Fighting breaks out between Dhoni and Sehwag factions

Lasith Malinga’s confidence accidentally bombed in collateral damage

Fighting has broken out between Jaish-e-Dhoni and the Lashkar-e-Sehwag factions, plunging Indian cricket into gloom and chaos. Although sporadic skirmishes have been rumored over the last year, public fighting has not been witnessed hitherto between the factions, until it broke out 2 weeks ago. It is alleged by Lashkar-E-Sehwag that recent, unflattering remarks made at a press conference by their rival worsened an already combative and tense situation, leading to exchange of gun fire and an escalation in hostilities.

The Indian cricket team has, in recent times, split over ideological differences in their approaches to cricket and winning matches. The Jaish-e-Dhoni faction which claims the allegiance of the more youthful members in the team, has pushed for radical reforms such as substituting pre-match workouts with go-karting sessions, and forcefully dropping senior players through a mandatory rotation policy. “I want to make something clear”, said Dhoni in an uncharacteristically communicative moment. “We are the Young Turks. No one deserves the right to ruin the future of Indian cricket more than us”

The Lashkar-e-Sehwag faction represents the old guard of Indian cricket, its best years behind it and now in a fight for survival, respect and relevance. “What does Dhoni know about ruining the future of Indian cricket? When we were blowing it and losing to Bangladesh in World Cup 2007, where was Dhoni?”, Sehwag’s retort is as quick and powerful as his square cut. The seniors have been manfully striving to make cricket more employee friendly by advocating measures such as working from home, substituting running on the field with long, leisurely walks and finishing test matches in under three days. “When you get to my age, you begin to wonder what life’s all about. You realize that you’d rather give away those extra twenty runs than risk a heart attack”, opined Viru wistfully.

Things came to a boiling point earlier this week at Hobart in India’s match against Sri Lanka, which saw the Dhoni faction resort to heavy shelling of and firing surface-to-air missiles against their rivals, catching the Sri Lankans in cross fire. “It was downright scary. I’ve never seen Virat Kohli in such a murderous mood. We just came to play a cricket match. We had no idea that a war was going on between these guys”, said Mahela Jayawardene, leader of the Sri Lankans. “I’m deeply sorry to inform you all that Lasith Malinga’s confidence was caught and severely wounded in the crossfire, and is presently undergoing emergency treatment in intensive care”

The Sri Lankan Cricket Board, in the meanwhile, reacted swiftly by classifying Malinga as a national monument, and setting up an Emergency Relief Fund towards the restoration of the fast bowler’s confidence in bowling death overs.

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.