Spot fixing antics of Sreesanth et al have quickly escalated into a national media circus (no surprise there). The affair has led to mysterious whispers of “more heads will roll” and “there is much more to come,” and apparently causing widespread panic among the citizens of this great nation. As Mr. Ramakrishna Iyer, avid cricket fan, Hindu newspaper reader and senior citizen from Chennai bemoaned, “It’s hard to fathom how deep this thing goes. It looks like about 30 to 40 percent of the country might be involved. So I voluntarily called Delhi Police to check if they think I might have been involved without my knowing. I am now seriously worried because they have refused to rule out my role in this matter. I am at my wits end. I plan to shoot off a barrage of letters to the editor of the Hindu. What else can I do?”
Responding to this surge of anxiety among cricket lovers around the country, What Ho! has issued a booklet in public interest, which can help an average citizen figure out if she may be involved in spot fixing. While answers to questions such as ‘Are you a bookie?’ or ‘Is your name Sreesanth?’ might easily confirm culpability in spot fixing, the following additional questions might help general members of public ascertain the extent of their involvement.
Hint: The more ‘Y’s you come up, the more likely are your chances of a hot date with the Delhi Police.
- Have you ever met Dawood Ibrahim and/or have exchanged emails with him on who might win IPL this year?
- Do you send hundreds of whatsapp messages to bookies?
- Have you appeared on national TV any time in the past 12 months and made unnecessary and wild statements about being slapped by a disgruntled off spinner who was once called for chucking?
- Have you ever done anything to upset BCCI or Mr. N. Srinivasan at any point in your petty little life?
- Are you an unknown fast bowler with an inadequate bank balance, tremendous love for the game and passionate about bowling no balls off the last ball of a match?
- Do you use the phrase, “I trusted him like a brother. See what he did to me?” often?
- Do you spend a lot of time watching IPL matches while suspecting that match fixing may be rampant?
In other news
Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde lauded the efforts of Delhi Police saying, “We believe that nabbing Sreesanth and his sorry cohorts is a critical first step towards the eventual capture and trial of Hafeez Saeed.” In the meanwhile, D-company based out of Dubai issued a warning to investors that they will likely miss earnings estimates this IPL season. A spokesperson commented tersely, “With Sreesanth’s arrest, the cost of buying IPL players has gone through the roof. It’s unlikely we’ll meet street expectations this season.”
On May 22, 2013, the UPA plans to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Mr. Manmohan Singh pretending to be the Prime Minister of the country. To mark the date, Mr. Singh has vowed to launch a full blown inquiry, led by a Special Investigation Team, aimed at finding out who’s running the government that he is supposed to be in charge of.
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