Laughing Gas

Welcome to the humor section of what ho! Nothing but the very best, of course. Handpicked at Rs. 150 per kg..

Dhoom 3

December 21, 2013 in BOLLYWOOD,LAUGHING GAS

dhoomthree

Yash Raj Films didn’t set out to win an Oscar when they started the Dhoom franchise. After viewing Dhoom 3, I can attest that they remain firmly committed to that non-objective. I believe it was Werner Heisenberg, the German physicist, who once postulated as part of his Uncertainty Principle that one can have either Katrina Kaif or a script in a Bollywood film but never both. I’m happy to inform you that Dhoom 3 has Ms. Kaif in it.

A Tale of Revenge, a Circus which is really a Magic Show, Hindi Stuff Written on Walls, etc.

Dhoom 3 is a tale of revenge. Iqbal Khan (a bleary eyed Jackie Shroff) applies for a loan to an evil Darth-Vader-meets-Ku-Klux-Klan style banker with a cowboy accent. What makes this loan application interesting are 2 things: 1. Iqbal claims to run a circus, but in fact it’s really a magic show with one massive treasure chest like thingy.  2. Iqbal has not repaid loans to this banker in the past. Hence Evil Banker connects dots between 1 & 2 and refuses loan. A distraught Iqbal embraces the dark arms of Hades (via single bullet to the temple) and thus triggers a cataclysmic series of events which include aforesaid bank being robbed in broad daylight 25 years later by a mysterious thief who writes some stuff in Hindi on the walls WHICH LEADS TO (sit down, you’re not going to believe this) Mumbai police being summoned to help Chicago Police solve crimes WHICH IN TURN LEADS TO mysterious thief offering to help Mumbai Police to solve crimes WHICH IN TURN LEADS TO Mumbai Police inadvertently helping mysterious thief rob more banks and getting fired. Wait, there’s good news. At some point, the bank shares take a beating in the stock market and aforesaid EVIL BANKER is forced to resign his job. Take that, you evil Voldemort banker, you! Hope you learnt your lesson to never mess with Indian circus people.

Dhoom 3 is Aamir Khan’s gig and everyone else just happens to be it. Mr. Khan is said to be a perfectionist when it comes to film making. Well, he seems to have put aside such ideals for this movie. Mr. Khan is first introduced to viewers as he climbs out of bed in a sparsely furnished apartment in a Chicago skyscraper and walks towards the window to gaze down ominously upon the windy city. The apartment is never seen again. Perhaps the apartment is a metaphor for the script. One can only wonder.

Let’s talk about Uday, Katrina and Junior B.

Uday Chopra apparently announced his retirement from acting in the weeks leading up to the release of this film. Didn’t that train leave the station in Dhoom 1? The announcement was quite unnecessary as most people were unable to recall Mr. Chopra being in possession of acting skills in the first place. Mr. Chopra is a laboratory based, experimental version of Salman Khan in which things have just gone horribly, horribly wrong. His comic interludes are neither comic nor are they interludes.

It is said that Robert De Niro prepared for a role as Jake LaMotta in The Raging Bull by gaining sixty pounds to his frame and learning to box. Likewise Ms. Katrina Kaif appears to have prepared for her role in Dhoom 3 by taking pole dancing lessons. She enters the movie half way through it. And her first full line of dialogue makes its appearance 30 minutes after that. There’s none better than Ms. Kaif when it comes to portraying the multi-layered complexities of a modern Indian woman. She deftly demonstrates how although Indian lasses might dress in overalls and appear to be demure at first, they are in fact simmering cauldrons of sexuality and willing to shed all clothing and perform complex calisthenics, all for a mere job in the circus.

Someone, please send prune juice to Abhishek B urgently.  The lad seems to be backed up.

The Whole Bank Robbery Situation Sucks

We’re not talking Shakespearean drama here. That’s hardly the expectation. In fact, it’s not fair to judge D3 by such standards. Having said that, I feel like I ought to talk at length about the whole bank robbery situation in this movie which sucks. We live in a world filled with James Bonds and Jason Bournes and Spy Kids and Incredibles and Danny Ocean’s 13. So, we the people know a thing or two when it comes to pulling off heists or robbing banks or retrieving USB drives from ruthless saboteurs. And as anyone will attest, what makes a bank robbery interesting is how you pull it off – getting past the multi-factor authentication systems by faking finger prints and  performing yoga and tai chi to avoid coming in contact with red laser beams and then gaining access to vaults with 2-feet thick steel walls. I mean, people go through a lot of trouble to rob banks and casinos. We the people have never before seen movies before in which banks have robbed upon mere access to blue prints of building which we presume have already been posted on Facebook by bank employees anyway. We the people have never seen movies in which police hand over blue prints of bank building to complete strangers within 24 hours of meeting them. We the people ought to be surprised that more banks are not getting robbed in Mumbai, given this is how Mumbai Police seems to operate.

The Verdict

Anyway, things thankfully get sorted out by the end. I got the feeling that the actual movie was only about an hour long but was stretched to three hours thanks to slow motion technology. There’s a twist somewhere in the middle. The songs are downright spectacular. In true Indian spirit, I’d recommend watching the movie for “Malang..” alone. Dhoom 3 is paisa vasool. So go see it. And if you live in Mumbai, I’d recommend taking your money out of your bank and stashing it in your pillow.

I’m in the San Francisco Bay Area now doing some stuff. Since I’m here, I figured that I’d get my driver’s license renewed. As per the California Department of Motor Vehicles website, in order to renew the driver’s license you must -

  1. Provide an acceptable date of birth and legal presence document (e.g. passport)
  2. Provide your true and full name.
  3. Pay an application fee of $32.

In addition, the DMV website also casually mentions that you “may be” required to take a written test. On seeing this, I went into a minor tizzy. The last time I took the test (which was many moons ago), I remembered that I had walked in without any prep and nearly flunked. This time I decided in favor of prudence over valor and went through the DMV booklet the night before. Inspired, I’ve crafted the What Ho! Global Drivers License Test for you so you can see where you stand in the cosmic scheme of all driving related things.

Q1: Under what circumstances is a driver’s license required?

  1. Required to operate a motor vehicle under all circumstances.
  2. Required wherever possible.
  3. What’s a license?

Q2: If a traffic signal is not working, you must –

  1. Stop, and then proceed when safe.
  2. Accelerate as fast you can through the junction, keeping a ear out for honking that might signal a potential collision
  3. Park the car in the intersection and post a picture of the non-working signal on Facebook.

Q3: A blind pedestrian is crossing the road at an unmarked crossing. You should:

  1. Stop and let the pedestrian cross the street.
  2. Maintain your original speed, honk as loudly as you can, drive carefully around the pedestrian and try not to knock him down.
  3. Use this opportunity to slow down and check how many people liked your post on the non working signal on Facebook.

Q4: Collisions are more likely to happen when:

  1. One vehicle is travelling faster or slower than the flow of traffic.
  2. Drivers do not use their horns liberally.
  3. Two cars come into contact with each other.

Q5: When overtaking a vehicle, it is safer to return to your lane when:

  1. You see the vehicle’s headlights in your rear view mirror.
  2. There are vehicles rapidly approaching you from the opposite side of the road.
  3. You’re wondering what a lane is, at a time when people sitting in the back are yelling loudly for their lives.

Q6: When driving at night on a dimly lit road, you should:

  1. Drive slowly so you can stop within the area lighted by the headlight of your car.
  2. Switch off the lights so you blend into the background.
  3. Turn on the lights of the instrument panel so you can be visible to other drivers.

Q7: What’s the difference between a red light and a green light?

  1. Red means ‘to stop’ and Green means ‘to go’
  2. Green means ‘to accelerate instantaneously’. I’ve never really thought about what ‘Red’ means.
  3. They are just different colours in the visible spectrum.

Q8: When a policeman asks to see your driver’s license, you should:

  1. Provide the driver’s license.
  2. Open your wallet wide so you can give him a good idea of the possibilities that exist.
  3. Offer him a ride.

If you answered ’1′ to the questions above, congratulations. You’ve passed the California DMV test. If you answered ’2′, congratulations. You have a high likelihood of getting a license from the Koramangala RTO in Bangalore. If you answered ’3′, I’m afraid I don’t see a drivers license anytime in your near future.

Let’s face it. We humans are an argumentative lot. We argue on social media. We argue on television. We argue in the YouTube comments section.  In fact, studies show that in every passing second, 412,335 people are “wrong” about something, and that for each person who is considered wrong, there are 14 others who will feel inexorably compelled to point it out.

For all the arguing we do, we just don’t seem to be good at it. Arguing has been misunderstood over the centuries as something anyone with lots of time and a Twitter account can do. What’s not appreciated is that it’s an art form, the sort which requires great passion and lots of practice to excel.

Here are a few tips to help you excel.

Draw upon your deep well of emotions.

A common fallacy is to assume that logic works. Another is to assume that an argument is about issues. Winners are those who understand the power of uncontrolled emotions and that the sole purpose of an argument is to stray as far as humanly possible from issues and to stay laser focused on belittling your rival with the choicest of pejoratives.

This leads me to the merits of alcohol.

Drink.

To win an argument, it is important to create the perception of knowing things. But how do you create such a perception when, in fact, you know nothing? Rest easy, I have a solution for you.

Imagine you’re at the company party, watching a whiz kid intellectual with a fancy MBA spouting forth with nauseating fluency on the complex linkages between temperature fluctuations on the mountains of Kenya and coffee prices in India.

Ask yourself this: What is more likely to help in this situation? Tomato juice or vodka on the rocks?

I’m sure that it will come as no surprise to hear that tomato juice drinkers tend to go weak-kneed and fade silently away into the dark of the night when confronted with a troll. On the other hand, downing several shots of Old Monk or Director’s Special will not only magically endow you with unparalleled knowledge of the Kenyan economy but also cause you to eloquently hold forth your hitherto latent opinions of Kenyan culture and dazzle everyone with your keen observations on the Kenyan way of life.

Winners drink often. And they drink early.

Lie.

Truth is overrated by losers, which is why losers tend to lose. Let’s say that the argument has strayed towards the vexing issue of malnutrition among Kenyan children. And let us pretend that you have been mindlessly and passionately arguing in favour of the position that Kenyan children are surprisingly well-fed and well nourished. Instead of stating, “Kenyan children are well fed and well nourished” which is likely to be met with scorn and laughter, you must say “According to the 2004-05 UNESCO report published on Aug 12, 2012, Kenyan children were found to have consumed on average of 432.5 calories per day in summer and 453.2 calories per day in winter, both of which are considered well above national averages of all but 13 countries in the world which do not follow the British constitutional model of government.

For lying to work, precision and accuracy are paramount. Numbers with decimal points are excellent. Statistically complex sounding terms such as ’30 day moving average’ or ’24 year longitudinal median’ are genius. Always quote your false sources proactively. If you’re smart, you will quote your own widely unread blog post.

Use Latin.

Following are examples of terms you must find and commit to memory before venturing into an argument.

Ad hominem

QED

In so far as to say

Holistic

Hoi Polloi

A priori

Ceteris paribus

Latin and Greek phrases are pure gold. They indicate that you’re not to be trifled with. Random use of these languages will bludgeon all but the fiercest into submission. Use them as you would a stun gun with as little advance warning as possible for maximum effect.

Instead of “Kenyans have always had problems with democracy” you must say “Ceteris paribus, it has been shown in various studies that any a priori assumptions about holistic governance systems involving free will of hoi polloi have proven, in so far as to say, to be unjustified ad hominem attacks on the aforesaid systems themselves. QED.

No sane person can possibly withstand such an assault on the senses.

Evade.

It is possible, due to some unfortunate quirk of Fate, that you may find yourself to be the spokesperson for the Congress party. You will likely encounter questions for which you are absolutely certain that no truthful answers can be given. As winners are aware, it has been well established as a historical fact that honesty is the best policy for losers. Evasion, on the other hand, is the way of winners.

Rule no. 1 of evasion is to create the convincing illusion that you are not evading.  Start your responses with “I am glad you asked me that question..” and proceed to confidently make any unconnected statement that pops into your cranium at that point in time. A large majority of the public does not listen beyond the first 8 words. Use “I’m glad that we’re talking about this..” with no obligation to shed any further light on the topic at hand.

renuka c

Keep mum.

The highest form of evasion is to manmohan your way through slippery slopes by maintaining what must appear externally to be a thoughtful and intellectual silence. Silence accompanied by an air of carefully cultivated superiority evokes images of a zen master who has graciously descended into the petty world of humans and who shall not be subject to such petty questions as “Dude, what do you mean you misplaced the Coalgate files?

Deflect.

During the course of an argument, it’s possible that you may find your position weakening. You may find your back in close proximity to the proverbial wall. It is important to train in the dark arts of deflection so you can wriggle out unscathed from the trickiest of situations.

The following phrases were modelled after deflection techniques used by Shaolin monks and designed to blunt the most cogent of arguments. It is important that you master them in your quest for world domination.

That’s like comparing apples and oranges.

Everything is relative.

Why are you being defensive?

That’s such a typical fascist view of the world.

What are the core assumptions in your model?

For example, you might insist “Gandhiji died on Feb 10, 2010 at 430am” and your opponent might respond “No, you fool, he died on Jan 30, 1948.” You must immediately counter with “That is such a typical fascist view of the world.” If you say, “the economy grew by 8.5% according to the NCERT-AICTE study” and your opponent counters “No you fool, it grew by just 2.3% according to the RBI governor,” you must counter with “Duh, that’s like comparing apples and oranges.

Abuse.

As unlikely as it sounds, there will come a time when all has failed and you find yourself on the mat, hopelessly pinned and in dire need of copious amounts of oxygen. This is when you must pull out the big guns, and resort to sick, vile and tasteless name calling.

Comparisons with odious historical characters, innuendos about your opponent’s paternity, crassness about your rival’s gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, height and weight are perfectly acceptable. A time tested phrase is “You remind me of Hitler. You make me sick, you fascist dwarf!” Since no one likes Hitler or fascists and very few actually have seen or care about dwarves, you will pull victory out from the jaws of defeat.

Well, that’s all there is to it. What are you waiting for? Go confidently forth and win that do-or-die battle, upon which may hinge the fate of this universe itself.

Comment away and share your winning practices too!

BIG NEWS, folks. I have started a new religion.

Is there a need for a new religion, you ask? And I say no, but have gone ahead with it anyway.  In any case, I’ve already updated my Twitter bio with this announcement. So, this whole thing is kind of irreversible at this point. The die has been cast. The diem has been carpe’d. The Rubicon has been crossed. Yada Yada Yada.

A rose by another name..

I’ve named the religion, to which we all now belong, as Tacoism. We? Yes. We. You have all been automatically enrolled into Tacoism. If you wish to opt out of the Taco of Life, please send the following via registered post, acknowledgement due.

  1. 12 passport sized photos
  2. PAN number
  3. Income tax returns for the last three years.
  4. An opt-out application letter in triplicate. [ NOTE: You must send only one original and two duplicates. If you send three originals, your opt-out application will be rejected ]

Note: Once you have received the acknowledgement for registered post, you will need to send a scanned copy of the same via email.

Alternatively, you can take the “EASY OPT OUT” option by simply mailing me a check for any sum above one million US dollars.

If you’re a keen observer of things in general, you will have noticed that I have just become the undisputed leader of the world’s largest religion.

About Tacoism

Although founded as recently as August 1 2013, Tacoism is an ancient religion based on the Taco of Life and is as old as the universe itself.

As the 5th century BC Tacoist Laco Tze once astutely pointed out, “Tacoism is in no way responsible for any happiness that you may experience from being a Tacoist. All happiness (or lack of it) is entirely in your hands.”

If you didn’t know, there is an long and undocumented history of Tacoists living (but mostly dying) by its timeless motto: Let go. Be happy.

Tacoism FAQ

I’ve been working furiously to clear questions which are pouring in (from mostly non practicing) newly aware Tacoists. Here is a mini FAQ below.

What holidays does Tacoism observe? And what are the rituals to be followed?

You’ll be pleased to know that the first Friday of every month is a religious holiday. In addition, there are two floating Thursdays a year. Those of you following the Mahayana version of Tacoism can opt for Mondays instead of Fridays and Tuesdays instead of Thursdays. You may wish to work with the HR departments in your companies to have the Tacoist holidays incorporated into the company calendar.

The faithful are requested to observe their faith by watching YouTube for a minimum of four hours on company bandwidth on Tacoist holidays.

[ Note: There has been some confusion in this regard. Although Tacoism does not require you to watch YouTube on non holidays, it does not specifically bar you from watching YouTube on non holidays. Let's make it simple and say that you can basically do whatever your Tacoist awareness permits. ]

Is Tacoism an open source religion?

After much deliberation, I’ve decided to open source Tacoism. In other words, you can add your own rules, diktats and commandments as long as no one else is required to follow them. Any rules, diktats and commandments that you make up will apply only to you. Other than the rules I may impose upon you from time to time.

What do we call ourselves on our business cards?

There was a small dilemma over whether to call ourselves “Virat Tacoists” or “Taco Nationalists.” I am happy to say that good sense has prevailed and we’re going to call ourselves “Taco-ularists.” In a divided and polarized universe, I strongly believe that Taco-ularism is the need of the hour although I could be very wrong about this.

Please note: You can be a Taco-ularist and believe in Tacotva at the same time. Also, I have no idea what that means.

What God or Gods do we worship?

This is yet to be finalized. Truth be told, this was the seventh item on my Tacoism to-do list and I was hoping to get to this shortly after I ensured Tacoists are guaranteed 100 percent quota in education and public sector jobs. Unfortunately, Tacoists have been piling steady pressure for this to be answered quickly. Here’s my position:

At the moment, I’m leaning towards appropriating any and all Gods worshiped by any humans or extra terrestrials at any point in time and at any place in the galaxy. Based on last count, we may end up having approximately 332 million and fourteen Gods. One of the issues is with having Gods is that we may not be able to keep the atheists within the fold. So I plan to address atheist sentiments by converting following groups of humans into Tacoist Gods.

  1. Anyone who has won a Nobel Prize
  2. Anyone who’s discovered an element in the Periodic Table
  3. Anyone who has a scientific law named after her/him
  4. Anyone who finds the Higgs-Boson particle
  5. Anyone with over 1 million followers on Twitter

I request patience as I sort through this delicate matter before publishing the final list.

What is the Mahayana version of Tacoism?

Other than differences in religious holidays, Mahayana Tacoists will get enjoy a detached sense of superiority as they gaze upon the world at large. That’s all I have at this point.

What’s the Holy Book called?

I haven’t decided on a name yet. “The Tacoist’s Guide to the Galaxy” sounds fetching. Another option is “Who moved my Taco?” I am not sure what will be in the Holy Book. But I’m sure that there will be one rule that will apply to it. The holy book of Tacoism will be compulsorily erased and rewritten every 20 years.

Are there Tacoist mythologies? 

At the moment, there are none. Soon there will be many. I will plant them discreetly all over the internet so you can quote them in your religious debates on Facebook. Tacoist mythologies will contain characters who are ambivalently righteous, filled with existential angst and often known to ask themselves, “Dude, what’s going on?” I assure you that there will soon be a plethora of mythical tales filled with the deeds of tortured Tacoists waging epic battles against unknown and uncertain fates.

How can I evangelize Tacoism?

There is no need to convert anyone to Tacoism. Every one is already part of it. Please let people know that they are Tacoists whether they like it or not.

Anything else?

The following topics will be covered in the Holy Book.

  1. What happens to Tacoists when they die? Do they go to heaven or hell? Are they reborn? Or do the lights just go out?
  2. What is good and bad in the Taco Way of Life?
  3. Who created Tacoists? Was it God? Or ..what else can it really be, right?
  4. Why are reality shows popular? What is the Tacoist view on Bigg Boss and Jhalak Dhikla Jaa?

Stay tuned for more Tacoism updates to come here on What Ho! In the meanwhile, do let me know your questions and comments below.

Stay strong and stay true to the Taco of Life. As Yoda, a Tacosattva from a faraway galaxy once put it, “The Taco with you may be.”

It’s 2013. Imagine we are all passengers in a plane flying at 30,000 feet above sea level. Now let’s make it large and say we are in an Airbus A380, an aircraft built for long haul flights. Some of us are under the impression we’re headed for Utopia. Yet others dream of Shangri La or El Dorado. And some of us are merely content to escape without bodily injuries when the plane lands at some unknown yet to be determined destination.

All goes swimmingly well for some time. And then, it becomes disconcertingly obvious that we haven’t heard from the pilot for a while. So, I decide to go check things out. As I walk along the aisle towards the pilot’s cabin, the whispers get louder. Turns out that we are running out of gas and we have just a few hours left. But the good news is that we can refuel in mid-air if we manage to not crash the plane first. So it has become obvious that unless we find a good pilot, we’re all screwed.

Naturally I appoint myself chief problem solver and decide to interview candidates for the job. Now, read the interviews carefully because I’m going to ask you to vote for a pilot at the end.

Interview 1

What Ho!: State your name, please.

Manmohan Singh:

WH: OK. I get it. Your silence speaks a thousand words. But if you don’t want to get fired, I must ask you to speak. Aren’t you our current pilot? What the hell happened? Why are we in trouble?

MS: Winds of global turbulence. My wings got clipped. My crew didn’t cooperate. You have no idea how hard this is.

WH: Hmm.. From your resume, I see that you’re not even a trained pilot. You have a PhD in air traffic control. Who on earth went and made you our pilot?

MS:

WH: Sir, what happened to the fuel? Why are we running short?

MS: I swear to God I don’t know how that happened. They told me to make a few unscheduled stops in Switzerland. Next thing I knew, the fuel gauge showed ‘E’.

WH: What’s the most important thing you’ll do if we let you keep your job?

MS: I believe in inclusion. I won’t throw anyone off the plane. Even if it means crashing the plane first. Either we fly together or we die together. I say we die together. And please don’t let me keep my job.. I beg of you.. please..

WH: OK, you want us to die together. And you don’t want to pilot the plane. Got it. Thank you Sir.

Interview 2

WH: And you are..?

< random voices from the back.. “Dey, how dare you ask his name? Do you not know that he’s the Lion of Gujarat?” >

WH: Ok..ok.. Sorry. Modi-ji, I’m having a hard time hearing you over the cacophony of your supporters. Can you ask them to pipe down?

NaMo:  <waves imperially and an immediate hush descends>

WH: Sir, have you flown a plane before?

NaMo: Yes. I have. Not an A380. A smaller one.  I’ve logged 11 years of flying experience. It’s all on my website. All my fans know this by heart.

WH: That’s good. I’ve heard that you had some trouble with passengers from a certain community on your flights. How do you respond to that?

NaMo: When you fly a plane, a few birds tend to get caught in the engines. C’est la vie.

WH: No regrets at all? Come on sir. Don’t be a Darth Vader.

NaMo: What’s that got to do with flying a plane? Look, I’m the best you’ve got. Everyone knows it.

WH: Come on sir. You’re not making this easy for us. Tell us the truth.

NaMo: You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. You’re screwed without someone like me. Namaste-ji. Nice talking to you. < smiles and leaves>

Interview 3

WH: Hey Rahul, how’s things in London these days?

RG: Don’t even ask, dude. I can’t even go peacefully anywhere without a flood ravaging a state somewhere in the country.

WH: We all love you. You’re our Prince. We want you to share our joys and sorrows with us. Please understand.

RG: <distracted> Hey what’s that shiny object over there?

WH: Okie. Now, coming back to our interview.. You’re clearly not a pilot. Why are you even interviewing? Why bother? What’s wrong with London? Or Rome?

RG: Hello?  I’ll have you know that my dad was a pilot. And his mother before him. And my great grandpa is the great grand daddy of all pilots. And my great great grand pa was a lawyer…

WH: Ok ok, i get it. Stop. Umm, let’s see.. what’s the most important thing a pilot has to do?

RG:  That shiny object over there is distracting me.

WH: I think we’re done here, young Rahul. Stay blessed.

Interview 4

WH: And who may you be?

NK: I am the SECULAR man.

WH: Nitish-ji, at the risk of asking the obvious, what the hell does that mean? And what does that have to do with flying a plane?

NK: Hey, I’ve flown a plane too. Unlike the Lion of Gujarat, I don’t hit birds.

WH: Do you wish to fly this plane, Nitish-ji?

< voice from the back: Saar.. he’s 100 percent tunch pilot maal material.. >

< WH: Is that Diggy or Shotgun? Either way, khamosh! >

WH: So, do you want to fly this plane or not?

NK: I don’t want THAT guy to fly THIS plane.

WH: Ok, I hear you. See ya later.

Interview 5

WH: Hi Arvind, how’s the rabble rousing going?

AK: Things are pretty good. I have 1 lakh followers on Twitter. And I’ve disconnected 24 electricity meters till date.

WH: Have you flown a plane before?

AK: Plane-aaa? I haven’t even driven an auto yaar..

WH: Ciao. See you later.

AK: Hey this is unfair! If you don’t give me a chance, I’ll remove the batteries from this plane.

WH: My advice. Help us pick a pilot instead of trying to become one yourself.

Interview 6

WH: Hazare-ji, do you really want to do this?

AH: Not really. I prefer to spend my time tying drunken fellows to trees and whipping them.

WH: What are you then interviewing for?

AH: All I want is a Jan Lokpal watching the pilot and crew. I don’t trust these guys.

WH: Nice meeting you, sir.

Interview 7

WH: Hello Arnab. What are you even doing here?

AG:  Straight question for What Ho. Who’s going to pilot this plane?

WH: I take it that it’s not you.

AG: Dei.. don’t avoid. The nation needs answers.

WH: Dei. I thought the nation had already written to you saying it doesn’t need answers?

AG: Be careful. Be very careful. One does not simply use ‘Dei’ with Arnab Goswami.

WH: Ciao, Arnab. I’ve got work to do.

Interview 9

WH: Welcome Subramaniam Swamy Sir! You are a veritable international man of mystery. A fountain of conspiracy theories. A source of inspiration for anyone who thinks Twitter is a source of inspiration…Sir,it’s an honor having..

SS: What Ho, let me cut to the chase. I have filed a PIL with the Supreme Court asking for it to urgently appoint a new pilot. Hearing is next Tuesday.

WH: Next Tuesday? We’re going to crash in 2 hours.. Anyway, please go on. Will we get any results?

SS: Results and all may or may not come. Keep filing PILs and tweeting. That’s my game.

WH: What’s your typical day like?

SS: Some days, I file more PILs and send less tweets. On other days, I send more tweets and file less PILs.

WH: What do you tweet about?

SS:  I tweet about how TDK controls MMS’s joystick. About how CRTs are really Buddhu chelas.

WH: What the hell does that even mean?

SS: Well, you appear to be more idiotic than those Buddhu chelas. Let me put it this way. By TDK, I am not referring to a Japanese corporation.

WH: Have you flown a plane before?

SS: I was a mechanic 20 years back. And I got a degree from Harvard 40 years back.

WH: Sir, do you want to be the pilot or not?

SS: Crazier things have happened. Why not? Let me tell you one thing. If I become the pilot, I’m taking you all to Disneyland.

WH: Thank you sir.

Final Interview

WH: Ma’am, why are you crying?

SG: I’m moved by hearing that people from a certain community on this plane are going to die if this plane crashes.

WH: Ma’am, if this plane crashes, people from all communities will die. BTW, rumor has it that you have a lot to do with this mess… that you haven’t allowed Manmohan to use his joystick?

SG: Nothing of the sort. It’s typical Indian mentality to blame foreigners for their mess.

WH: Ma’am, why don’t you just take over and fly the plane? I have a feeling you’ll be good at this. Democracy be damned, I’ll give you the job if you ask for it.

SG: Sorry. Thanks but no thanks. I can’t be the pilot and manage bank accounts at the same time, no?

WH: I’m sure it’s our loss. Thank you, ma’am.

Sorry folks, if this has been exhausting. I will now lean back, pour myself a stiff one and hand over the unenviable job of voting for a pilot to you.