satire

How To Tell If You’re Involved in Spot Fixing

May 18, 2013 in WHAT HO! REPORTS

IPL Spot Fixing Scandal

Spot fixing antics of Sreesanth et al  have quickly escalated into a national media circus (no surprise there). The affair has led to mysterious whispers of “more heads will roll” and “there is much more to come,” and apparently causing widespread panic among the citizens of this great nation. As Mr. Ramakrishna Iyer, avid cricket fan, Hindu newspaper reader and senior citizen from Chennai bemoaned, “It’s hard to fathom how deep this thing goes. It looks like about 30 to 40 percent of the country might be involved. So I voluntarily called Delhi Police to check if they think I might have been involved without my knowing. I am now seriously worried because they have refused to rule out my role in this matter. I am at my wits end. I plan to shoot off a barrage of letters to the editor of the Hindu. What else can I do?”

Responding to this surge of anxiety among cricket lovers around the country, What Ho! has issued a booklet in public interest, which can help an average citizen figure out if she may be involved in spot fixing. While answers to questions such as ‘Are you a bookie?’ or ‘Is your name Sreesanth?’ might easily confirm culpability in spot fixing, the following additional questions might help general members of public ascertain the extent of their involvement.

Hint: The more ‘Y’s you come up, the more likely are your chances of a hot date with the Delhi Police.

  1. Have you ever met Dawood Ibrahim and/or have exchanged emails with him on who might win IPL this year?
  2. Do you send hundreds of whatsapp messages to bookies?
  3. Have you appeared on national TV any time in the past 12 months and made unnecessary and wild statements about being slapped by a disgruntled off spinner who was once called for chucking?
  4. Have you ever done anything to upset BCCI or Mr. N. Srinivasan at any point in your petty little life?
  5. Are you an unknown fast bowler with an inadequate bank balance, tremendous love for the game and passionate about bowling no balls off the last ball of a match?
  6. Do you use the phrase, “I trusted him like a brother. See what he did to me?” often?
  7. Do you spend a lot of time watching IPL matches while suspecting that match fixing may be rampant?

In other news

Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde lauded the efforts of Delhi Police saying, “We believe that nabbing Sreesanth and his sorry cohorts is a critical first step towards the eventual capture and trial of Hafeez Saeed.” In the meanwhile, D-company based out of Dubai issued a warning to investors that they will likely miss earnings estimates this IPL season. A spokesperson commented tersely, “With Sreesanth’s arrest, the cost of buying IPL players has gone through the roof. It’s unlikely we’ll meet street expectations this season.”

On May 22, 2013, the UPA plans to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Mr. Manmohan Singh pretending to be the Prime Minister of the country. To mark the date, Mr. Singh has vowed to launch a full blown inquiry, led by a Special Investigation Team, aimed at finding out who’s running the government that he is supposed to be in charge of.

The What Ho! Report brings you headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Tagged as: humor, india, satire, what ho reports

What if I became the Prime Minister?

March 15, 2013 in LAUGHING GAS

Here’s what I will do.

  1. Day 1 morning: I will conduct my swearing-in ceremony at 9am on a Monday over video conference from my desk in the office, while finalizing a proposal to completely eliminate paper money in five years. The bill will be taken to Lok Sabha by 11am. It will be passed within 15 minutes because every MP who votes for it will be “creatively rewarded” for doing so. Rajya Sabha MPs will be arrested if they don’t vote for the proposal.  Eliminating paper money will effectively eliminate bribes, kickbacks and theft of public money. Now that I’ve solved the problem of corruption in the first 2 hours of assuming office, I will now don my bullet proof vest and move onto other matters.
  2. Day 1 post lunch: Unknown to everyone, I will have sneaked in fine print in the aforementioned proposal which will impose a mandatory 1-term limit on every elected official in the country. This term limit will stay in effect for 50 years. In other words, no one will be allowed to return to any elected position irrespective of whether they have done a good or a bad job. I will thus have stripped the incentive for crooks, thugs, criminals, perverts, cheats and liars to become career politicians and increase their influence. Instead, this will lead to ordinary citizens stepping forward to represent the people by donating 5 years from their careers. They will hopefully make decisions in the best interests of the country. I will announce this in a nationally televised press conference, during which I will release my  own post-dated resignation letter with a legally binding commitment to not contest elections at the end of my tenure.
  3. Day 2: I presume that today will be Bharat Bandh, supported by all political parties including my own, who will all be deeply unhappy with me. I will smile wistfully as I prepare for a direct televised address to the people of India. In the address, I will inform citizens that rules of voting have been changed as follows:
    1. If a citizen is qualified to vote and is found to be not registered to vote, a fine of Rs. 10,000 per unregistered voter will be collected from the winning candidate in that constituency.
    2. If a citizen is qualified to vote and is registered to vote but has not voted, that citizen will be arrested if they use Facebook to bitch about me.
    3. Citizens will be asked to pick their top three voting issues. They will be given an exam for 100 marks on these issues. Votes will be assigned weighting based on marks in the test. For example, if a voter obtains 75 on 100, his vote will be assigned a 75% (=75/100) weight when counting. Voters will be assigned ranks based on their marks and they will vote in the order of the rank received. Voters obtaining 100% will be unconditionally granted the Bharat Ratna and allowed to treat the State Raj Bhavan as their personal guest house.
    4. I expect Kota and Hyderabad coaching centers to be set up by enterprising entrepreneurs to help citizens crack the voters exam and improve their ranks. Once these centers become successful, I will nationalize them.
  4. Day 3: It’s likely that the country has descended into shock and chaos by this point, and Arnab Goswami has been taken to the hospital after suffering a heart attack. I will take the day off to golf. This will give everyone time to ponder options about how they can get rid of me.
  5. Day 4, morning: I expect to have the login credentials with passwords for all Swiss accounts held by Indian citizens, from the team of four B. Tech. computer science students from IIT Madras whom I have hired for this purpose. The five of us will spend the morning sipping hot cups of coffee and silently transferring money from all the accounts into the government treasury. I expect to net $1.2 trillion dollars or higher. I will publish the final audited figures here on What Ho!. Each citizen will be mailed a check for $1000 equivalent in Indian rupees along with a box of Swiss chocolates within 14 days, through registered post, acknowledgement due.
  6. Day 4, Post lunch: I will announce a bill that will provide the constitutional rights to every citizen to 1. Drive on the wrong side of the road 2. Never have to stand in queues 3. Receive refund with interest to every Ram Gopal  Verma movie he may have seen in his life. I will also announce the appointment of superstar Rajnikant as the only minister in my Cabinet. He will hold approximately 64 portfolios at any point in time, and will be assisted by fresh IIM grads. I expect these measures to create an unstoppable wave of popularity that will overwhelm and remove all ill-will I may have created on Day 2.
  7. Day 5: I will conduct a triumphant Rath Yatra in four major cities during which I expect to be mobbed like Justin Bieber by school children. Songs from Dabangg 1 & 2 will be played at full blast wherever I go.
  8. Day 6: On this day, I will move with the purposefulness of a lion and the speed of a cheetah.
  9. Day 6, 11am: A call center with approximately 100,000 employees will be in place, made possible with the help of Airtel. These call center employees will call every elected official in the country to get status updates on projects. For example, “Have you fixed those three potholes on 2nd main 4th cross Koramangala?” will be repeated every 2 hours with the local councilor until the job is completed. A fine of Rs. 1 lakh will be levied on any official who does not answer the call.
  10. Day 6, 1pm:  I will now grandly announce that we have nabbed Hafiz Saeed and Dawood Ibrahim through “Operation LeT Them Come To Us.” This operation will involve luring the duo to Mumbai on the promise of a Hindustan Times Leadership Summit keynote speech and a personal, warm interview with Barkha Dutt on NDTV.
  11. Day 6, 4pm: I will attend a special screening of Viswaroopam 2 only because both Kamal Hassan and Rajnikant invited me to join them, and that’s the way I roll.
  12. Day 6, 9pm: I will pour myself a stiff one, lean back on the sofa and watch the 1983 Prudential World Cup finals through the night in loop.

Day 7  onwards: Now that I have accomplished every goal I had set out to, I will spend the rest of my term solving the following more complex and intriguing problems, which pose a clear and present danger to the country’s well being:

  1. Can we get a minimum of 3 fast bowlers who can bowl at 140kmph+ into the Indian cricket team?
  2. Can we somehow ensure that neither Laloo Prasad nor ND Tiwari produce any more progeny?
  3. Nitin Gadkari & Khaki shorts: Can this be made to NEVER EVER happen again?
  4. Can we constitutionally levy super-taxes on any person who spouts uninformed opinions on Twitter?
  5. Can we work with the scientists at CERN to investigate Rahul Gandhi to identify specific skills, if any, that he may possess. These CERN guys found the God particle. This should give them an even bigger puzzle to solve.

Jai Ho. God bless India.

Tagged as: humor, india, politics, satire

2012 – A Year in Review

December 31, 2012 in LAUGHING GAS

2012 A Year in Review

It was the sort of a year in Indian politics which raised an important question, “Which of these guys do I dislike the least?”

It was the kind of year that made me add ‘having a functional government’ to my bucket list. It was a year in which our phones got way smarter than our ministers. There was nothing to fear but fear itself.. and Mamata Banerjee. Offensive religious films were made. Riots broke out in the Middle East. India was a shining example to all those countries. We watched Ra One and didn’t lose our cool.

In 2012, the history of India was written in Comic Sans font. Usually, it’s countries which have parliaments. The only parliament which had a country was the Lok Sabha. Each Parliament session cost as much and lasted as long as a Kardashian marriage.

It was a year we watched TV and read newspapers to find out what we already knew to be not true. Most people spent more time on their Facebook status updates than our government spent on planning our future. Activists did the job of the media. The media did party work. Parties worked for corporations. In short, it was business as usual. No one did what they were supposed to.

“Politicizing armed forces. Investigating CAG. Not debating bills in Parliament. Undermining of institutions. Ignoring citizen protests and anger. Well played, UPA.”

It was also nice to know that no matter how bad things got in our country, Mayawati and Mamata were always on hand to make them worse. It was heartening to see Didi building bridges in 2012, to the 14th century. The Chinese must have looked at us and wondered what kind of a country they plan to get into a skirmish with, in the future.

Our democracy is an amazing thing. Where else do you to get to choose people who watch while you get tear gassed and lathi charged? If the government wants to gain the people’s confidence, then deploying 10,000 policemen at India Gate is not the way to go about it.

“Dec 29, 2012. Black Saturday. God bless your soul, Brave Heart. I hope we never forget you.”

2012 – A year in review

The year got off to a bright start for Suresh Kalmadi, who walked out of Tihar with a smile on his face. The next morning, citizens of Greece rioted when they discovered that their country was, in fact, owned by Kalmadi.

The nation’s largest state elected its chief minister in 2012. If Uttar Pradesh were to be an independent country, it would be the sixth largest in the world. Even bigger than Pakistan. In an electoral game of truth or dare, the Congress party, led by Rahul Gandhi, sadly continued to pick ‘dare.’ Mulayam’s winning formula was pretty simple and straightforward: 1. Announce the list of candidates. 2. Release them all from jail.

Speaking of elections, we had one in Gujarat too. Where Congress left no stone unturned in its bid to lose by sending in Rahul Gandhi to campaign. Narendra Modi completed a historic hat trick in 2012. It was obvious that, for right or wrong reasons, NaMo did well with one important demographic: voters.

Rahul Gandhi, the artist formerly known as Crown Prince.

There are many unemployed 40+ year old men in the country. One of them was tipped to become the Prime Minister in 2012. This prediction fell through, to the dismay of Rahul Gandhi’s supporters, most of whom are stand-up comedians. Polls showed that Indians had mixed feelings about Rahul Gandhi becoming PM. 40% were uncomfortable with the idea. 60% hated it. To be fair, Rahul did pick up some momentum during the year, which tends to happen when you’re rolling downhill.

Manmohan Singh, a man who thought twice before saying nothing.

Speaking of downhill, the economy went south, dragged down by global woes. As things went from bad to worse, Manmohan Singh’s silence reached a deafening crescendo.

It turned out that Manmohan Singh’s fiercest ideological opponent in 2012 was himself from 1991. They say that silence is golden. In which case, we discovered that we had a 24 carat Prime Minister. TIME magazine described the beleaguered Prime Minister as an “underachiever,” leading to his cabinet being described as a bunch of “under-the-table achievers.” The lone bright spot for Manmohan came from Pak’s Zardari, who backed Manmohan saying “Just because someone hasn’t won an election, that doesn’t mean he can’t run the country.”

In August 2012, Manmohan Singh stunned the nation by speaking on TV and asking for reforms support. He also promised to find out who was running the government that he was in charge of.

Word of the Year: “To Manmohan” which means “To silently ignore what’s going on” Example: “I think I’ll manmohan this month’s credit card bill”

Does BJP exist? Or is it a figment of our imagination?

BJP displayed a disconcerting tendency to surface as the main Opposition party at inopportune times. The problem with Congress is that they think that we the people are fools. The problem with BJP is that they haven’t yet realized it’s true. BJP went all out in Karnataka to prove that electoral losses in 2004 and 2009 were no flukes.

And then there was Nitin Gadkari, who conclusively proved that he was not the right leader for BJP. By leader we mean, of course, a fellow who didn’t know how to cover his tracks. Congress tried to portray Nitin Gadkari as corrupt. BJP hit back by portraying Rahul Gandhi as Rahul Gandhi. Poor chap,  Gadkari was embroiled in scandals involving shell companies, drivers, cooks and other household help, and never really recovered from the blow of getting Sharad Pawar’s backing. Walking around in khaki shorts didn’t help his cause either. There was, however, some good news for BJP. Their leadership situation was so messed up through the year, that the media had no idea who to smear.

Bal Thackeray and Shiv Sena

There are some who arouse emotions when they live. Some when they die. It’s a select few who can do both. Bal Thackeray called a spade a spade while he lived. Sadly, he didn’t give the rest of us that privilege. Rumor has it that the battle for Shiv Sena’s top job has narrowed down to two candidates – Mike Tyson and Hulk Hogan.

The most important bill of 2012

The FDI in retail debate was complex. Thankfully there was one easy way to find the right thing to do: First, ask Communists, SP & BSP what to do. Then, do the exact opposite. Mercifully, the most important bill of 2012 was passed in the Parliament, freeing up the Government to focus on more important things like arresting teenagers over Facebook posts.

The man who really ran the country

2012 showed that it’s always a good idea to have Mukesh Ambani on your side. Unless, of course, if you’re in a boat. Rumor had it that the older Ambani brother had Congress in his front pocket, BJP in the back pocket and CNN-IBN in the shirt pocket. Which begged the question: Where the heck does he keep the cellphone?

Operation Re-election

Ajmal Kasab, the terrorist, was hanged in a secretive operation. When it played out in the US, President Obama authorized the operation to take out Bin Laden. The way it played out in our country, our PM was given the go ahead to watch TV and find out about the hanging. To make up for not letting him know about Kasab’s hanging, Sushil Kumar Shinde apparently gave ball-by-ball updates of the India-England cricket series to Manmohan.

“To those who’ve given their lives and risk them daily so the country can be safer: Our gratitude and respect.”

2012 sucked according to Dhoni

We got progressively worse at cricket with each passing day through the year. Right now, it feels like it’s the middle of next year.

Australia – on the road: Lost 4-0.

England – on the road: Lost 4-0.

England – at home: Lost 2-1.

We can’t win on the road. We can’t win at home. Hard pressed to think of another place to play. Evidently, rumors of a massive rift in the team are true. Between the bat and the pad. Say what you will about our cricket team, but let’s not deny that they displayed a remarkable drive for results and a keen sense of urgency. A review of 2012 cannot pass by without a salute to young Rohit Sharma, a modern day Gandhian, who does not believe in hitting even a run. All in all, 2012 resembled a bad day in Bosnia for MS Dhoni.

The Little Master

Age finally seemed to catch up with Sachin. He wasn’t half the boy he used to be. You win some. You lose some. And then, there was this little known third category when Sachin got his 100th ton and we lost the match. To Bangladesh. And then, Sachin bowed out from ODIs.

Olympics

2012 was the year of London Olympics. It was quite amazing to see that when they were not building iPads, Chinese kids were winning gold medals in Olympics. He was described as “too tall” to win sprints. Yet Usain Bolt 2-peated 100m & 200m golds. Well done, Mary Kom! Well done Saina! It was great to see that we were winning medals in shooting and boxing. I’m sure we all somehow felt safer knowing that. Then the Olympics ended. Tourists went home. And the Chinese women gymnasts returned to kindergarten.

Bollywood in 2012

Agent Vinod went on a mission across seven countries in search of the movie’s plot. If you haven’t yet experienced failure, it just means you haven’t tried hard enough, to understand why a movie named Khiladi 786 had to be made. Ra One took home the ‘Special Effects’ award. It also handily beat swine flu to top the list of the “things I’d like to avoid.” Inside every one of us is an incurable romantic self, which is assaulted by a Karan Johar movie every year. 2012 was no exception.

Men are from Mars and women from Venus. And Karan Johar is from, err.. Bandra?

Saif Ali Khan entered the holy state of matrimony, which he described as ‘that sacred bond’ between a man and his two wives. Man proposed. God disposed. And Katrina Kaif, err, exposed. And bless your soul, Yash Chopra, the man who romanced romance itself.

Other news makers of 2012

God was kind to comedians and satirists in 2012. He may have taken SM Krishna and Ambika Soni away from the Cabinet. By golly, he gave us Manish Tewari, the guy who put the ‘mini’ in minister by becoming Information & Broadcasting minister. To be fair, Tewari did well at Broadcasting. It’s the Information part he struggled with. To a world filled with noise and chaos, Ram Jethmalani added more noise and chaos. Ponty Chadha and bro successfully completed a mission to prove Charles Darwin wrong. And Shashi Tharoor re-affirmed the priceless bond that exists between a man, his wife and her Rs. 50 crores.

DLF borrowed at 12% and lent at 0% to Robert Vadra. How generous. These guys were the Piyush Chawla of the real estate business.  Robert Vadra and Arvind Kejriwal made a great team in 2012. The former couldn’t answer basic questions. And the latter had two answers to every question. Coal Gate put a new spin on ‘Coal’ition dharma. Amidst the distraction around scams that unfolded through the year, A. Raja quietly slipped out and sold a bunch of 4G licenses on eBay.

Justice Katju was probably right when he said 90 percent of Indians are idiots. It’s just that the other 10 percent haven’t yet subscribed to the Times of India. Everyone has the right to make a fool of himself. Beni Prasad, SM Krishna and Digivijay Singh got full points for exercising their rights to the fullest in 2012. Through the year, SM Krishna resembled a guy at the mall confused by automatic doors. Beni Prasad Verma proclaimed that he was “happy with inflation.” You see, anyone can come up with a coherent sentence. But only Beni Prasad can take us to an entirely new dimension. Some day when aliens try to figure out why our society disappeared, hopefully remnants from Digvijay Singh’s skull will provide some clues.

In other news

Gold prices skyrocketed. And Bappi Lahiri was rumored to have been sold on eBay to clear the national deficit. Dinesh Trivedi, erstwhile Railway Minister, proposed bullet trains. Well, he got the first half of his wish.

Hamid Ansari held onto his title as the invisible man. Pratibha Patil’s tenure as President came to an end. Her 2-step exit strategy from office: 1. Transfer all frequent flyer miles to personal acct 2. Start new cooperative bank.

Vijay Mallya owns a building in Bangalore which has 21 stories. It turned that not one of them was the truth. Kingfisher Airlines, one of India’s best, was grounded in 2012. An unfortunate upshot of this is that the Kingfisher calendar will now feature Air India staff.

There were 2 Indian contributions to business lexicon in 2012.

A “Vadra” – when 50L becomes 500Cr in a short period of time.  And the exact opposite called a “Kingfisher.” Which led to Newton’s third law of business, “For each and every Vadra, there must be an equal and opposite Kingfisher.”

Newton’s 4th law of IRCTC: A car starting from City A will reach City B in less time than it takes to book a ticket between cities A & B on IRCTC.

Around the world

4 more years of Obama. Love ‘em or hate ‘em. You’ve got to admit that the Americans showed spunk in re-electing an African American to the White House.

Mo Yan, a Chinese writer, took home the Nobel Prize for Literature. Out of sheer force of habit, the Chinese government arrested him on hearing the news. Truth be told, it was refreshing to hear that a Chinese guy wrote a book instead of xeroxing it.

So much blood was spilled in Gaza. It was bloody madness. When we spend our whole existences honing skills for war, why would we seek peace? The cycle goes go on. Ireland persisted with the delusion that they knew exactly what an invisible God would have wanted.

Xi Jinping did a great job with Beijing Olympics, and became Chinese President. Kalmadi did an awesome job with Commonwealth Games and went to Tihar jail.

A gunman killed 20 schoolchildren in Newtown, Connecticut.

As we head into 2013..

Public confidence in the government has hit rock bottom. In fact, the only thing government seems to be above is the law. The nation is in bad shape as we head into 2013. All these parties may talk about forming fronts, but they really want to show us their backs. Yet, in tough times, we must unite behind one leader. Until we find that leader, I guess we should support Arnab Goswami.

“Friends, Romans and countrymen, please stop looting the country. Especially you Romans.”

Happy New Year. Have an awesome 2013!

The What Ho! 2012 Year in Review was assembled using my tweets during the year. Keep track of the events of 2013 by following me on Twitter at

Tagged as: humor, india, OnlyInIndia, politics, satire

Congress accuses BJP of misleading people. Claims it’s “our job.”

December 12, 2012 in WHAT HO! REPORTS

kapil sibal, abhishek manu singhvi, digvijaya singh

The Congress party today accused the main opposition party, Bharatiya Janata Party, of misleading the people of India on the FDI-in-retail issue, which, according to their spokesperson, Abhishek Manu Singhvi, has “traditionally been the job of the Congress party.” Mr. Singhvi was accompanied by Congress stalwarts such as Mr. Digvijaya Singh and Mr. Kapil Sibal at a press conference where he lashed out at BJP for “their campaign of deceit, and unprincipled opposition to the government’s proposal to invite foreign investment in retail.”

“We’re shocked that the BJP is playing our game and trying to beat us at it. Let me make this very clear. We are second to none when it comes to spreading half-truths and misleading people. We refuse to be cowed down by BJP’s tactics. If they think that they can outdo us in mudslinging and slander, they’ve got another thing coming,” thundered Mr. Singh.

“If BJP party members truly believe that non-stop lying is the way to go, then they should seriously consider joining the Congress,” chipped in Mr. Singhvi for good effect.

Mr. Sibal opined that the debate over the FDI in retail in Parliament was unnecessary. “There was no need to debate this.  If we pass the bill, then the government will be able to spend time on more important things like arresting people over Facebook posts. The debate in Parliament has been disappointing. Considering that Ms. Sushma Swaraj is the leader of Opposition, I thought that there would be more dancing involved,” he added.

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

In other tweets:

Tagged as: humor, india, politics, satire

Mukesh Ambani announces plans to openly buy the government

November 4, 2012 in WHAT HO! REPORTS

Mukesh Ambani

MUMBAI – Mukesh Ambani, Chairman and CEO of Reliance Industries, confirmed rumors today that he plans to purchase the UPA government and rights to all governments that will be elected in the future in India.

“I know that the people of India are impatient with the government and don’t trust political parties,” said Mr. Ambani, “and for good reason. The root cause for this malaise is that the government has not been accountable to anyone. Which is why I’ve decided to buy the government out and make it answerable to me.”

Mr. Ambani has hired Goldman Sachs to complete due diligence on the acquisition, and expects their report to be completed by end of 2012.

“We’re pleased to be appointed lead advisors on this critical project. Our bankers provide mergers and acquisitions advice and services to our clients on some of their most complex strategic decisions and transactions. We’re especially very familiar with the process of acquiring governments, having most recently bought out the US government in the aftermath of the great financial crisis of 2007-08,” said Mr. Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs at a press conference in New York city earlier today.

“My vision for India is simple and straightforward. It’s to ensure that all people will have free and unfettered access to buying shares of Reliance Industries Ltd. Some day in the future when I retire, I’d like to hand over a couple of governments to my son so he can live comfortably,” added Mr. Ambani.

Responding to questions on possible changes in governance, Mr. Ambani explained, “For starters, the capital of the country will be immediately shifted to Antilla in Mumbai. I plan to privatize Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha and bring in corporate investment. All current members will be forced into voluntary retirement. In future, 49% of the seats will go to the highest bidders. I plan to retain 51% ownership of the Houses. People will no longer to need to vote. If they wish to have voting rights, they can become RIL share holders. Once I complete the acquisition of the Central Government and the Houses, I plan to complete acquisitions of all state governments as soon as possible, so we can have harmonious Centre-State relationships.”

In a rare display of emotion and candor, Mr. Ambani added wistfully, “You have to understand my real reasons for doing this. So far, I’ve been forced to carry all these chaps around, hidden in my pockets. In fact, my pockets are so full that I don’t have place to keep even my cell phone or the house keys. Is this any way to live? Enough is enough. Instead of being all secretive, it’s more convenient to be open and buy at discounted prices.”

Shares of RIL finished up 1,000 pct in after-market trading on news of the announcement.

Tweets from the week gone by

Tagged as: politics, satire

Congress promises “unbelievable chaos” in Gujarat if elected

October 16, 2012 in WHAT HO! REPORTS

Sonia Gandhi at election rally in Gujarat

In the run up leading to state elections in Gujarat, Congress President Mrs. Sonia Gandhi has pledged to cause an “unbelievable amount of chaos and mayhem” in the state if elected. “For the last eight years, the state has enjoyed a incredibly high rate of economic growth under this monster named Narendra Modi. It’s about time someone put an end to this. Gujarat is a horrid state for having elected Modi to back-to-back terms. And, Gujaratis are horrid people for voting for Modi, in spite of what happened in 2002. We unequivocally promise to punish the people of Gujarat and teach them a lesson that they will never forget, if elected,” she added.

Former BJP leader Keshubhai Patel, who was also present at the rally cited his miserable experiences during his childhood while growing up in Gujarat and vowed to exact “maximum possible revenge” on the state. “Gujarat is a horrible, horrible state. Its citizens are horrible. I despise them with all my heart,” he added.

Flagging off a campaign to be fueled solely by anger and vitriol against NaMO, Mrs. Gandhi also pledged to open more prisons, close more schools, legalize corruption, siphon NGO funds, ban Google hangouts and all forms of free speech, and repeal Prohibition within 12 months of taking office. “By the way, we will be spending liberal amounts of cash towards buying votes,” added a party spokesperson.

“A slow cancerous death is what the economy of Gujarat deserves. We will give these scumbags a taste of the dystopian hell that the rest of the country has enjoyed under the UPA regime over the last three years,” added Mr. Digvijay Singh, a senior leader and spokesperson of the Congress party.

The vigor of the Congress campaign does not seem to have had an impact as early polls show BJP leading by a commanding margin, as voters’ disdain for the plainspoken opinion of the Congress party describing them as guttersnipes and mango men only added to the soaring popularity of Modi.

A Congress party spokesperson responded defiantly, “This only confirms our low opinion of the state. More booze translates into more liver failures. If elected, we will ensure that all these maniacs who voted for Modi in the last two elections have endless supply of alcohol so they can all kill themselves. Make no mistake about it. We will screw this state up, if given half a chance.”

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

A tweet from the week  gone by from @waatho

Tagged as: politics, satire

Vadra confident after PwC clean chit. Frustrated Kejriwal joins Hare Krishna movement.

October 12, 2012 in WHAT HO! REPORTS

Robert Vadra

NEW DELHI (The What Ho! Report): In what insiders are hailing as a sign that the party faithful is rallying around Robert Vadra in the wake of allegations of impropriety around his dealings with DLF, an informal survey of Congress party leaders conducted earlier in the week showed that a majority of them agreed with the statement, “I guess I have to support Robert Vadra.” When asked why they were supporting Mr. Vadra, a majority of those polled “strongly agreed” with the following statement, “Why do you think I support Robert Vadra? Do you think I’m a moron? Stop asking stupid questions. I don’t need this crap.”

Underscoring his rising confidence from this show of support, Mr. Vadra issued a memo to the party faithful yesterday entitled, “You morons have no other options. Deal with it, losers.” After updating his Facebook status which described supporters of Arvind Kejriwal as “mango men”, Mr. Vadra was exultant, telling supporters in New Delhi, “I love India. I love this banana republic. I’m the only son-in-law of its owner.”

In a related development, Law Minister Mr. Salman Kurshid, offered Mr. Vadra his full support during an appearance on the CNN-IBN show aptly titled “The Devil’s Advocate” saying, “Yeah, I guess I do support him. Well, because, well, duh! I have absolutely no other choice. Right? I mean, really, Karan, I’m begging you, man, please tell me that I have no other choice.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Vadra had his uncanny mother-in-law, the Italian-born Mrs. Sonia Gandhi, to thank for her brilliant move in hiring the global accounting giant, PriceWaterhouseCoopers (PwC) and its Indian partner, T. Srinivas, to conduct a “full and fair independent audit” of all of the questionable transactions alluded to by Mr Kejriwal. Mr. T Srinivas of PWC, as What Ho! readers might recall, was Satyam’s independent auditor before its “unforeseeable” financial collapse. He has since substantially reduced his professional commitments due to incarceration in a Hyderabad penitentiary.

Upon being engaged, Mr. Srinivas acted with his much vaunted speed by reviewing and certifying all of the questionable transactions in less than 4 hours, and was heard to  remark,  “that Kejriwal fella must be smoking crack. These (deals) look as clear as daylight to me.” When questioned about the undue haste with which the audit was completed, Mr. Srinivas summarily refuted all allegations of bias by stating “in this business, all I have ever needed is a rubber stamp and a working ballpoint pen.”

These extraordinary developments have taken their toll on Mr Vadra’s tormentor, Mr Kejriwal, who announced earlier this morning that he was immediately quitting Indian politics and joining the International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKCON) better known as the Hare Krishna movement. In a cryptic statement, Mr. Kejriwal said “I thought I could make a difference to Indian politics. But, I’m now not sure if even Lord Krishna can.”

In Other News

In a widely derided move, the Nobel Peace Prize committee has awarded this year’s prize to the European Union for “maintaining peace and democracy in post World War 2 Europe.”  Based on this development, Goldman Sachs is now rumored to be the front runner for the Nobel Prize for Economics.

A Chinese writer, who writes under the pseudonym “Mo Yan,” has been awarded the Nobel prize for Literature. Experts around the world are hailing the fact that “it is refreshing to see Chinese guys write books, rather than just xeroxing them.” Out of sheer force of habit, the Chinese government ordered the arrest of Mr. Mo Yan earlier today.

It is rumored that, amid all the distraction created by the Vadra-DLF allegations of fraud, the former Telecom Minister Mr. A. Raja quietly slipped out of surveillance and has sold several 4G licenses on eBay.

With substantial contributions this week from Spring, our roving reporter in Australia. 

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

A selection of tweets from @waatho in the week gone by:

Tagged as: politics, satire

BJP claims that they are marginally less hated than Congress

October 3, 2012 in WHAT HO! REPORTS

Nitin Gadkari at a rally

Earlier this week, BJP claimed moral victory on the grounds that they are marginally less hated than the Congress party. An exuberant party President, Nitin Gadkari triumphantly proclaimed to supporters at a rally, “I stand before you as the leader of the party that people hate slightly less than the Congress.” Gadkari also said that the BJP hoped to ride this momentum of being marginally less despised than Congress all the way to the elections in 2014.

“We realize how tough a choice it is for the Indian people to decide the least despicable party. The people are looking for  the lesser of two evils,” he proclaimed, “and, by God, we are lesser.”

But the Congress camp has not thrown in the towel yet. Manish Tewari, Congress party spokesperson, shot back defiantly saying, “In states like Maharashtra, Rajasthan and Assam, we believe that people are quite clear about the fact that they can’t stand BJP more than they detest us. That’s what I call a recipe for success.”

When pressed for comments by reporters, Rahul Gandhi, the ‘crown prince’ of the Congress party, said, “I’m sure that the people of India will remember that it was my historic lowering of the bar that has made all of this talk even possible.”

Response to Arvind Kejriwal’s announcement of a new party and its manifesto which includes anti-corruption and people-friendly policies, has been uniformly negative across all political quarters. Mulayam Singh Yadav, leader of Samajwadi Party, laughed uncontrollably as he commented, “This Arvind is new to politics, you see. Mark my words. His misguided strategy of forming a party that will actually be liked by the people, instead of being the one that is least detested, is going to end disastrously.”

Elsewhere, Subramanian Swamy, leader of the Janata Party weighed in on the debate, saying, “They are all wrong. Elections aren’t about winning or losing. They are about me standing in front of a mike and listening to the sound of my very own voice for as long as possible.”

In other news

Union Coal Minister Sriprakash Jaiswal found himself at the center of a controversy yesterday over his sexist remark that ‘wives lose charm over time’, sparking an outrage among women’s groups which dubbed the comment as “disgusting and derogatory.” In a surprising turn of events, the minister was ordered by a magistrate to provide a DNA sample to scientists at the Indian Institute of Science. A spokesperson for IISc explained, “We plan to seal the minister’s DNA sample in a time capsule for posterity. Someday, when aliens try to figure out why our society disappeared, hopefully Jaiswal’s DNA sample will provide a clue.”

A beleaguered Manmohan Singh, under fire for price hikes and unpopular reforms, received support from unexpected quarters earlier in the week. Asif Ali Zardari, the President of Pakistan, strongly backed the Indian PM saying, “Just because someone hasn’t won an election, that doesn’t mean he can’t run the country.”

Ruling out reconciliation with BJP’s central leadership, sulking BJP strongman in Karnataka B. S. Yeddyurappa said that he was thinking about starting his own party. Reacting to the news, BJP Leader of Opposition in the Rajya Sabha, Arun Jaitley remarked, “I have no idea why Yeddy is doing this and what he thinks of himself. Everyone knows that BJP is perfectly capable of losing elections with or without him.”

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Tagged as: politics, satire

Ian Botham and Geoff Boycott to set the Daily Libor rate

September 26, 2012 in WHAT HO! REPORTS

Ever since News of the World (NOTW), that English rag owned by Rupert Murdoch, bit the dust, there’s been this gaping void created in international news coverage. What Ho! Worry no more. We’ve stepped in to save the day. This week’s What Ho! report comes to you all the way from our roving reporter, “Spring,” who lives Down Under. Spring’s talents are many. Writing is just one of them. He’s worsted many an able foe in debates on economics, politics, history and science back in the day. It’s just awesome to have my college mate and long-time friend write for my rag.

Daily Libor setting to be overseen by independent committee

Following the enquiry into the  major Libor scandal during the days of the financial crisis, the Bank of England has formally appointed a 4 member committee with independent charge of setting the daily Libor rate. The committee would comprise former cricketers Sir Ian Botham (Somerset), Geoffrey Boycott (Yorkshire), celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay and former Spice girl, Melanie Brown (better known as Scary Spice).

Merwyn King, the BOE governor promptly commended the committee in his characteristic eloquence – “The Bank has gone to great lengths to empanel the four people in Britain who can still be depended to provide a sound and absolutely independent view of the global economic forces assailing our great nation.” (we can only assume that he excluded himself out of sheer modesty!).

Australia announces radical boat-refugee-swap measures

In what must rank as the most ruthless measure ever to deal with refugees in the history of the Western world, the Australian government has announced that it would compulsorily swap every refugee arriving via leaky boats for 2 of its own Australian-born citizens who are currently lying on its vast beaches and being supported by welfare payments.

The measures were announced by Australia’s first (openly) lesbian finance minister, Penny Wong, who waved a copy of a special McKinsey & Co., report into Australia’s multi-factor productivity while she claimed on the floor of the Australian parliament that, “This report was an absolute eye-opener to most of us in government. It showed that refugees arriving by leaky boats from Sri Lanka and Afghanistan are 4 times more productive than native-born Australians currently on Centrelink payments. This policy of refugee-swap ensures that Australia is able to tap into a perpetual cycle of incremental productivity and entrepreneurship even whilst continuously reducing the government’s budget-deficit by cutting Centrelink payments to support our home-grown bludgers.” (Note:” bludger” is Australian slang for good-for-nothing layabouts according to the Macquarie Australian dictionary.)

As expected, the measures were thoroughly condemned by Australia’s opposition parties.  Tony Abbott, Australia’s opposition leader, a well known misogynist, responded to Ms Wong’s statements in the parliament by condemning the measures as “un-Australian” and adding, “a taste of real Australia would set that <bleep> right.”

Vatican, Catholic and Jewish leaders protest, Obama’s office clarifies Middle-East comments at UN

President Obama’s official spokesperson has issued a formal statement clarifying the President’s Middle-East comments. Earlier yesterday, the President had remarked in his speech to the United Nations that the only way to deal with the problems of the Middle-East was to “deal with the root-causes of the chronic unrest and lack of stability in that region.”

The remarks have caused significant uproar in Vatican as well as Catholic and Jewish communities in the US and abroad, who see his comments as attacks on their historic roles in the Middle-East. A White House spokesperson said, “The President was in no way, I repeat, NO way referring to either the crusades allegedly sanctioned by the Vatican or indeed, the manner of creation of Israel, when he used the term “root-causes of the problems of the Middle-East.” Any such construction is plainly wrong and not intended by the President.” When pressed to clarify what else could the President have meant by his “root-causes of middle-east problems” allusion, she added, “No further comments. All I can say is that President Obama believes in strong, unambiguous rhetoric and remains committed for now to doing what it takes to get re-elected in November. Let me assure you that we do not expect to be allowed to solve the Middle-East problem.”

The What Ho! report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read the Times of India so you shouldn’t have to.

Tagged as: politics, satire

Scientists riot all over the world protesting Deepak Chopra’s latest video

September 15, 2012 in WHAT HO! REPORTS

In an alarming trend, anti-Deepak Chopra protests have broken out across the scientific world. According to reports, enraged scientists have taken to the streets in places as far away as Pasadena, California and are burning effigies of Chopra, who’s widely known for his attempts to fuse science and spirituality. The unexpected developments are rumored to have been triggered by Mr. Chopra’s increasingly frequent use of the word ‘qualia’ in his blogs and tweets, and reached a tipping point with the release of Mr. Chopra’s latest video in which he describes ‘what is qualia?’.

Cal Tech physicist, Leonard Mlodinow, defended the protests saying, “We in the scientific community haven’t seriously objected to Deepak talking about soul, reincarnation and karma over the years. But, I gotta tell you that this takedown has been a long time coming. Deepak has been relentlessly encroaching onto our territory with each passing book. He likes to take science-y terms and make exotic sounding word salads out of them. Qualia? Qualia? Seriously, come on, man. He’s now coining all new words now. This is the last straw.”

In a surprising twist, protests have spread to several university campuses around the world with the male population of students joining in. Said an agitated student, “Dude, for years, we’ve used lines from Chopra’s books to pick up chicks. Why is he trying to switch the lingo on us? Does he understand what he’s doing to us? I tried qualia on a girl the other day, and she’s now got a restraining order against me.”

In a hastily arranged press conference, Mr. Chopra responded ruefully, “I’ve been telling people to find their inner selves, and it doesn’t seem to be working. I’m sorry. I give up.”

When asked if he planned to stop writing books, he quickly responded, “No way. There’s too much money involved in that. People will read whatever I write. I don’t see a reason to stop that. But I’m now convinced that humans are bent on destroying themselves and this planet no matter what anyone tells them to do. I’ve already embraced this reality myself by joining the Tea Party movement. In fact, my next book will be called “You guys are all insane. I’ll see you in Hell.”

In other news

Rumor has it that Karan Johar and Ekta Kapoor are collaborating on a film called “Fifty shades of K.”

In a series of bold moves this week, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh announced a hefty price hike on diesel, limits on subsidized LPG and FDI in aviation and retail. Industry observers have lauded the reforms while the announcements have also sparked rumors that the PM may have started drinking heavily.

Cartoonist Aseem Trivedi, earlier arrested for sedition, had charges dropped against him. When asked, “How was it to be in prison?”, he responded, “It was pretty rough, man. Cartoon is one of the worst answers you can give to the guys inside when they ask “So what are you in for?”"

Tagged as: politics, satire

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