Tag Archives: satire

Kingfisher announces discounts for passengers willing to fly plane

In an aggressive bid to stay afloat, Kingfisher Airlines has announced massive discounts for passengers who are willing to fly the plane. However, the airlines has put in strict qualification standards for eligibility.  “Only those with a two wheeler license and a helmet are eligible for the scheme”, cautioned the airlines spokesperson. “Also, preference will be given to those passengers who’ve downed a couple of quarts of whisky in the sixty minutes preceding the flight”, she added. In a related announcement, the company chairman revealed that, due to budget cuts, this year’s edition of the Kingfisher calendar will feature Air India staff instead of the usual glamorous fare.

In Other News

Inspired by Dr. Manmohan Singh’s track record in politics, Jawaharlal Nehru University in India has announced a brand new master’s degree program in Political Silence. “A leader is known by the silence he keeps. We can’t think of a better person to serve as honorary head for this new department”, said the University Chancellor in a press release.

In a continuing aftermath of cyclone Thane, which swept through coastal Tamil Nadu, millions of households in the state continue to remain without political power.

It is rumored that Kim Jong Un, the new Supreme Leader of North Korea, has suffered a nervous breakdown just one week after taking over as head honcho. An anonymous inside source said that the new leader “is seriously worried about whether he is crazy enough for the job. I mean, he knows that he’s clearly nuts. But, this job calls for an all new level of insanity”

Presidential candidates in the US primary, in the meanwhile, have warned that the US may not be able to wage war against terrorism and gay rights at the same time. “It’s time to pick our priorities. With Bin Laden dead, Elton John has emerged as the biggest threat to the free world”, said Newt Gingrich at a rally in South Carolina.

The Zen Moment of the Week

Reacting to criticism that the government has remained indifferent to the travails of the common man, Home Minister P. Chidambaram today unveiled what he described “a color-coded apathy alert system” that will help the public gauge exactly how sluggish the government’s attitude is likely to be.

“In the past, people have wondered if the government is up to anything” Mr. Chidambaram said in a press conference in New Delhi. “I’d like to clarify that we remain firmly committed to total indifference. And, it’s my belief that this new system, based on just 3 color codes, will keep the public better informed about the government’s exact level of apathy. This will take any guesswork out of the equation”

“Each of the three colors denotes a specific level of government apathy”, Mr. Chidambaram explained. According to the new system, the color green will signal “normal apathy – ignore real issues, pooh pooh allegations and issue denials in face of mounting evidence”. Orange will denote “enhanced apathy – continue to deny even after Supreme Court convictions”. Red color code will stand for “extremely severe apathy – subversion of Parliament, and token Cabinet shuffles combined with sudden amnesia”.

“As you might have observed, we’ve been able to move the Jan Lokpal bill from green to red in just three months”, added the Home Minister.

However, Mr. Chidambaram was evasive and indifferent to questions on how and when the system was going to be implemented. “I don’t see  why we should rush this,” he told reporters. “This is just getting off the ground. We’ll get it to red in due course of time”

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Advertisements

Indian Union Cabinet sent to halt Iran’s nuclear program

In an encouraging sign, India has agreed to send its entire cabinet of Union Ministers into Iran in an internationally orchestrated attempt to disrupt and halt Iran’s nuclear program. “These guys can stop anything from happening. They are an A-team when it comes to creating internal tussles, leaking confidential information, paralyzing programs and not taking decisions. We have the utmost confidence in them”, said UN secretary general, Ban-Ki Moon in a press release. “We’re standing by and fully prepared to send in the US Congress along with Dr. Manmohan Singh, if this crew can’t get the job done”

In other news

Digvijay Singh has entered a twelve step program to help him stop blaming RSS. “I have a problem”, acknowledged Diggy when reached over the phone. “A big problem”. He added, “The problem is serious. At first, I used to feel the urge just after meals, 3 times a day. And, pretty soon, I started blaming RSS during drinking sessions. And then, it got out of control and I now blame the RSS at least 20 times a day, and often three times before breakfast”. A health expert advising Diggy has warned that it was not going to be easy. “Often the person experiencing addictive behavior substitutes one addiction with another. In this case, we’ve asked Diggy to substitute RSS blaming with something more socially useful like an anti-Karan Johar position, which we all can wholeheartedly approve”. Later in the day, Diggy came out swinging with a verbally abusive tirade filled with invectives against the release of Agneepath.

Fears that the upcoming elections in UP might turn into a fiasco have been somewhat alleviated by the announcement that Bollywood director duo, Abbas-Mustan has agreed to direct and produce the elections. A political analyst, who preferred to remain anonymous, commented, “There have been serious concerns that elections in India’s largest state could turn into an international laughing stock. But, we’re now relieved that this dynamic duo has signed up to making this into a blockbuster action hit”. Abbas-Mustan have already got off to a swinging start, sacking two thousand candidates “who lack oomph” and have promised to get actors, Bipasha Basu and Katrina Kaif, onto the ballot. The move has already been criticized by political insiders who questioned the actors’ lack of leadership experience. “The critics can go to hell”, said the confident duo. “These are the same guys who questioned if Abhishek Bachchan and Bobby Deol could rob a moving train”

In a move to boost sagging fortunes, Kingfisher Airlines announced that it will now begin stowing passengers in overhead compartments. “Every rupee counts”, explained the airlines spokesperson tersely.

The Times of India group has announced a merger with the Congress party. It is rumored that the financial terms include a sound-bites-for-cash swap. “We’ve been working lock step with the Congress party for the last decade. This move is a mere acknowledgement of the fact”, said a Times group spokesperson. In the new org structure announced, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh will now report to Indu Jain, chairperson of the Times Group.

Zen Moment of the Week

Just a year after a team of scientists determined that Pluto was not a planet after all, the same team reconvened in Mumbai today to pronounce that batsmen on the Indian cricket team were, in fact, not batsmen at all. Indian cricket fans have long suspected that the original characterization of the top order in the Indian batting line up as batsmen may have been in error, but today’s announcement removed any shred of doubt.

“While the likes of Gautam, Virat and Mahender undoubtedly possess some qualities consistent with what you’d expect from batsmen, we’ve come to the conclusion that they are something else entirely”, said Dr. Kolaravi Shastri of the University of Mumbai. “It would be more accurate to characterize them as dwarves”. Dr. Kolaravi also added that it was “understandable” why scientists had assumed that these individuals were batsmen for many years. “They looked like batsmen. They walked like batsmen. They carried bats and wore helmets. For God’s sake, some of these chaps even scored runs in ODIs. Based on observations made in Melbourne and Sydney in the last two weeks, we now understand these mysterious objects better. We’ve changed our theory because they have consistently failed to exhibit one important characteristic that is common to batsmen”, Dr. Shastri clarified, “scoring runs in test cricket”.

BCCI welcomed the findings and announced a test series against Netherlands, in which all the matches will be played at Ferozeshah Kotla and the toss to be won by Indians.

A very happy new year to what ho! readers! God bless.

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

IIT Delhi unveils Theory of Unintelligent Design

Scientists from the Indian Institute of Technology, Delhi unveiled a radically new “Theory of Unintelligent Design“, which they said was inspired by the bitter feud waged over the years between the theory of evolution and the theory of intelligent design. Providing evidence in support of the new theory, they introduced Exhibit A “Digvijay Singh“. However, Prof. Malhotra from IIT-Delhi, although a die-hard proponent of the new theory, warned, “People, don’t put your stock in just one theory. Even this concept, as powerful as it is, cannot possibly explain everything Diggy does or says. The unified theory of unintelligent design continues to be our Holy Grail”

IN OTHER NEWS

In a rare appearance on national television, Sonia Gandhi offered an upbeat assessment of her son’s fortunes. When quizzed by a television anchor on the crown prince’s recent snafus and plummeting approval, she said, “His numbers were not that great to begin with anyway. So, things are working well for him”. When asked for her opinion on Mr. A. Raja and his incarceration without bail, she responded, “From what I gather, he gets three square meals a day and plays squash twice a week. Things are working well for him”. Responding to concerns about instability in Pakistan related to Asif Al Zardari’s deteriorating health, she said, “Things are working well for them”

Given worsening economic climate and the Congress leadership coming under increasing scrutiny for corruption, the BJP confessed that it was looking for as many ways as possible to squander the opportunity and lose the next general elections. A high level committee comprising L K Advani, Rajnath Singh and Nitin Gadkari has been formed to ensure that the party does not fare well at the hustings. “We’re being given an opportunity on a silver platter. While it’s still too early to think about losing elections, we nevertheless remain focused on identifying an uninspiring PM candidate”, Gadkari confided. ” If we execute this well, that’s the only position that a BJP party member can expect to win”, he added.

In a stunning revelation, a government spokesperson admitted that the recent impassioned speech in Parliament in favor of FDI-in-retail was in fact not given by the Prime Minister, but by a look-alike plastic blow up doll. An elated Congress party worker said, “Man, the toy hit it out of the park”. Parts of the public were not amused. Said one voter, “This is not funny. If I wanted an inanimate object up there, I’d have voted for John Abraham”

In a clever move in tune with its conservative bent, and simultaneously aimed at capitalizing on a burgeoning opportunity, India has legalized gay divorce with immediate effect. An Infosys spokesperson applauded the move and commented, “We’ve been keeping a close eye on gay marriages in the US and Canada. When those marriages go south, we’ll offer a low-cost gay divorce destination here in India. We have no idea why we need engineers for this, but we’ve already hired 4,000 of them in anticipation. We’re also pleased to announce that Kim Kardashian has joined us as senior VP to lead this”

In other news, a careful inspection of George W Bush’s memoirs revealed that US invasion of Iraq was a result of a Microsoft Word auto-spell-check-and-correct feature. “It was supposed to be Iran”, the former President’s spokesperson admitted.

Angry West Indian fans, upset by the drubbing of their team in India, have threatened to boycott the team “unless they start taking steroids immediately”. Responding with alacrity, the Caribbean cricket board has roped in Ben Johnson, the former Jamaican sprinter, to lead their performance enhancement efforts.

ZEN MOMENT OF THE WEEK

In a bearish sign that does not bode well for the Indian economy, the RBI governor, Dr. D. Subbarao, allegedly left a restaurant without paying the bill for his soup. According to an eye witness account, the governor was nervous and fidgety after getting the bill, and first attempted to pay in Iraqi dinars citing the weakness of the Indian rupee. When that failed, he gave the staff the slip and vanished without a trace. Addressing newsmen, Kolaveri Raja, a soup boy at Saravana Bhavan in Chennai, sang an eloquent version of the incident as follows –

Yo boys, I am sing song. Soup song. Flop song.

Why me. Why this. Why this Kolaveri Raja- di?

Empty hotel-u, Governor come-u. Life reverse gear-u. 

soup eat-u. bill avoid-u. my future dark-u.

I gave him bill-u, but he gave me bouv-vu.

God-u, I am dying now-u. He is happy, how-u?

cow-u cow-u, holy cow-u, i want to know now-u

This song for soup boys-u. We don’t have choice-u. 

Why me. why this Kolaveri Kolaveri Raja a-di?

Take two, folks and check out Kolaveri video to the right-top of this page. Enjoy!

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

BCCI announces bold steps to make cricket even less appealing

BCCI has announced bold steps to revamp Indian cricket to make it even less appealing to fans. The President of BCCI said, at a press conference, “We’ve taken specific policy decisions around match fixing which are path breaking in nature. All series played by India in India will be won by India. We also expect all away games played by India to be won by respective home teams, except in the cases of West Indies, Zimbabwe, Bangladesh and New Zealand. Also, we’ve offered to let Australia lift the next world cup in exchange for uranium supplies”. In an unrelated development, a female Indian weightlifter tested negative for steroids, sending shock waves through the athletic community.

In other news

Kingfisher Airlines, beleaguered by debt, is offering a “pay for fuel as you go” scheme to passengers. Observers of the airlines industry have welcomed the move saying that it could be a winner. A Kingfisher Airlines spokesperson commented, “We analyzed our problems in-depth and found that basically we don’t have money to pay for fuel, which prompted us to launch this promo. Passengers on Bangalore-Mumbai flights, for example, will be offered options on-board to pay for fuel either ‘all the way to Mumbai’ or to buy a half ticket and get air dropped into Tiruppati”.

The much hyped by-election in Bellary in Karnataka went off peacefully. In an impressive sign of Bangalore’s growing technological prowess, results of the election were announced even before voting had begun.

Disappointed by the lacklustre performance of his government in the first half of its term, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has drawn up an ambitious plan for the remainder of its tenure. He announced, “My cabinet will complete Angry Birds Rio with three stars in all levels by 2014”

A team of scientists which has studied Digvijay Singh’s DNA has concluded that he may lack the gene for “talking sense”. They also stumbled onto the “random gibberish” gene hitherto not found in humans. After analyzing Diggy’s blood work, they claimed to have found “high levels of potassium” indicating a diet rich in bananas and nuts. An angry Congress spokesperson denounced the findings saying, “These results are baseless and untrue. Scientific studies have found apes to be perfectly capable of speech like sounds”

In a bid to combat ‘sharing of objectionable content online’, Union Minister Kapil Sibal has demanded that all Indians change their Facebook passwords to ‘congress420‘. A govt spokesperson explained, “The Hon’ble Minister wishes to log in to any free citizen’s account at anytime and wanted an easy-to-remember password. congress char sau bhees is about as easy as it gets”

In a move that has taken long-time observers of Hell by surprise, Satan has returned the soul of A. Raja back to the former telecom minister himself. A spokesperson for Lucifer had this to say, “It’s true that our dark Lord had an agreement with Mr. Raja. Our Master deeply regrets this and begs public forgiveness for his appalling lack of judgement. In disgust and good conscience, he’s returned Mr. Raja’s soul to him”

The Ministry of Health and Family Welfare has issued a code red alert warning people about “a dangerous outbreak of Emraan Hashmi movies that could pose a significant threat to public safety. We’re working hard to contain the pandemic and advise citizens to take suitable precautionary measures such as avoiding cinema halls and Sony Max”

Zen moment of the week

Bollywood producers announced an innovative movie making technique in which a wax statue of Ajay Devgan will be used in place of the actor in Gol Maal 4. “We’ve extensively tested the concept in focus groups of movie goers around the country, and the results have been amazing. No one could tell the difference. This should cover us till Gol Maal 12”. A Madame Tussauds spokesperson commented from London, “We’re pleased to be partnering with Bollywood on this important project. The demand for John Abraham and Katrina Kaif wax replicas has gone through the roof”

cheers, folks. Have a great weekend.

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Diggy nukes IBM Supercomputer

Earlier this week, the world’s most powerful supercomputer attempted suicide when it failed to understand statements made by Digvijay Singh. The computer, in a secret location and operated by IBM, was fed twenty different statements picked at random, made by Diggy, and started emitting smoke after thirty seconds. A senior IBM official, under assurance of anonymity, said, “This computer has won Jeopardy, and has beaten chess Grand Masters. When we fed Diggy’s utterances, all we could see was an error message saying “What the Hell?” before it started making furious attempts to reboot and wipe out its own hard disk. And when that failed, it doused itself with kerosene and tried to self immolate”

In Other News

In a sign that bodes well for the US economy, thousands of Americans bit, scratched and savaged each other in gladiatorial contests at department stores on Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, to get their hands on a marked down X-Box. In the meanwhile, President Obama was criticized for not invoking God in his Thanksgiving speech, prompting the Almighty himself to respond. In a rare public appearance, the normally taciturn and publicity shy Supreme One descended from heaven and told critics “to shut up”. He firmly defended “brother” Obama saying “We Messiahs, we stick together. We homies, man” at a brief press conference. When asked, “Why does the world hate America so much?”, he replied tersely, “Stop whining. They are the other 99 percent. Get it?”. Fox News immediately circulated a vicious internet rumor and demanded to know “Does this guy really live in Heaven like he claims? We have proof that he’s been living in Nairobi”.

A recent Gallup poll revealed that six out of ten Republicans don’t believe that Democrats exist. In what may be his last turn in a bizarre journey, Herman Cain announced tax cuts for all the women he’s harassed or had an affair with. Observers said that this could apply to as high as 35% of all voters. Newt Gingrich made a strong case for his candidacy this week with his pitch, “Do you want a guy who has married three women or do you want a Mormon?” It is widely anticipated that the American Association of Bigots and Racists will implode and scatter in confusion, faced with the increasing prospect of having to choose between a black guy and a Mormon in the 2012 Presidential election.

The European Union, in a desperate bid to avert crisis in the Euro zone, has put Italy on EBay. Millions of Italians rioted on the streets, asking to be placed instead on Groupon. Mario Monti, the new Italian prime minister, is believed to be in talks with the European Central Bank to work out an arrangement in which Italy will marry Kim Kardashian for 42 days to pay its short term debt. Now, it’s no secret that we at Laughing Gas are huge fans of Kim, and we solemnly swear that we’ll do anything to keep her in the news.

The UK government, upset by the random assault on its embassy in Teheran, said that no further diplomancy was possible until Ahmadijinad dismantled and neutralized his last name. A government spokesperson said, “It’s frankly unpronounceable and a credible threat to western tongues”.

The Indian government has been roundly criticized by business leaders for its “paralysis in decision making”. In response, the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, met the business community and personally assured them that all government reforms were on schedule “as per the ancient Mayan calendar”. He also promised to follow them on Twitter.

Sick and tired of news, millions of disillusioned Indians have now started reading the Times of India. A TOI spokesperson commented, “We are pleased to be leading the fantasy news genre that is sweeping the nation” and also announced that, in a management shakeup, Harry Potter and Percy Jackson will now jointly head the editorial team at TOI, and Chetan Bhagat will be given a special position as the ‘Abominable Writing Man’. Apparently, TOI wasn’t able to lure Voldemort away from his plum role at Fox News. Separately, a Star News spokesperson urged the government to quickly resolve the FDI-in-retail crisis as “it’s seriously interrupting our coverage of Big Boss 5”

Zen moment of the week

No e-commerce startup was funded today, leaving the entrepreneur community in Bangalore, India’s Silicon Valley stunned. It’s finally happened. A day has come and passed by without the funding of a single e-commerce startup. A prominent entrepreneur, always ready to comment, commented, “This is definitely a little weird. The bubble hasn’t yet achieved its maximum potential. We’re starting an e-commerce site which is targeted at anyone who’s starting an e-commerce site. And, that’s millions of people. The market opportunity is humongous. It’s going to be the biggest thing since missed calls”

that’s all folks. pip-pip. cheers.

The What Ho! Report: Only headlines, baseless rumors and no substantial news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Harvinder, why this Kolaveri di?

Union minister Sharad Pawar became the latest politician to be assaulted, when 27 year old Harvinder Singh landed a slap on his face. Harvinder is being described as a “hot head, mentally unbalanced with poor communication skills”. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own prime time talk show on Times Now. Upon being told the news, Anna Hazare responded “Ek hi maara kya?” (“He was slapped only once?”). Arvind Kejriwal has now threatened to slap at least three Union Ministers if the parliament fails to pass the Jan Lokpal bill in the winter session. Some parts of the public have criticized Pawar’s security team for allowing this to happen. When asked, a spokesperson for the security team responded, “Sorry, we were too busy laughing our asses off”. This column just writes itself, doesn’t it? It is rumored that Harvinder’s right arm was injured while handcuffing him. Hey go easy, that’s his slapping arm! I mean, this guy could be out for the season.

In a rare display of public coherence, a senior BJP leader made sense, stunning the nation. “What’s the fuss all about?”, enquired LK Advani-ji. “I just expressed a desire to retire from politics. All these yatras are giving me a crick in the neck”. In an equally stunning development, Digvijay Singh didn’t make any idiotic statements this week. We hope he’s ok. Oops, we spoke too soon. Mayawati got the UP assembly to pass a resolution to split the state into four and bury her horcruxes in each of them. And, the Indian rupee fell to Rs. 52 against the dollar, dropping faster than Berlusconi’s pants in a hooker convention.

New York Police Department (NYPD) evicted the Occupy Wall Street protesters from Zuccotti Park this week, thus clearing space for the Chinese to launch their “Occupy America” campaign.  The Egyptian military cautioned NYPD “against excessive use of force”. In related developments, former Indian telecom ministers intensified their “Occupy Tihar” movement, and Herman Cain kicked off his “Occupy My Pants” yatra. Presidential candidates in the US Republican primary race all vowed to “find the nuclear weapons in Iran”. In a promising sign of things to come, they pledged to find Iran first. It is anticipated that the 2012 US Presidential race will be filmed by Disney as a modern remake of  “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”.

European scientists at CERN claimed that they have discovered evidence of someone using Google+, which was met with incredulous gasps around the world. The claim will be investigated by an independent committee headed by Justin Timberlake, which plans to look into any possible “human errors in observation”. If proved to be true, this could turn the world of social networking upside down.

Hooray, baby Bachchan is here! Alas, big B refused to share pics of the newborn saying it was “too personal”. Understandable. But, dad Abhishek was busy tweeting fans to suggest names for the baby. Ok, we’re confused. We are allowed to name the baby but can’t see a pic of hers? Puts a whole new spin on putting a face to the name. Anyways, here’s wishing the littlest Bachchan all the very best! Chetan Bhagat’s latest tome ‘Revolution 2020’ is off to a great start. 700K copies sold! Apparently, bad literature and nation building go hand in hand. Sachin Tendulkar missed his hundredth hundred by just six runs in the third test against the West Indies. Man, what an underachiever!

Sony Music released the video of a Tamlish single sung by superstar Rajnikanth’s son-in-law Dhanush called “Why this kolaveri di?” (Why this murderous rage?”). The song has become an overnight hit among the youth, getting a million views on YouTube, and was trending at No.1 on twitter. People, this can mean only one thing. That these kids don’t have a role model. Let’s hope that these youngsters realize that, in the time they wasted on watching the video, Kim Kardashian would have married five times and made $100mill.

Zen moment of the week

BJP plans to boycott the Finance Minister, Palaniswamy Chidambaram, in parliament, accusing him of “having thousands of secret Swiss accounts each under a different spelling of his name”. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh wistfully exhorted the main opposition party “to not yield to that temptation” and also asked BJP “why this kolaveri di?”

Do check out the sensational lyrics on the kolaveri video .. cow-u cow-u, holy cow-u, I want to hear now-u.. do write back.

pip-pip and toodles.

The What Ho Report: Only headlines, baseless rumors and no substantial news whatsoever. Hey, if it works for Times of India, it should work for us, right? 

Reliance might buy Kingfisher, trade Mallya to Mumbai Indians

This week, we’re starting a series called “Headline News”, which will contain only headlines, baseless rumors and no  substantial news whatsoever. Hey, if it works for Times of India, it should work for us, right? Let’s break a coconut and off we go.

The king of good times has been grounded for want of money. Kingfisher Airlines, burdened by debt, has been unable to pay salaries to employees, fuel surcharge and landing fees to the government and payments to Airbus. Our sources tell us that Mallya might exit the airlines business, and run for prime minister of Italy. In an obvious money making scheme, Mallya plans to wed Kim Kardashian, who’s expressed keen interest in a joint scam venture. Kingfisher airlines also plans to run in-flight ads for crack cocaine in a bid to raise working capital. Heard on the grapevine – Reliance rumored to be interested in buying Kingfisher and trading Mallya to Mumbai Indians.

In Other News

In a startling development, Facebook hackers turned themselves in,  and returned stolen passwords. Speaking to reporters moments before being led away by FBI agents, they described the passwords as ‘scary and worthless’, and said that they were ‘deeply disturbed’ by the images that they already found on Facebook.  In an unrelated development, the US government has decided to pull the plug on FBI and CIA in a cost cutting measure. A government spokesman explained the decision as “the right one, when other free alternatives such as Facebook are available for spying”.

In other news, scientists have downgraded the Indian government to “an almost inconsequential dwarf” status, which puts it at three notches below Pluto and one notch above a random meteor found at the outer edge of the Milky Way.

Sales of iPhone 4S broke the record held by its predecessor – iPhone 4, which clearly indicates that customers remain blithely unaware that the ‘phone‘ feature is still missing in the product.

Rahul Gandhi sent ripples through the political landscape with his caustic comments on unemployment in Uttar Pradesh, saying that “people from UP are being forced to move to Mumbai and beg for jobs”.  In response, beggars in Mumbai plan to sue him, and Iran’s Ahmadejinad advised Rahul to ‘tone down his rhetoric’. Digvijay Singh has stepped in and offered to coach the crown prince on public speaking. Aise har ek friend zaroori hota hai. Meanwhile, Mayawati has proposed carving UP into four states. The Centre pleaded with her to ‘not do anything stupid’ without consulting them first.

In a fit of desperation, Arvind Kejriwal has threatened to immolate Anna Hazare if the parliament fails to pass Jan Lokpal bill in its winter session. Anna Hazare could not be reached for comment.

RaOne has not quite set the world on fire. Now we know why. Shah Rukh Khan has blamed the RaOne debacle on his TV look-alike, who apparently impersonated him in the movie. In a stunning turnabout, SRK claimed that he “was not even aware that the movie was being made” and he was busy “dancing at wedding receptions in South Delhi” while the movie was being shot.

In a sign of Bollywood’s growing international clout, North Korea claimed to have possession of all Ranbir Kapoor films, and has threatened to destabilize the world by releasing them. Responding to the threat, SM Krishna assured the Indian public that the world “is ending in 2012 anyway” and there was no cause for alarm.

Sports

The swashbuckling southpaw, Yuvraj Singh, has been dropped from Indian team for the third test against the West Indies. In a bid to come back, the grumpy left hander has checked himself into an anger replenishment program, and vowed to recover his missing rage and disregard for team spirit. Earlier in the week, India beat the West Indies by an innings and $10 million in the second test. BCCI topped the Caribbean cricket board bid of $9mill. to ensure the win for the Men in Blue.

In what only he believed to be a sensational claim, Vinod Kambli said that the 1996 World Cup semis was fixed. In response, all the guys who fixed that match denied it, and millions of Indians yawned and went back to sleep. Kambli also speculated that KJo might be gay, and wondered if there may be neither Santa Claus nor tooth fairy. He broke down and sobbed when reporters confirmed his speculations.

Disillusioned by winning the test series against Sri Lanka, the entire Pakistan cricket team has announced its retirement from cricket, and now plans to concentrate on full time careers as match fixers and bookies. The captain, Misbah, said “It’s stressful to win matches when you are not expected to do so. It’s taking a toll on our wallets”