Earlier this week, the world’s most powerful supercomputer attempted suicide when it failed to understand statements made by Digvijay Singh. The computer, in a secret location and operated by IBM, was fed twenty different statements picked at random, made by Diggy, and started emitting smoke after thirty seconds. A senior IBM official, under assurance of anonymity, said, “This computer has won Jeopardy, and has beaten chess Grand Masters. When we fed Diggy’s utterances, all we could see was an error message saying “What the Hell?” before it started making furious attempts to reboot and wipe out its own hard disk. And when that failed, it doused itself with kerosene and tried to self immolate”

In Other News

In a sign that bodes well for the US economy, thousands of Americans bit, scratched and savaged each other in gladiatorial contests at department stores on Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, to get their hands on a marked down X-Box. In the meanwhile, President Obama was criticized for not invoking God in his Thanksgiving speech, prompting the Almighty himself to respond. In a rare public appearance, the normally taciturn and publicity shy Supreme One descended from heaven and told critics “to shut up”. He firmly defended “brother” Obama saying “We Messiahs, we stick together. We homies, man” at a brief press conference. When asked, “Why does the world hate America so much?”, he replied tersely, “Stop whining. They are the other 99 percent. Get it?”. Fox News immediately circulated a vicious internet rumor and demanded to know “Does this guy really live in Heaven like he claims? We have proof that he’s been living in Nairobi”.

A recent Gallup poll revealed that six out of ten Republicans don’t believe that Democrats exist. In what may be his last turn in a bizarre journey, Herman Cain announced tax cuts for all the women he’s harassed or had an affair with. Observers said that this could apply to as high as 35% of all voters. Newt Gingrich made a strong case for his candidacy this week with his pitch, “Do you want a guy who has married three women or do you want a Mormon?” It is widely anticipated that the American Association of Bigots and Racists will implode and scatter in confusion, faced with the increasing prospect of having to choose between a black guy and a Mormon in the 2012 Presidential election.

The European Union, in a desperate bid to avert crisis in the Euro zone, has put Italy on EBay. Millions of Italians rioted on the streets, asking to be placed instead on Groupon. Mario Monti, the new Italian prime minister, is believed to be in talks with the European Central Bank to work out an arrangement in which Italy will marry Kim Kardashian for 42 days to pay its short term debt. Now, it’s no secret that we at Laughing Gas are huge fans of Kim, and we solemnly swear that we’ll do anything to keep her in the news.

The UK government, upset by the random assault on its embassy in Teheran, said that no further diplomancy was possible until Ahmadijinad dismantled and neutralized his last name. A government spokesperson said, “It’s frankly unpronounceable and a credible threat to western tongues”.

The Indian government has been roundly criticized by business leaders for its “paralysis in decision making”. In response, the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, met the business community and personally assured them that all government reforms were on schedule “as per the ancient Mayan calendar”. He also promised to follow them on Twitter.

Sick and tired of news, millions of disillusioned Indians have now started reading the Times of India. A TOI spokesperson commented, “We are pleased to be leading the fantasy news genre that is sweeping the nation” and also announced that, in a management shakeup, Harry Potter and Percy Jackson will now jointly head the editorial team at TOI, and Chetan Bhagat will be given a special position as the ‘Abominable Writing Man’. Apparently, TOI wasn’t able to lure Voldemort away from his plum role at Fox News. Separately, a Star News spokesperson urged the government to quickly resolve the FDI-in-retail crisis as “it’s seriously interrupting our coverage of Big Boss 5”

Zen moment of the week

No e-commerce startup was funded today, leaving the entrepreneur community in Bangalore, India’s Silicon Valley stunned. It’s finally happened. A day has come and passed by without the funding of a single e-commerce startup. A prominent entrepreneur, always ready to comment, commented, “This is definitely a little weird. The bubble hasn’t yet achieved its maximum potential. We’re starting an e-commerce site which is targeted at anyone who’s starting an e-commerce site. And, that’s millions of people. The market opportunity is humongous. It’s going to be the biggest thing since missed calls”

that’s all folks. pip-pip. cheers.

The What Ho! Report: Only headlines, baseless rumors and no substantial news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.