Scientists from the Indian Institute of Technology, Delhi unveiled a radically new “Theory of Unintelligent Design“, which they said was inspired by the bitter feud waged over the years between the theory of evolution and the theory of intelligent design. Providing evidence in support of the new theory, they introduced Exhibit A “Digvijay Singh“. However, Prof. Malhotra from IIT-Delhi, although a die-hard proponent of the new theory, warned, “People, don’t put your stock in just one theory. Even this concept, as powerful as it is, cannot possibly explain everything Diggy does or says. The unified theory of unintelligent design continues to be our Holy Grail”

IN OTHER NEWS

In a rare appearance on national television, Sonia Gandhi offered an upbeat assessment of her son’s fortunes. When quizzed by a television anchor on the crown prince’s recent snafus and plummeting approval, she said, “His numbers were not that great to begin with anyway. So, things are working well for him”. When asked for her opinion on Mr. A. Raja and his incarceration without bail, she responded, “From what I gather, he gets three square meals a day and plays squash twice a week. Things are working well for him”. Responding to concerns about instability in Pakistan related to Asif Al Zardari’s deteriorating health, she said, “Things are working well for them”

Given worsening economic climate and the Congress leadership coming under increasing scrutiny for corruption, the BJP confessed that it was looking for as many ways as possible to squander the opportunity and lose the next general elections. A high level committee comprising L K Advani, Rajnath Singh and Nitin Gadkari has been formed to ensure that the party does not fare well at the hustings. “We’re being given an opportunity on a silver platter. While it’s still too early to think about losing elections, we nevertheless remain focused on identifying an uninspiring PM candidate”, Gadkari confided. ” If we execute this well, that’s the only position that a BJP party member can expect to win”, he added.

In a stunning revelation, a government spokesperson admitted that the recent impassioned speech in Parliament in favor of FDI-in-retail was in fact not given by the Prime Minister, but by a look-alike plastic blow up doll. An elated Congress party worker said, “Man, the toy hit it out of the park”. Parts of the public were not amused. Said one voter, “This is not funny. If I wanted an inanimate object up there, I’d have voted for John Abraham”

In a clever move in tune with its conservative bent, and simultaneously aimed at capitalizing on a burgeoning opportunity, India has legalized gay divorce with immediate effect. An Infosys spokesperson applauded the move and commented, “We’ve been keeping a close eye on gay marriages in the US and Canada. When those marriages go south, we’ll offer a low-cost gay divorce destination here in India. We have no idea why we need engineers for this, but we’ve already hired 4,000 of them in anticipation. We’re also pleased to announce that Kim Kardashian has joined us as senior VP to lead this”

In other news, a careful inspection of George W Bush’s memoirs revealed that US invasion of Iraq was a result of a Microsoft Word auto-spell-check-and-correct feature. “It was supposed to be Iran”, the former President’s spokesperson admitted.

Angry West Indian fans, upset by the drubbing of their team in India, have threatened to boycott the team “unless they start taking steroids immediately”. Responding with alacrity, the Caribbean cricket board has roped in Ben Johnson, the former Jamaican sprinter, to lead their performance enhancement efforts.

ZEN MOMENT OF THE WEEK

In a bearish sign that does not bode well for the Indian economy, the RBI governor, Dr. D. Subbarao, allegedly left a restaurant without paying the bill for his soup. According to an eye witness account, the governor was nervous and fidgety after getting the bill, and first attempted to pay in Iraqi dinars citing the weakness of the Indian rupee. When that failed, he gave the staff the slip and vanished without a trace. Addressing newsmen, Kolaveri Raja, a soup boy at Saravana Bhavan in Chennai, sang an eloquent version of the incident as follows –

Yo boys, I am sing song. Soup song. Flop song.

Why me. Why this. Why this Kolaveri Raja- di?

Empty hotel-u, Governor come-u. Life reverse gear-u. 

soup eat-u. bill avoid-u. my future dark-u.

I gave him bill-u, but he gave me bouv-vu.

God-u, I am dying now-u. He is happy, how-u?

cow-u cow-u, holy cow-u, i want to know now-u

This song for soup boys-u. We don’t have choice-u. 

Why me. why this Kolaveri Kolaveri Raja a-di?

Take two, folks and check out Kolaveri video to the right-top of this page. Enjoy!

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.