This week, we’re starting a series called “Headline News”, which will contain only headlines, baseless rumors and no  substantial news whatsoever. Hey, if it works for Times of India, it should work for us, right? Let’s break a coconut and off we go.

The king of good times has been grounded for want of money. Kingfisher Airlines, burdened by debt, has been unable to pay salaries to employees, fuel surcharge and landing fees to the government and payments to Airbus. Our sources tell us that Mallya might exit the airlines business, and run for prime minister of Italy. In an obvious money making scheme, Mallya plans to wed Kim Kardashian, who’s expressed keen interest in a joint scam venture. Kingfisher airlines also plans to run in-flight ads for crack cocaine in a bid to raise working capital. Heard on the grapevine – Reliance rumored to be interested in buying Kingfisher and trading Mallya to Mumbai Indians.

In Other News

In a startling development, Facebook hackers turned themselves in,  and returned stolen passwords. Speaking to reporters moments before being led away by FBI agents, they described the passwords as ‘scary and worthless’, and said that they were ‘deeply disturbed’ by the images that they already found on Facebook.  In an unrelated development, the US government has decided to pull the plug on FBI and CIA in a cost cutting measure. A government spokesman explained the decision as “the right one, when other free alternatives such as Facebook are available for spying”.

In other news, scientists have downgraded the Indian government to “an almost inconsequential dwarf” status, which puts it at three notches below Pluto and one notch above a random meteor found at the outer edge of the Milky Way.

Sales of iPhone 4S broke the record held by its predecessor – iPhone 4, which clearly indicates that customers remain blithely unaware that the ‘phone‘ feature is still missing in the product.

Rahul Gandhi sent ripples through the political landscape with his caustic comments on unemployment in Uttar Pradesh, saying that “people from UP are being forced to move to Mumbai and beg for jobs”.  In response, beggars in Mumbai plan to sue him, and Iran’s Ahmadejinad advised Rahul to ‘tone down his rhetoric’. Digvijay Singh has stepped in and offered to coach the crown prince on public speaking. Aise har ek friend zaroori hota hai. Meanwhile, Mayawati has proposed carving UP into four states. The Centre pleaded with her to ‘not do anything stupid’ without consulting them first.

In a fit of desperation, Arvind Kejriwal has threatened to immolate Anna Hazare if the parliament fails to pass Jan Lokpal bill in its winter session. Anna Hazare could not be reached for comment.

RaOne has not quite set the world on fire. Now we know why. Shah Rukh Khan has blamed the RaOne debacle on his TV look-alike, who apparently impersonated him in the movie. In a stunning turnabout, SRK claimed that he “was not even aware that the movie was being made” and he was busy “dancing at wedding receptions in South Delhi” while the movie was being shot.

In a sign of Bollywood’s growing international clout, North Korea claimed to have possession of all Ranbir Kapoor films, and has threatened to destabilize the world by releasing them. Responding to the threat, SM Krishna assured the Indian public that the world “is ending in 2012 anyway” and there was no cause for alarm.

Sports

The swashbuckling southpaw, Yuvraj Singh, has been dropped from Indian team for the third test against the West Indies. In a bid to come back, the grumpy left hander has checked himself into an anger replenishment program, and vowed to recover his missing rage and disregard for team spirit. Earlier in the week, India beat the West Indies by an innings and $10 million in the second test. BCCI topped the Caribbean cricket board bid of $9mill. to ensure the win for the Men in Blue.

In what only he believed to be a sensational claim, Vinod Kambli said that the 1996 World Cup semis was fixed. In response, all the guys who fixed that match denied it, and millions of Indians yawned and went back to sleep. Kambli also speculated that KJo might be gay, and wondered if there may be neither Santa Claus nor tooth fairy. He broke down and sobbed when reporters confirmed his speculations.

Disillusioned by winning the test series against Sri Lanka, the entire Pakistan cricket team has announced its retirement from cricket, and now plans to concentrate on full time careers as match fixers and bookies. The captain, Misbah, said “It’s stressful to win matches when you are not expected to do so. It’s taking a toll on our wallets”