Year: 2012

  • The Few, The Proud and The Privileged

    Good evening, peeps, listen up. This is your pre-boarding announcement for Flight 568 to Dubai.

    We invite all first-class and business-class passengers, passengers needing special assistance, families travelling with small children, and children travelling with small families to now board the aircraft.

    We now invite the Kardashian sisters, Diamond Encrusted Imperial Tiara Club members, Olympic Gold medal Winners, Facebook Founders, current and former Miss Universes and United Nations Secretary Generals to board at this time.

    Thank you for waiting. We now welcome members of Rapidly Ascending Skywards Triple Advantage, Supremely Important Priority Partners, Surly Men in Suits Who Overpay for Tickets, Highly Preferred and Obnoxiously Rude Members, Members of Illuminati, Knights of the Templar, Top Dogs, Type A Cool Cats, Wealthy Tyrants of Small Islands and Top Class Numero Unos to now board the aircraft.

    We appreciate your patience. We are pleased to welcome members of Silver Budget, Silver Platter, Silver Spoons, Just a Cut Above the Rest, Barely Above and Beyond, Members of Noticeable Distinction, e-Go Maniacs, Circle of Hubris, AlwaysMeFirst Super Deluxe and AlwaysMeFirst Classic Rewards Program, and You’re Standing in My Way Club. Please board the aircraft before we change our minds.

    If there’s any one left, you don’t deserve to board the aircraft. Beat it.

  • The Supreme One slashes the budget for Heaven

    Dear People in Heaven and Hell,

    As you’re well aware, eternity lasts a very long time. And, you are equally well aware that death is inevitable. These two facts have combined to place tremendous strain on my resources, which I once wrongly perceived as infinite. Keeping the murderers among you immersed in fire forever, for example, takes an enormous expenditure of energy, as you can imagine. Not even I, the Supreme One, can circumvent or overrule the laws of thermodynamics. A rapidly rising population in the after-life, coupled with a precipitous increase in energy and operating costs are now threatening to derail my core project, which is to keep the universe running.

    According to research I had commissioned McKinsey & Co. to do, even those who’ve made it to Heaven are dissatisfied, in spite of extraordinary investments we’ve made in heavenly amenities. I’m especially pained to note that customer satisfaction surveys of the denizens of Paradise repeatedly show only one response when asked about perception of Heaven: “Not what I was expecting.” It appears that modern humans clearly seem to have less regard for Heaven, when compared to Dante.

    Long story short, I don’t have resources to keep things going at this rate, and need to make changes urgently. So, here are the measures that will come into effect immediately.

    All amenities now offered in Heaven will be ended, and replaced with just one benefit – free cable TV subscription in all rooms. If our studies are right, I expect that this measure alone will cause our satisfaction ratings to rocket immediately, and our costs to drop dramatically. I also expect this measure to eliminate another common complaint in Heaven, “All my friends are in the other place.”

    That will not be all. The problem of eternal liability continues to exist. According to research, the promise of just a year or two in heaven is adequate to generate ninety five percent of the desired “good” behavior in mortals. In fact, the promise of “eternal bliss” is viewed with suspicion and disfavor among adults who have completed college education. This suggests that cutting back on the eternal salvation promise will not lead to significant drops in faith, obedience and repentance levels. Focus group studies indicate a similar pattern on the deterrence side of the equation. Eternal damnation will be replaced with a limited term penalty of (say) three years of rolling a massive rock up the hill, while being tormented by demons and other such punishments not involving burning of fossil fuels.

    Although it’s with great reluctance that I consented to modifying the original covenant between Me and you, I’ve learnt that consumers such as yourselves are quite open to modifying the same. I’m not surprised that the damned are happy to take any reduction in their terms. I’m surprised to know that the blessed too are ready to renegotiate eternal bliss, and are willing to be “bought out” of their existing contracts, if offered an attractive package such as, say, being reborn and leading a full life with an unlimited talk time and data plan.

    Rest assured that we’ve consulted our legal team extensively on these modifications to the original terms and conditions of mortal life. It’s my belief that this will not require any changes to documentation on life, which in any case was left intentionally vague, and which not many of you seem to have bothered to read in the first place.

    Peace and regards.

    The Supreme One.

  • I’m sorry, but..

    The other day, I was offered an apology. It wasn’t a bad one. But, I wasn’t ready to settle yet. Somehow, the apology didn’t quite, at any point during its course, exceed the threshold of my expectation. And regretfully, I had to turn it down. I have my principles. And they don’t include accepting an apology that is rendered in haste. Haste is a trait I view with suspicion. The apology that rolls off the tongue easily does not satisfy. It reflects evasiveness and flippancy, not remorse. What does it say about me when I accept apologies rather easily? I would rather not stoop and sink to the level of those who promiscuously accept the easy apologies. Once you sink down to that level, it’s just a hop, skip and jump away from the dangers of forgiveness.

    A day later, the apology was re-submitted. This time, in a noticeably lengthier form. Yet, it did not satisfy. So, I held my silence. But, I felt an escalating pressure to accept it and, to use a rather crude phrase, “put the matter behind us.” Upon examination of the apology, I was satisfied this time to note that it was complete and not half-baked. It contained a high level of repeated assurance that it was meant sincerely and “in good faith.” Many of the apologist’s friends called in to confirm true regret on his part. There was language in his words that suggested that he (the apologist) had reflected on his act, and that it (his act) reflected “insensitivity” and that he was “distressed” by the “whole thing.” It was an excellent attempt. Yet, it did not rise to the level needed to overwhelm and wash away memories of original cruelty and inflicted pain. I lingered. I wondered what it would mean to accept the apology. Would it mean that I had somehow ratified his callous behavior? Would it mean that I accepted him back? No. I was not ready for that, not yet anyway. And so, I turned it down.

    Disappointed, I turned instead to the comfort of musing on the nature of apology itself. Does the simple apology merit existence? Is “sorry” worth the trouble of expression? I pondered on the hurts, pains, aches, anger, disappointment and disillusionment we cause each other. When considered against the backdrop of our monumental blunders, our abject apologies seemed inadequate. So, I wondered. This reverie was interrupted by a third apology. This time, it was in the form of a note, accompanied by a fine bottle of French wine, a box of Swiss chocolates and tickets to an IPL game. Nice try, I thought. But, wait. We were not done yet. There was the note.

    The note said, “I hope that you will find a way to accept this apology, which I solemnly affirm that I’m making with full possession of my mind and faculties and without reservations or conditions, and move on.” I read the note. And, I read it again. As I read it again and again, I sensed fury possessing me at what I believed was the cavalier use of the phrase “move on.” Was I being equated with a guest lingering at an overcrowded buffet table? I sensed impatience on part of the apologist to somehow evict me from this moral high ground that I had rightfully occupied after his transgression. Anger enveloped me at his audacity. And, I blacked out thereafter.

    After I had recovered sufficiently, I did what I felt was best under the circumstances. I wrote back to the offender. “I’m sorry. But, I cannot accept your apology.”

  • God Delusion by Richard Dawkins – A Review

    “God Delusion” is a bestseller non fiction book, written by Richard Dawkins, a professor at Oxford.

    The primary purpose of the book is to debunk the Judeo-Christian notion of God as a “superhuman, supernatural intelligence who deliberately designed and created the universe and everything in it, including us,” which Dawkins calls the “God Hypothesis.” His argument against this hypothesis is that a God with such abilities has to be more complex than what it has created, and hence improbable. He then raises the reductio ad absurdum question of who created God. In fact, this elaboration on the “Mommy, who created God?” question is the central argument of the book.

    Dawkins’ argues that science and religion are mutually incompatible for the reason that science is all about evidence, while religion is about believing without evidence. He makes the point “morality needs no religion,” which, frankly, has been said before. He stands on the shoulders of Bertrand Russell when he says this.

    My observations from reading the book

    Dawkins treats “believers” with little respect. e.g. calling them ‘faith heads’ to make unwarranted, implied comparisons with ‘crack heads’. This is not necessary. On the other hand, religion has become accustomed to getting respect. So, maybe a little disrespect is not a bad tactic to get attention. Agree with his real point that there is no reason why religion should be immune to criticism or get any special treatment.

    Dawkins blames religion disproportionately. Reading the book – one would be tempted to believe that if religion were to be somehow obliterated, all the world’s wars would cease. Rather dramatic and flawed since things like language and good old megalomaniacal tendencies have contributed more to wars than religion. I get the sense that Dawkins is hung up more on labels rather than religion or God itself, and is stretching to make the linkages. his point really is that religion is a ‘marker’ much like tribal membership, language, skin color etc except that we’re giving it way more (undeserved) respect than the other markers. This is a fair point but not a very useful one.

    Dawkins recommends impractical and absurd measures like “children should not be given the religious labels of their parents”. Again, he unfairly picks on religion, since non-religious beliefs of parents play possibly an even more important role in deciding children’s future development. Further, children tend to grow out of their parents’ belief systems as they have experiences of their own

    Dawkins makes no distinction between ‘liberals’, ‘moderates’ and ‘extremists’ in religions. This may not be a minor point. Just like – not all atheists are pacifists (eg Stalin, Mao), not all theists are pacifist. So why, again, isolate religion as a sole culprit?

    He is unable to pin down what he really feels is wrong with or does not makes sense about religion from an evolutionary perspective. Dawkins would be the first to admit that religion has a “utility” value in evolution, although he would qualify this by saying “even false beliefs have utility value.” False belief or not, religion’s utility appears to be there. So, what’s the problem with this? Why the hysteria against religion? This is especially disappointing given his strengths in this area.

    The Verdict

    Dawkins brings a great deal of passion to the book, but reading it can feel like watching a Michael Moore movie. His tone is smug, logic sloppy at times and the book occasionally includes crass phrases like “sucking up to God”. When it comes to his own specialty, evolutionary biology, there is none better. But the purpose of this book is not to explain science. It is rather, as he tells us, “to raise consciousness,” which is quite another thing. The book ends up being a unscientific polemic, in which an evolutionary biologist stretches into areas like socio-economics, politics, history, philosophy, theosophy, theology etc. where he has no core expertise. For a person who does not believe in God, he appears more obsessed with Him than the believers.

    Dawkins puts forth that to be an atheist is a “brave and splendid” aspiration. On a scale of 1 to 7, where 1 is certainty that God exists and 7 is certainty that God does not exist, Dawkins rates himself a 6. “I cannot know for certain but I think God is very improbable, and I live my life on the assumption that he is not there,” he says. An assumption, not coincidentally that has fetched him millions of dollars.

    If you’re looking for a “good atheist” book, this one’s not it.

  • What is the Higgs Boson?

    Today (July 4, 2012), scientists from CERN in Europe announced that they may have found clear signs of a particle which is thought to be the Higgs boson, popularly known as the God particle. The hardworking scientists aren’t getting ahead of themselves, and are not quite confirming the existence of the Higgs boson outright. They’ve stopped at saying that they have evidence for a new particle, which “must be a boson” and that “there is a high probability that this could be the Higgs boson.”

    What is the Higgs boson? Why is it called the God particle?

    Is there a simple way to describe this without doing gross injustice to the years of work and thought that has gone into it? Not really, but what ho! plunge into it we shall, in any case.

    All matter is composed of fundamental particles. In fact, scientists have uncovered twelve particles that can be described as building blocks of matter. There may be more yet to be found. As of now, there are twelve. Out of these twelve, three (electron, up/down quarks) are considered even more fundamental for the reason that everything else can be constructed using a combination of these three. In other words, a few basic particles combine in various possible ways to create higher level particles. Higher level particles get together in other possible manners and shapes to form chairs, cats, people and plants, which have perceptible mass. I think we should leave this at that, for fear that if we go any further, our brains will begin to tie themselves into knots.

    Long story short, there are a small number of sub-atomic, “massless” particles which combine mysteriously to form matter. Mysteriously? How do an electron and an up quark decide to form a neutron? What is it that triggers these combinations causing matter to be formed?

    This is where the Higgs boson comes in. Peter Higgs, a British physicist, came up with the theory that there *had* be this even more inscrutably mysterious particle that catalyzed interactions between the fundamental particles, which results in matter being formed. He and later scientists have envisioned this “thing” as sort of a massless wave that exists everywhere. When other particles interact with this energy field, if you will, they combine and begin transformation into matter. Whew! Hope that made sense. This theoretical particle was named the Higgs boson, in honor of its postulator, and the popular media began dubbing it the “God particle” due to the powers of creation ascribed to it.

    How do you prove something called the God particle exists?

    For a good part of four decades, the Higgs boson has remained a theory in search of proof. Speaking of proof, how exactly do you go about proving a thing like the God particle? Well, here’s how it roughly works. You have two models. One which says, “Yes, there’s a Higgs boson”. And another that says, “No, there isn’t.” You let each model to make predictions on effects that can be observed. An example of an observable effect is what happens when two particles are smashed into each other, otherwise known as a “particle collision.” So, scientist conduct collisions and record the data from the collisions. And then they check to see if there are observable differences between predictions of the two models. In this particular case of the Higgs boson, the difference predicted between the models is incredibly tiny. Since this difference is so small, bajillions of data are needed before you can come to a statistically significant conclusion. All of this also means you need apparatus that can generate enormous amounts of energy required to conduct particle collision experiments.

    This is where the CERN labs in Europe came in. They spent billions of dollars in building the Large Hadron Collider, designed to go in search of the God particle. And, they have been running 40 million collisions a second, all day for the entire year during the last two years.  And, it looks like they have finally found something that looks like the God particle. Amazing stuff.

    So, what does this all mean?

    First, it is a reflection on this day and age that we have to hold a press conference to cautiously announce that we may have discovered the God particle. There is something indefinably amusing and ironic about this act. That we who have been created by the God particle are not yet sure if our creator exists! This drama appears filled with even more irony when you consider that a large majority of people on this planet are unlikely to even notice this announcement regarding their creator.

    Cartoon on reactions to God particle announcement

    Having said that, the quest for figuring out how it all got started just got a whole lot interesting. We’ve all heard that the universe started from nothingness and exploded into what we know as the universe with a big bang. The one thing that has mystified scientists about this theory is the question, “How and why did matter form after the big bang?” The Higgs boson, if proved, gives them something to stand and build on.

    The day is not too far when CERN scientists will be able to confidently confirm that the God particle does exist. And then will come the question, “Who created the God particle? And where did it come from?”

    Picture, my friend, abhi bakhi hai. Get some popcorn, sit back on the couch, make yourself comfortable and have fun watching! Cheers.

  • An Inconvenient Truth

    There are inconsiderate human beings that occupy this planet in every village, town, city and country. Even so, I wouldn’t be straying far from the truth when I say that we Indians occupy a special place in the pantheon of insensitivity. We are a nation of uncaring, indifferent boors, whose lives are only occasionally punctuated by those (increasingly rare) Satyameva Jayate moments, when we sit down and pretend to care about our fellow citizens.

    The Inconsiderate Indian

    Our indifference manifests in countless exotic ways. It could take the form of spit impelled out of a window of a moving bus or car. It showcases itself in how we drive on the other side of the road, passing those who wait patiently for the light to turn green. Our selfishness blossoms when presented with a long line in front of a small counter with a harassed clerk, and plots clever ways to cut through and get around the indignity of waiting. Mindless road/traffic planners, rude hospital staff, robotically insensitive school principals, gossiping colleagues, uncaring airport staff.. The list goes on. So, it should come as no surprise when our leaders display the same inconsideration that we have so carefully cultivated amongst ourselves. Yet, it surprises us when we hear that our ministers have been pilfering from us, promoting their sons and daughters and circumventing the laws of the land to suit their purposes.

    There is one potentially redeeming aspect of the Inconsiderate Indian, which suggests that this condition might not, in fact, be incorrigible. Our strain of inconsideration largely stems from indifference and mindlessness, and is less insidious than its cousin variety that breeds on malice and ill-will. We’re not a malicious people, by and large. But, we, surely, are dim witted. Mindlessness and indifference are progeny of foolishness. In fact, that may be the best piece of information we have at our disposal. That we are mere fools and not evil monsters like what the chinese system has perpetrated. Of course, the worry remains that our behavior is not really borne of our idiocy and it reflects our true selves. In any case, idiocy, in my book, is a far lesser crime compared to malice and leaves room for hope that we may yet overcome this failing someday.

    Why are we a nation of dimwitted fools?

    Never mind Viswanathan Anand. Never mind that Silicon Valley genius engineer, who invented that clever thing that lets us search the internet. Never mind Homi Bhabha. Never mind J.C. Bose and C. V. Raman. Never mind that ours is the land of Buddha and the Vedas. Never mind the nostalgia from having invented zero. Make no mistake about it. We are a nation of fools. There’s no dearth of evidence or fools, to support this hypothesis, in our otherwise lovely nation.

    So, what’s the solution?

    This is the tricky part. There are two reasons why this is tricky.

    The first part of the trickiness has to do with the possibility that there may exist no solution. There is no magic wand to wave or potion you could force down throats that could rid us of our insufferable mindlessness. I like to think that if there was one, we, in spite of our stupidity, would have found it by now. These sort of things, especially those that involve senselessness, take time to work through. The process of working through stuff is called evolution. Unfortunately, the way evolution seems to be working at the moment, it appears to be favoring the fools. One hopes that this trend will correct itself. If not, we will extinguish ourselves and the problem will solve itself.

    Second, I cannot, in good conscience, issue a clarion call to corrective action to you, my reader. For, it would somehow imply that you, the reader, are part of this clan of fools, a notion which seems at odds with the fact that you are a What Ho! reader. What Ho! readers may be misguided. But, they are erudite. They like the finer things in life like What Ho!. They may be many things. But, they are no fools. I say this with sincerest respect and in the fondest hope of retaining your patronage.

    Seriously, why are we a nation of fools?

    Even a tiny North African country with 10 million people and nothing more than sandy deserts, has found a way to build roads, run hospitals, operate shiny airports and promote civility. I think, the truth is that we, at some fundamental level, seem to revel in our foolishness. We call it jugaad. We call it ‘street smarts’. Our brains work overtime to figure out detours. We are a nation of arrogant, self-centered people which believes that its brand of perverted intelligence is somehow superior because it helps beat the odds. We are a society of fools that celebrates the most ‘jugaadi’ fools. I, for one, take no pride in our jugaad. To me, jugaad is a symptom of how low we have fallen. It is a sign that evolution is favoring the energetic fools amongst us.

    The smart thing is to take the straight roads and drive faster. Somewhere along the line, we have forgotten this inconvenient truth. How about more sense and less jugaad?

  • A Bliss Mantra

    From my notes from 2009. Here below is a “bliss mantra” from the Taitriya Upanishad in the Vedas, along with my interpretation.

    <In Sanskrit>

    Om saha naa vavatu saha nau bhunaktu
    saha viryam kara vaavahai
    tejaswinaa vadhItamastu maa vid vishavahai
    Om shanti shanti shanti-hi

    There are two interpretations. The first is as addressed to a friend or a partner–

    Let us enjoy life together, Let us experience life together
    Let us engage ourselves together and share our energies to meet adversities
    Pray we do not do or say anything that can divide us
    Let there be bliss in our lives

    The second is as addressed to the Universal Spirit (Parabrahman) which resides within all of us –

    Let us be united, let our energies be united in overcoming adversities
    Let our wisdom shine, Let us not be led astray by intellectual conquests
    Let us be together in eternity, Let there be no division between us
    Let there be bliss

    Let there be bliss in your weekend.

  • This beautiful thing called empathy

    Last Sunday, I watched a a fascinating conversation between His Holiness Dalai Lama and a group of scientists, titled “Neuroscience and the emerging mind,”. The dialogue revolved around the questions of “what triggers empathy?” and “can we be trained to be empathetic?”. I spent an hour watching the scientists and the monk in rapt attention. Here’s a gist.

    Empathy is the ability to view the world from another’s perspective. Of all emotions, it’s empathy that makes us human. Some would even say it’s empathy that makes us divine. So how exactly does empathy work from a neurological perspective? Prof. V. Ramachandran at University of California, San Diego explains it nicely. Not a surprise since he’s been researching this topic for over two decades. Here’s my understanding of what he’s found.

    The brain, at its core, is a mushy mass of gooey tissue filled with a massive number of neurons. The cerebral cortex is the largest part of the brain, and contains 10-13 billion neurons. What are neurons? They’re cells that excitable. When they’re excited, they transmit information through electric signals. When you lean forward to pick up a cup, there’s a neuron in your brain that fires and coordinates the motor movement of the arm stretching, fingers clasping the handle and the hand picking it up.

    What made things more intriguing was the discovery of what Prof. Ramachandran calls “mirror neurons”, found in the cortex. Mirror neurons fire when *someone else* performs an action that you’re familiar with. In other words, a mirror neuron fires in my brain when *you* lean forward to pick up a cup. And soon after its firing, my hand signals back to the brain saying “It’s not you picking up the cup. It’s the other person”. All of this happens reflexively in the background. Amazing stuff.

    Mirror neurons are the agents of empathy in the brain. When you see another person being pricked with a pin, you flinch reflexively because of them. Your finger quickly sends a message back saying “safe” and that’s how you realize that it’s not you being pricked. In experiments performed on folks with prosthetic arms, subjects actually experienced pain when watching another person being pricked. That’s because their arms lacked cells to transmit “safe” back to the brain! Suddenly, the question of – can we be “trained” to be empathetic? – doesn’t appear out of bounds!

    All this talk did leave me a tad uncomfortable. It’s as though we’re trespassing noisily into a sanctum where one must tread with respect. The strength of science lies in its irreverence, which keeps it moving forward and from settling in a comfort zone. That just might be its Achilles heel as well. Science seeks to discover so it can manipulate and control. Any quest based on the notion of “how can I control what’s going on”, I believe, will fail ultimately. Action-without-agenda has far higher staying power, resilience and chances of achieving its goals than action-with-agenda. This is what eastern wisdom tells us. And that’s what His Holiness Dalai Lama subtly conveyed to the professors in the room.

    Empathy is a beautiful thing. It holds the key to happiness. Forcing it upon another violates the idea of empathy itself.

    ps: This was a great way to spend an hour on a Sunday morning. Check out the video when you get a chance. cheers.

  • Kapil Sibal to create the “mother of all unified exams”

    Flush from its victory in the recent civic polls, the West Bengal state government, led by the feisty Mamata “Didi” Banerjee, is mulling a complete ban on electricity and bathing. The strongly pro-poor Didi said, “Hey, if something’s not being used by lesser privileged people in society, it ought to be illegal. We looked around in slums and found that people over there don’t have access to electric power and are not in a position to have daily showers. Hence, we’re planning to ban these items.” When queried on the practicality of implementing such a ban, Didi reassured reporters by saying, “Of course, the ban will not be total. We’ll still need electricity to torture cartoonists.”

    In a bid to come out of financial doldrums, Kingfisher Airlines announced that it would convert itself into a social network.  The new entity, which will be called “facepalmbook”, will soon announce an IPO from which it expects to raise tens of billions of dollars. “For the last several months, we’ve delayed and cancelled flights thus causing customers to waste enormous amounts of time at airports. With this new social network, we expect to help them waste time at home, without ever having to visit an airport,” said the flamboyant Vijay Mallya who plans to hand over reins of the new entity to his son, Sid.

    “In this new structure, employees will cease to be employees and instead become our ‘friends’ on facepalmbook. This way, they won’t receive salaries, but can grow as much food as they want on imaginary farms. Plus, we’re going to keep all the cool things about Kingfisher, such as in-flight entertainment, gourmet meals and glamorous stewardesses. We’re dropping only those things that have hurt us over the years, namely customers.”, chipped in Sid helpfully.

    As Syria descended into chaos and UN inspectors foraged for signs of carnage in villages, India’s Sachin Tendulkar called on the Syrian president, Bashar Assad to stand firm and not step down. “I don’t believe you can tell someone when they ought to retire or step down. They should be allowed to leave on their own terms when the time comes”, he asserted. When asked about polls which point to Assad’s plummeting popularity, Tendulkar remarked, “Numbers aren’t everything. As long as Assad continues to be passionate about genocide and vendetta, he ought to keep going.” In response, Kapil Dev called on the entire United Nations organization as well as Syrian rebels to retire immediately.

    In an innovative and radical twist, which promises to generate more controversy, HRD Minister Kapil Sibal has called for combining even larger groups of examinations into one. “First, we combined all other engineering examinations with IIT-JEE. Now, we’ll take this a  major step further by combining this with all other exams such as eye exams, hearing tests, blood tests, driver’s license tests and colonoscopy into one mother of all unified exams (MOAUE). My fond hope for Indians is that any person should be able to take just MOAUE and be able to come out with spectacles, hearing aids, blood group type, driver’s license, a bowel movement patterns report as well as admission to a college at the end of it.”

    The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to

  • The Eleventh Commandment

    I’m asked often by impressionable lads and gals, “What does it take to make it in the big, bad world of business?” In response, I always ask, “Can you handle the truth?” And when they nod hesitantly, I tell them, “A booming voice”. In fact, I call it the eleventh commandment. Here’s some chicken soup for ye impressionable souls out there.

    Anything important has happened only because the people concerned had authoritative voices. When a voice booms, everything it says has a ring of authenticity.  I can only imagine what Moses must have felt, when handed the most important assignment of his career.

    “Here they are, Moses. The Ten Commandments! Aren’t they beauties? ”. The voice of God booms above crashing thunder and quaking ground.

    “The Ten Commandments. Is that what we are calling the product? I take it that you want me to go down and pitch it to the hordes?”

    “Yep, you have to go down there and, as you call it, “pitch” it to the people. Things are getting frisky out there with rampant sodomy and bestiality. It’s time we got the organization under control and put some policies in place. Do this well, and there’s a little upward mobility that I have planned for you. I’m talking prophet-hood. Heck, I’ll throw in a couple of wives if you exceed expectations”

    “That’s an enticing offer, God. But with due respect, I have to point out that our product is flawed. Frankly, I don’t think it can be sold. Don’t get me wrong, chief. The collateral looks good. I mean, your carving on 8” by 5” rock slabs is pure genius. The font type and size are just perfect. But..”

    “But..? I sense a lack of confidence, Moses. What’s bothering you, boy? Let’s talk. Mano et Dioso. Right here, right now”

    “Look, Chief, let’s be honest. We’re competing for attention with golden calves, binge drinking and wantonly dancing women. How about we go with, say five commandments at first, see the uptake and then upgrade them to the next slab?”

    “No deal, Moses. We’ve got to go for the whole enchilada. I’ve got the rule about not coveting the neighbor’s wife coming in at at number 10.  Seeing what’s going on down there, there’s no way I’m delaying that. Let’s bite the bullet and roll this baby out tonight”

    “Hmm, I guess this leaves me with no choice but to put forth my demand. Could you please mute the thunder? I’m having a hard time making myself heard”

    Thunder stops instantly. Gale winds cease. Silence prevails.

    “Yes, my boy, and you were saying?”

    “It’s a tough crowd out there, God. And, I want to put on a good show. I need a favor from you. It’s my voice. I want you to change it. I need it to boom. Like yours. Everything always sounds good when you say it. With a voice like mine, the best I can push is commandment number 8, you know, the one about not stealing. There’s no way I can pull the other ones off. Give me some deep bass tones, God”

    Poof! Moses changes into an old man with white flowing locks, bushy eyebrows, gaunt visage and a baritone that reverberates across the expanse.

    Why God gave Moses the senior citizen package (white hair and gaunt visage) along with “the” Voice is a story for a different day. Anyway, there you go, ladies and gentlemen. The inside scoop on one of the greatest achievements in history. It all comes down to the voice.

    pip pip, and cheerio!

  • Hallmark Cards For India

    I don’t know about you. It’s been ages since I’ve been in the greeting cards section of a store, let alone buy one. So I don’t really have first hand feel any more for what Hallmark sells nowadays. But I’ve read at some time that their business has been losing steam over the years. In these days of internet, mobile phones and digital content, I guess it’s not surprising that e- cards have taken over and their counterparts in the physical world have been relegated to endangered species status. I wonder if this state of affairs has caused a loss of morale over at Hallmark? What ho! Maybe we should help. How about a few Hallmark card ideas for occasions which are uniquely Indian? Perhaps this will boost their sagging enthusiasm?

    “Congratulations ‘cause I have this really good feeling that you’re gonna win the Film Fare Best Actor award at some point in your life”

    Know anyone with the surname Khan? Are you buddies with the son/daughter/nephew of anyone named Kapoor? Look no further. We’ve got what the doctor ordered for you. Send this congratulatory card in advance right away and shamelessly curry favors with your favorite mediocre Bollywood progeny all year long.

    “Here’s wishing you a pesticide-free New Year!”

    Put a twist on the traditionally staid New Year greeting. Here’s a card which you can send to anyone in your social circles who’s prone to imbibing copious volumes of milk, cola, water, mangoes or anything edible for that matter. Since pesticides are ubiquitous, what better way to show that you care than selecting from an extensive pesticide series which includes cards for all occasions? Wish your friends and family pesticide-free Ramzan, Christmas and Diwali and spread goodwill and cheer all year long.

     “Sorry I leaked your doctored CD”

    Are you a member of the household staff of a politician or an industrialist? Have you ever shot secret video using a ill concealed mobile phone and captured your employer’s shenanigans? Did you then doctor and embellish it? Now admit that you leaked the said doctored CD to news channels. Has your employer paid you handsomely to retract your allegations? There you go. We’ve got just the card you’re looking for.

    “Happy birthday to your struggling airlines! Hope your pilots don’t go on strike. Tell Sid I said Hi”

    Perfect for friends, acquaintances and well-wishers to make it large and send to Vijay Mallya.

     “We may have nothing in common. Heck, will you be my coalition partner?”

    There are no permanent friends or enemies in politics. This is truer for Indian politics. Perfect for that day we celebrate the dharma of coalitions. Tailor made for the Valentine’s day of political parties, if there were ever to be one.

    “Wish you were here”

    This simple yet powerful card is perfect for many occasions. Future members of the Indian cricket team will send it to Tendulkar and Dravid. The Speaker of the Lok Sabha could send one daily to Members of Parliament. Students in government schools to absent teachers. Citizens to delinquent police officers. Harangued women to their truant house maids. The list goes on.

    “Hope you get bail soon!”

    Your local MLA get charge sheeted by CBI lately? Wake up one morning to find your MP on TV in handcuffs and being led to the Big House? Despair not. Our “Hope you get bail soon” card lets you demonstrate that perfect balance of concern and optimism.

  • A Living Will

    •  If I should remain in a comatose state for 15 consecutive years, feel free to switch off the TV
    • If I haven’t uttered a single syllable for four straight years, I’d like to be referred to as Mr. Manmohan Singh
    • Assume that in the worst of conditions, I can still hear but would highly prefer not to hear Rakhi Sawant
    • Even if I’m unable to recognize or interact with friends, I’ll still expect birthday messages on my Facebook wall
    • If the doctor declares me brain dead, I’d like to watch House Full 2
    • If my end is particularly dramatic, I’d like to be played by Ravi Shastri in the movie version
    • If I don’t respond to loved ones’ attempts to communicate, remind them of our last road trip
    • I’d like to die at home, surrounded by my laptop, iPad and cell phone
    • In lieu of flowers, I’d prefer tweets
    • If there should be a eulogy, I’d like it to begin with “I suppose, in a way, we all contributed to his end”

  • Let’s Ask Hafiz

    Hafiz Saeed, the leader of Jama’at-ud-Daw’ah, widely considered to be a cover for  Lashkar-e-Toiba, recently answered questions from militants, movie industry, politicians and others in a live web chat. Here below is the transcript of the chat obtained by the What Ho! Report team.

     Dear Haifiz saab,

    Please take a look at my youtube video entitled “Death to India”, in which I declare war on the Indian infidels. I can be seen randomly waving my Kalshnikov rifle while threatening imminent doom to the infidels. Please let me know if this is of interest to you and your organization. I’d like to join your outfit. Kindly advise. By the way, I have my own cave.

    Jobless in Quetta

    Dear Jobless in Quetta,

    Thanks for sharing this with me. You seem to fit the exact IQ profile that we normally look for in our members. We will be in touch with you shortly. In the meanwhile, please do share any other scary videos that you may have posted. We’re running low on randomly weird content at the moment, and anything you can provide in this regard will be useful.

    Dear Saab,

    I’ve recently located here from Karachi. I’ve been hatching a devious plot on my cell phone and worried that Indian intelligence might have overheard me. What should I do?

    Worried in Mumbai

    Dear Worried in Mumbai,

    Ha ha.. That’s a funny question! Let me assure you that you have absolutely nothing to worry about. For your information, the Indian Home Ministry is trying to pass the NCTC bill, after which they will be too busy spying on Chief Ministers. Even if they catch you, you have nothing to worry about. You’ll be treated like a movie star in prison and will most likely get a Presidential pardon. By the time all this plays out, you can expect Gol Maal 7 to have hit the theatres. Rock on, friend.

    Dear Hafiz Saab,

    I’m a member of Jaish-E-Mohammed in good standing. Of late, I’ve been feeling the itch to switch over to LeT. What percentage raise can I expect? Are there any differences in health care benefits?

    Bored in SWAT

    Dear Bored in SWAT,

    I applaud your itchiness. Unfortunately, this is not my department. Please call our operator and ask for HR.

    Dear Hafiz Saeed Saab,

    I did not believe it when they told me that you were conducting a live chat. And then, I came on here and I was like “OMG! It’s really true”.  Here’s a rapid fire question I’m asking celebrities this month. Rank the following actresses in terms of hotness:  Kareena, Katrina or Deepika?

    Karan Johar

    May you burn in hell, Karan Johar.

    Dear Sir,

    I’d like to take a minute to explain our new “cave renovation financing package”. Can I take a few minutes of your time?

    HDFC call center dude

    What the hell? Wait a minute, you’re serious, aren’t you? Go away!

    Dear Mr. Hafiz Saeed Sir,

    It’s a pleasure to be in touch with you. I’ve been thinking about how I can blame terrorism in India on RSS. I would like to discuss this in detail with you and get ideas from you. Can we meet?

    Snoop “Diggy” Digg

    Dear “Diggy”,

    Thanks but no thanks. You are too insane and dangerous, man. I’d prefer to not have anything to do with you. Please don’t get us into trouble by contacting us.

    Greetings and best wishes to you, Sir.

    I’m an aide to the former Nigerian president, Mr. Chumba Chumbabwe. Please wire $20,000 to my account, and I promise in the name of the good Lord that you will receive $200,000 in exactly one month’s time for your most esteemed and kindly services, Sir. Awaiting your most wonderfully positive response.

    Sammy Abasiama, Lagos, Nigeria

    Dear Sammy,

    You must think that I’m a fool. I sent you $20,000 last month and never heard back. There is no way I am sending you any more money.

    Dear Hafiz Sir,

    Any chance you could loan me roughly Rs. 1,000 crore in hard cash right now? I’m in a spot of trouble and need to pay my pilots’s salary this month. I can give you 5% equity in my company.

    King Fisher

    Dear King Fisher,

    Yes, but on one condition. Your calendar will now feature only women covered from head to toe and wearing burkas. Do we have a deal?

    Dear Mr. Hafiz Saeed,

    I’m a huge fan of Dawood Ibrahim. I have a 8×10 photo of him, which I’d like to get autographed by him. Is there any chance you can give me his exact mailing address so I can meet him?

    Mome Hinister

    Dear Mome Hinister,

    Why don’t you contact him directly yourself ? He’s on Facebook.

    The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

  • Istanbul

    Notes from a recent trip to Turkey 

    A world historian in mid 16th century could not have been faulted for confidently predicting the dominance of Asia and Islam in world affairs for times to come. The dominant empires of the world at that time were the Mughal Empire in Hindustan and the Ottoman empire in Middle East Asia and Europe.

    Mohammad Jalal-ud-din Akbar had just firmly established the Mughal empire in Hindustan, having seized Delhi back from Samrat Hemchandra Vikramaditya (Hemu), following it up by annexing Kandahar from the Persians. Shahenshah Akbar-e-Azam was just getting into his stride on the way to becoming the greatest ruler of the Mughal empire.

    At that precise moment in history, the Ottoman empire was at its zenith, led by Kanuni Sultan Suleiman, known in the East as Suleiman “the Law Giver” and in the West as Suleiman “the Magnificent” – with Christian strongholds of Belgrade, Hungary and Rhodes as well as entire Middle East Asia and large swathes of North Africa in its sway. Their Christian rivals – the Hapsburgs in Austria-Hungary – were kept in check if not subjugated. The Holy City of Jerusalem came to fall into the hands of the Empire. And the Shia Safavid dynasty in Persia had just surrendered to the dominance of the Sultan who marched triumphantly into Baghdad.

    Incidentally, around the exact same time, a gentleman by the name of Ivan IV “the Terrible” had not so quietly crowned himself the “Tsar”, laying the seeds for the famous Tsarist empire that grew over time to dominate Russia in the 18th and 19th centuries.

    What heady times it must have been for the historian! Between the Mughal and Ottoman empires, they controlled nearly 1 of 5 people on the planet and produced close to half the world’s GDP. Although Akbar the Great ruled over a greater size of population and was more progressive in his governance, it is Suleiman who understandably captured the attention of the western world at that time. And, Constantinople, overlooking the Bosphorus, was justifiably described the “center of the world”.

    Yet, history has a way of making something big happen every hundred years or so. And so the fortunes swung towards the Europeans in the 17th and the 18th centuries as the British, Spaniards and the Portuguese came to pre-eminence and supplanted the Islamic empires around the world. The crowning achievement of these later centuries, of course, was the systematic establishment and dominance of India as a western colony, which sealed the British empire’s status as the new world power by the time the 19th century rolled around.

    Flash forward to the early 20th century – when a sniper’s bullet felled the Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria in Sarajevo, triggering what came to be known as the Great War or the First World War. The four major empires – the Hapsburgs (from Austria-Hungary), the Ottomans, the Russian Tsarist empire and the British empire – with their historical rivalries in the background, clashed in this major world conflict, one which resulted in a victory for the Allies (England, France, Russia) against the Central Powers (Germany, Austria-Hungary). Ironically, the Ottoman empire chose to throw in its lot on the side of its once bitter rival – Austria-Hungary – and ended up on the losing side.

    Notwithstanding its success in the war, the Tsarist empire in Russia was overthrown in the Bolshevik revolution led by Lenin and comrades. The Austrian-Hungarian empire was whittled down to a shell of its former self. The British empire’s dependence on American military technology was established, which eventually led to the forced withdrawal of England from its colonies by the end of the Second World War by the Americans. The Ottoman empire, already described as the “sick man of Europe” was dismembered and distributed among the Allied Forces after the First World War in a stunning and humiliating reversal for the Turks who had held court in most of Europe and Middle East Asia for a good part of six centuries. Indeed, post Second World War, no less than 39 new countries were formed, which were once part of the Ottoman Empire.

    Thus all four empires perished and were either dismantled or transformed, sooner or later, in the aftermath of the war, thus paving the way for the United States to emerge as the new power in the 20th century.

    It was against this backdrop that a group of rebel ‘nationalists’ led by Mustafa Kemal (who later took the title ‘Ataturk’), a Turkish officer in the Ottoman army, defeated the Allied forces in Anatolia (Central Turkey) with tacit support from the Russian Bolsheviks and forced the signing of the Treaty of Lausanne in 1923, which led the establishment of the Republic of Turkey and the return of Constantinople to Turkey after a brief period of Allied occupation.

    If Rome is the eternal city, Istanbul – as Constantinople was renamed by Kemal Ataturk – has to be the timeless city, having endured centuries of struggle and change. Once the bastion of Christianity in the Byzantine (Eastern Roman) empire, and then the capital of the Islamic Ottoman Turks, Istanbul is now a modern, secular and vibrant metropolis which yearns to be admitted into the European fold, of which it was once the capital city.

  • Who Am I?

    Who am I? That’s a simple question. Yet one without a simple answer.

    I am so many things. And yet, I could be just one thing. I’m not an inanimate thing that’s silent and motionless like a rock or a mountain or an Indian prime minister. That’s for sure. I was once told that I was filled with life. That I’m a living, breathing thing which can throw rocks, climb mountains and joke about Indian prime ministers. And yet, I’m much more.

    I’m a man. I’m a former baby,  a future corpse and an even distant pile of dust and nothingness. I’m an Aquarian born right on the cusp. I’m husband, father, son and brother and more.  In school, I was a “topper”. In college, I was “Room 257” to the hostel security guard.

    At times, I simply am. At other times, I’m about ideas, concepts, theories, logic, thoughts, feelings and emotions. Sometimes I’m all of these at once, unless I’m watching a Bollywood movie when I turn my back on logic and thoughts.

    I’m told that I am what I eat. I try and remember that when I bite my nails.

    Some call me boss. Some call me buddy. I’ve been called “Hey You”, “Get Out of the Way” and “Watch Out”. A few others have called me “Excuse Me” in an annoyed tone of voice, because sometimes I get in the way. I’m sorry for getting in the way. I can’t read minds. And I’m getting out of your way as fast I can.

    I’m the silent majority. I’m the loud minority. I’m a friend. I’m a foe. I’m sorry about being a foe. I really don’t like being a foe.

    I’m not my own worst critic. There are others who’ve done a fine job of it. I’m not my best friend. There are others who’ve done a fine job of it.

    I’m everything and I’m nothing. I’m neither here nor there. Yet, I’m the one who’s on the top row. First one from the left. In my first grade class photo. Yeah. That’s me.

    I’m not the elements. I’m neither earth nor water nor fire. Nor the wind or the ether. I’m not the body or the mind or the senses. Nor any of them put together. I’m above time, cause, effect and reason.

    I am what I am. I am pure consciousness. I am the blissful spirit that alone exists in eternity, when all else is consumed by time. That indeed I am. I am the soul.

    I’m aware that you don’t know me well. I shouldn’t have said any of this. I think I’ll just get out of your way.