BCCI has announced bold steps to revamp Indian cricket to make it even less appealing to fans. The President of BCCI said, at a press conference, “We’ve taken specific policy decisions around match fixing which are path breaking in nature. All series played by India in India will be won by India. We also expect all away games played by India to be won by respective home teams, except in the cases of West Indies, Zimbabwe, Bangladesh and New Zealand. Also, we’ve offered to let Australia lift the next world cup in exchange for uranium supplies”. In an unrelated development, a female Indian weightlifter tested negative for steroids, sending shock waves through the athletic community.

In other news

Kingfisher Airlines, beleaguered by debt, is offering a “pay for fuel as you go” scheme to passengers. Observers of the airlines industry have welcomed the move saying that it could be a winner. A Kingfisher Airlines spokesperson commented, “We analyzed our problems in-depth and found that basically we don’t have money to pay for fuel, which prompted us to launch this promo. Passengers on Bangalore-Mumbai flights, for example, will be offered options on-board to pay for fuel either ‘all the way to Mumbai’ or to buy a half ticket and get air dropped into Tiruppati”.

The much hyped by-election in Bellary in Karnataka went off peacefully. In an impressive sign of Bangalore’s growing technological prowess, results of the election were announced even before voting had begun.

Disappointed by the lacklustre performance of his government in the first half of its term, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has drawn up an ambitious plan for the remainder of its tenure. He announced, “My cabinet will complete Angry Birds Rio with three stars in all levels by 2014”

A team of scientists which has studied Digvijay Singh’s DNA has concluded that he may lack the gene for “talking sense”. They also stumbled onto the “random gibberish” gene hitherto not found in humans. After analyzing Diggy’s blood work, they claimed to have found “high levels of potassium” indicating a diet rich in bananas and nuts. An angry Congress spokesperson denounced the findings saying, “These results are baseless and untrue. Scientific studies have found apes to be perfectly capable of speech like sounds”

In a bid to combat ‘sharing of objectionable content online’, Union Minister Kapil Sibal has demanded that all Indians change their Facebook passwords to ‘congress420‘. A govt spokesperson explained, “The Hon’ble Minister wishes to log in to any free citizen’s account at anytime and wanted an easy-to-remember password. congress char sau bhees is about as easy as it gets”

In a move that has taken long-time observers of Hell by surprise, Satan has returned the soul of A. Raja back to the former telecom minister himself. A spokesperson for Lucifer had this to say, “It’s true that our dark Lord had an agreement with Mr. Raja. Our Master deeply regrets this and begs public forgiveness for his appalling lack of judgement. In disgust and good conscience, he’s returned Mr. Raja’s soul to him”

The Ministry of Health and Family Welfare has issued a code red alert warning people about “a dangerous outbreak of Emraan Hashmi movies that could pose a significant threat to public safety. We’re working hard to contain the pandemic and advise citizens to take suitable precautionary measures such as avoiding cinema halls and Sony Max”

Zen moment of the week

Bollywood producers announced an innovative movie making technique in which a wax statue of Ajay Devgan will be used in place of the actor in Gol Maal 4. “We’ve extensively tested the concept in focus groups of movie goers around the country, and the results have been amazing. No one could tell the difference. This should cover us till Gol Maal 12”. A Madame Tussauds spokesperson commented from London, “We’re pleased to be partnering with Bollywood on this important project. The demand for John Abraham and Katrina Kaif wax replicas has gone through the roof”

cheers, folks. Have a great weekend.

The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.