In an aggressive bid to stay afloat, Kingfisher Airlines has announced massive discounts for passengers who are willing to fly the plane. However, the airlines has put in strict qualification standards for eligibility.  “Only those with a two wheeler license and a helmet are eligible for the scheme”, cautioned the airlines spokesperson. “Also, preference will be given to those passengers who’ve downed a couple of quarts of whisky in the sixty minutes preceding the flight”, she added. In a related announcement, the company chairman revealed that, due to budget cuts, this year’s edition of the Kingfisher calendar will feature Air India staff instead of the usual glamorous fare.

In Other News

Inspired by Dr. Manmohan Singh’s track record in politics, Jawaharlal Nehru University in India has announced a brand new master’s degree program in Political Silence. “A leader is known by the silence he keeps. We can’t think of a better person to serve as honorary head for this new department”, said the University Chancellor in a press release.

In a continuing aftermath of cyclone Thane, which swept through coastal Tamil Nadu, millions of households in the state continue to remain without political power.

It is rumored that Kim Jong Un, the new Supreme Leader of North Korea, has suffered a nervous breakdown just one week after taking over as head honcho. An anonymous inside source said that the new leader “is seriously worried about whether he is crazy enough for the job. I mean, he knows that he’s clearly nuts. But, this job calls for an all new level of insanity”

Presidential candidates in the US primary, in the meanwhile, have warned that the US may not be able to wage war against terrorism and gay rights at the same time. “It’s time to pick our priorities. With Bin Laden dead, Elton John has emerged as the biggest threat to the free world”, said Newt Gingrich at a rally in South Carolina.

The Zen Moment of the Week

Reacting to criticism that the government has remained indifferent to the travails of the common man, Home Minister P. Chidambaram today unveiled what he described “a color-coded apathy alert system” that will help the public gauge exactly how sluggish the government’s attitude is likely to be.

“In the past, people have wondered if the government is up to anything” Mr. Chidambaram said in a press conference in New Delhi. “I’d like to clarify that we remain firmly committed to total indifference. And, it’s my belief that this new system, based on just 3 color codes, will keep the public better informed about the government’s exact level of apathy. This will take any guesswork out of the equation”

“Each of the three colors denotes a specific level of government apathy”, Mr. Chidambaram explained. According to the new system, the color green will signal “normal apathy – ignore real issues, pooh pooh allegations and issue denials in face of mounting evidence”. Orange will denote “enhanced apathy – continue to deny even after Supreme Court convictions”. Red color code will stand for “extremely severe apathy – subversion of Parliament, and token Cabinet shuffles combined with sudden amnesia”.

“As you might have observed, we’ve been able to move the Jan Lokpal bill from green to red in just three months”, added the Home Minister.

However, Mr. Chidambaram was evasive and indifferent to questions on how and when the system was going to be implemented. “I don’t see  why we should rush this,” he told reporters. “This is just getting off the ground. We’ll get it to red in due course of time”

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.