It’s a crazy world we live in. This week, What Ho! unveils a brand new ranking of the world’s craziest countries, an exercise not dissimilar to that of Business Week’s famed MBA rankings.
The What Ho! top five world’s craziest countries this month are:
Top honors in our first ever ranking go to Iraq which won handily with an unanticipated but strong surge. According to reports, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), an Al-Qaeda breakaway group, has seized the towns of Mosul and Tikrit with swift and stunning assaults, and is imminently poised to take Baghdad. Furious Republicans criticized President Obama for being caught off guard. “The President has been caught sleeping,” railed Sen. John McCain when asked if he thought that the President had been caught sleeping.
President Obama maintained his trademark detached-professorial demeanor by insisting that he hadn’t ruled anything out including leaving office peacefully in 2016. “Was I sleeping when this happened? Yes, but you’ve got to understand that this thing is happening in a different time zone, dude. Look, I’ve seen a lot of shit. I just can’t deal with any more shit. First Iraq. Then Arab Spring. Afghanistan. Somalian pirates. Benghazi. Taliban prisoner swap. Syria. Boko Haram. Republican Congress. Fox News. John McCain. And now, we’re back to Iraq. I don’t think any other President has dealt with as much insanity as I have. I’m quite happy to let the world go to hell. Screw everybody,” said the Prez as he nonchalantly chewed gum and shot hoops on the White House lawn.
While top honors went to Iraq, Pakistan finished a strong second by staving off stiff challenges from Nigeria and Syria with a timely, impressive attack by the Taliban on the Karachi airport. “When we first heard about What Ho!’s rankings, we were pretty excited. We knew that there was finally a list on which we had a shot at coming in on top. I must admit that I was worried for a while wondering how we could even begin to upstage Boko Haram and the Syrian civil war. Thankfully, the Boko Haram dudes eased off on kidnappings and for some weird reason, the Syrians stopped fighting among themselves and held elections. That was the break we needed. Pakistani Taliban then stepped up to the plate with a solid dose of randomness and we were able to clinch the second spot easily. I’ll admit that it’s going to be hard to top Iraq and Fox News in the months to come but I’ll be damned if we don’t give it a good go,” said an anonymous Pakistani person after repeated assurances that he would not be described as anonymous.
A Syrian spokesman read out a terse statement from President Bashar Assad to What Ho! which said, “We’re disappointed. The President took in a solid 88.7% in a sham election. We’ve released hardened criminals only because they voted for him. Of the 11.3 percent who didn’t vote for him, half are already on death row and the rest are headed there. If that’s not crazy, then you tell us what crazy is.” Our sources in Syria tell us that Assad may have “blundered by giving up his chemical weapons too early in the game. Frankly, the war was getting boring. The elections were a nice touch but only brought comic relief. It’s hard to see Syria coming closer to the top anytime soon.”
Philosophical resignation is setting in among the backers of the Troika of Evil – Iran, Venezuela and North Korea, countries once considered doyens of insanity. “The exit of Ahmadinejad is a blow from which Iran is unlikely to recover. I’d speculate that they are in a ‘reinventing themselves’ phase,” said an analyst whose inexplicable desire to monitor Iran’s nefarious activities consumes him on a daily basis. “Kim Jong Un is no Kim Jong Il. But he’s still a Kim I wouldn’t rule him out. He’s new and learning the ropes. Let’s give him some time and see,” said Dennis Rodman, a long-time, die hard North Korea backer. The entire country of Venezuela expressed disappointment at failing to make the top 5. “After Chavez, it’s like we don’t even exist anymore. It’s a sad day when the world thinks that Thailand is crazier than you. I miss dear Hugo,” sighed a middle-aged Venezuelan as she ducked to dodge gunfire from an adjoining street.
When asked for a reaction to Russia’s respectable fifth place finish, Vladimir Putin of Russia smiled enigmatically and said, “Amateurs make news. Pros make history. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet from me. The USSR is coming back, baby. One Crimea at a time.”
In a related development, What Ho! is keenly monitoring events in Uttar Pradesh, the largest state in India. “With daily rapes and murders and now gory hangings of teeenage girls, Uttar Pradesh ranks up there with the craziest of them. If only UP was a country by itself, this ranking could have been more exciting. It would be cool if they could add the occasional bombing to their repertoire,” said Wolf Blitzkrieg, a veteran journalist who has pursued a lifelong passion of living for extended periods in crazy countries and writing about them.