending borders is not easy because you tend to have foreign countries on the other side of the border. And they’re always trying to move the border when you’re not looking. For example, I noticed that there are foreign countries in the North East on the other side of our border.

Q: You’ve said that you were an excellent Power Minister. Would you like to add to that?

Sushil Kumar Shinde: Yes. Here’s the deal. Superman is gone. No one knows where he is any more. Even Batman has been retired by Chris Nolan. I may be the only fictional super hero left. Being a super hero is no filmy matter, mind you!

Q: Mr. Shinde, how do you plan to combat terrorism? 

Sushil Kumar Shinde: The biggest problem with terrorists today is that we don’t know where they are. So, I plan to issue ID cards to all terrorists when they enter India. This will make it easier to track them. We’ll also have a pool of “immediately available suspects,” who can be arrested within 48 hours of any incident, in case we’re not able to track down the terrorists.

Q: Sir, comedians and satirists were worried when Abhishek Manu Singhvi retired from the public scene. But, God works in mysterious ways. He has given you to us. We sincerely hope that people will appreciate your genius some day. Many thanks for speaking with us.

In a separate statement, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh revealed that he considers the appointment of Mr. Shinde as the Home Minister as “a harmless prank that has gone too far.”

The What Ho! report: Satire, baseless rumors and no real news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.