The What Ho! Guide to Growing the Indian Economy

Growing the Indian economy at 10-12% year-on-year is not as hard as it is made out to be. All it requires is an understanding of the following factors that influence an economy in any part of the world, especially in India.

1. Belief in Hell. 

You have always believed that the ship of the country’s economy is one where the wheel is firmly in the hands of the Reserve Bank governor. RBI sets interest rates, controls liquidity, tracks the velocity of money, monitors inflation, yadda yadda.. so we have heard. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It is now widely believed that the health of the economy is, in fact, controlled by a handful of corporate and political types who plunder the treasury in plain sight, dole out sickeningly nepotistic favors to kith and kin and have turned this country into their personal Disneyland. What will stop this inexhaustibly long list of inveterate criminals from their next round of plunder and pillage when they decide that more is better?

According to this study done at Harvard, a country’s belief in hell correlates with its economic development. Researchers analyzed forty years of data and came to the conclusion that the more the population believes in a flaming purgatory, the better are its chances of being less corrupt and becoming more economically advanced. It turns out that belief in eternal damnation is the only thing that stops us all from turning into monstrous jerks. It is interesting to note that belief in God does not cut the mustard. It’s belief in Lucifer that is critical to a nation’s prosperity. The threat of being run over by a herd of mad buffaloes or being boiled alive in a vat of horse urine postmortem is what keeps us on the straight and narrow.

2. The Sun

It is well known that sunny days lead to sunny dispositions. No one, ever in the history of mankind, leapt out on the streets on a cold, rainy day with a song on their lips. You don’t do that. Not unless you live in Transylvania and your name is Dracula.

Research again proves time and again that sunny days breed hope and optimism in human hearts. Exactly the kind of optimism and hope required to splurge ten grand on a dress. You know the one that will make you wonder for the rest of your life about that temporary moment of insanity in which the deed was done. Hope and optimism make people spend more. When they spend more, the economy hums contentedly like a bee in springtime.

3. The Moon

For the longest time, waxing and waning of the moon has been connected to many things from psychological disorders to homicidal violence to suicides. We can add one more feather to the lunar cycle cap. Turns out there is more to folklore than what meets the eye. According to a study published in Harvard Business Review, “…in the 15 days surrounding full moon dates, stock market returns are about half what they are in the 15 days around a new moon”. In other words, stocks and werewolves are not made for each other.

4. The Day of the Week

Let’s face it. None of us look forward to the weekly restart of bedlam on Monday mornings. Mondays officially became the worst days of the week in the post Industrial Revolution era of organized work. And, you guessed right, it’s true for the stock market as well. Mondays are the worst days for Dalal Street, and Wednesdays are best. Fridays, as Navjyot Singh Sidhu would say, are like wives. Hard to tell which way they will go.

You heard it here, folks: Devil worship, 40 degrees Celsius, Amavasya and Wednesdays. The secrets to a 12 pct GDP growth.

And, you thought you knew it all. In a world filled with noise and confusion, there is only one source for clarity and precision in thought: What Ho!

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14 thoughts on “The What Ho! Guide to Growing the Indian Economy

  1. Uma Chandra

    quite strange and very humorous. too tempting an article to resist commenting. based on all the four reasons and seasons, india should be super shining, no? btw, i promise to visit laughing gas regularly, if i could get an 'inner circle' karma discount or a "skip purgatory" monopoly type pass, so that they go easy on me in case i'm thrown down under… super funny piece.

    Like

    Reply
    1. what ho!

      India has 3 out  of 4. We need more belief in Hades and fewer secret Swiss accounts. That should do the trick. 

      We're working on group discounts and free passes for LG fans that can be redeemed at the Pearly gates, though at the moment – it appears that a majority of us might be headed the other way 🙂

      Like

      Reply
  2. Uma Chandra

    quite strange and very humorous. too tempting an article to resist commenting. based on all the four reasons and seasons, india should be super shining, no? btw, i promise to visit laughing gas regularly, if i could get an 'inner circle' karma discount or a "skip purgatory" monopoly type pass, so that they go easy on me in case i'm thrown down under… super funny piece.

    Like

    Reply
    1. what ho!

      India has 3 out  of 4. We need more belief in Hades and fewer secret Swiss accounts. That should do the trick. 

      We're working on group discounts and free passes for LG fans that can be redeemed at the Pearly gates, though at the moment – it appears that a majority of us might be headed the other way 🙂

      Like

      Reply
  3. Appa Amma

    It is really amazing and funny.Banyan could call his work Economic Progress instead of Pilgrim's.Dante ,take note.You failed to prescribe  or foresee this connection to purgatory.
    I liked reading this piece very much.Kudos.

    Like

    Reply
  4. Appa Amma

    It is really amazing and funny.Banyan could call his work Economic Progress instead of Pilgrim's.Dante ,take note.You failed to prescribe  or foresee this connection to purgatory.
    I liked reading this piece very much.Kudos.

    Like

    Reply

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