Union minister Sharad Pawar became the latest politician to be assaulted, when 27 year old Harvinder Singh landed a slap on his face. Harvinder is being described as a “hot head, mentally unbalanced with poor communication skills”. Well, no surprise, today he was offered his own prime time talk show on Times Now. Upon being told the news, Anna Hazare responded “Ek hi maara kya?” (“He was slapped only once?”). Arvind Kejriwal has now threatened to slap at least three Union Ministers if the parliament fails to pass the Jan Lokpal bill in the winter session. Some parts of the public have criticized Pawar’s security team for allowing this to happen. When asked, a spokesperson for the security team responded, “Sorry, we were too busy laughing our asses off”. This column just writes itself, doesn’t it? It is rumored that Harvinder’s right arm was injured while handcuffing him. Hey go easy, that’s his slapping arm! I mean, this guy could be out for the season.

In a rare display of public coherence, a senior BJP leader made sense, stunning the nation. “What’s the fuss all about?”, enquired LK Advani-ji. “I just expressed a desire to retire from politics. All these yatras are giving me a crick in the neck”. In an equally stunning development, Digvijay Singh didn’t make any idiotic statements this week. We hope he’s ok. Oops, we spoke too soon. Mayawati got the UP assembly to pass a resolution to split the state into four and bury her horcruxes in each of them. And, the Indian rupee fell to Rs. 52 against the dollar, dropping faster than Berlusconi’s pants in a hooker convention.

New York Police Department (NYPD) evicted the Occupy Wall Street protesters from Zuccotti Park this week, thus clearing space for the Chinese to launch their “Occupy America” campaign.  The Egyptian military cautioned NYPD “against excessive use of force”. In related developments, former Indian telecom ministers intensified their “Occupy Tihar” movement, and Herman Cain kicked off his “Occupy My Pants” yatra. Presidential candidates in the US Republican primary race all vowed to “find the nuclear weapons in Iran”. In a promising sign of things to come, they pledged to find Iran first. It is anticipated that the 2012 US Presidential race will be filmed by Disney as a modern remake of  “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”.

European scientists at CERN claimed that they have discovered evidence of someone using Google+, which was met with incredulous gasps around the world. The claim will be investigated by an independent committee headed by Justin Timberlake, which plans to look into any possible “human errors in observation”. If proved to be true, this could turn the world of social networking upside down.

Hooray, baby Bachchan is here! Alas, big B refused to share pics of the newborn saying it was “too personal”. Understandable. But, dad Abhishek was busy tweeting fans to suggest names for the baby. Ok, we’re confused. We are allowed to name the baby but can’t see a pic of hers? Puts a whole new spin on putting a face to the name. Anyways, here’s wishing the littlest Bachchan all the very best! Chetan Bhagat’s latest tome ‘Revolution 2020’ is off to a great start. 700K copies sold! Apparently, bad literature and nation building go hand in hand. Sachin Tendulkar missed his hundredth hundred by just six runs in the third test against the West Indies. Man, what an underachiever!

Sony Music released the video of a Tamlish single sung by superstar Rajnikanth’s son-in-law Dhanush called “Why this kolaveri di?” (Why this murderous rage?”). The song has become an overnight hit among the youth, getting a million views on YouTube, and was trending at No.1 on twitter. People, this can mean only one thing. That these kids don’t have a role model. Let’s hope that these youngsters realize that, in the time they wasted on watching the video, Kim Kardashian would have married five times and made $100mill.

Zen moment of the week

BJP plans to boycott the Finance Minister, Palaniswamy Chidambaram, in parliament, accusing him of “having thousands of secret Swiss accounts each under a different spelling of his name”. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh wistfully exhorted the main opposition party “to not yield to that temptation” and also asked BJP “why this kolaveri di?”

Do check out the sensational lyrics on the kolaveri video .. cow-u cow-u, holy cow-u, I want to hear now-u.. do write back.

pip-pip and toodles.

The What Ho Report: Only headlines, baseless rumors and no substantial news whatsoever. Hey, if it works for Times of India, it should work for us, right?