June 17, 2013

Secular man all set to unveil the ‘Grand Unified Modi Theory’

In what should bring cheer to secular proponents in India, a Mumbai based mathematician Mr. Laloo Prasad Kumar is on the verge of unveiling what he calls the “the grand unified Modi theory.” What Ho! caught up with Mr. Kumar to get the inside scoop on his cutting edge research which he threatens “will blow the lid off” Narendra Modi’s prime ministerial prospects in 2014. Here are some excerpts from the interview below.

What Ho!: Mr. Kumar, without any further ado, please tell us all about your theory. We’re all agog.

LP Kumar: As you must be aware, Modi is a bad man. A very bad man. Although we have been investigating his role in the 2002 riots for the last ten years, the courts have been able to find no evidence for his culpability beyond reasonable doubt. Isn’t it the job of courts to find Narendra Modi guilty? This got me thinking that we have been singularly focused on Gujarat and 2002. Why not link Modi to (say) the tsunami in 2004? Or the financial markets collapse in 2008? Or even the production of Ra One? These are horrific calamities that have befallen us and we haven’t explored Modi’s roles in any of them. He seems to be getting away scot free. That’s when I decided to come up a grand, unified mother-of-all-theories hypothesis that links Modi to every possible tragedy that we as a nation have encountered since the time he was born. I call this ‘the grand unified Modi theory.”

WH: Umm. What’s your theory built around? Are you using any special algorithms or big data technologies? Maybe chaos theory? Or quantum mechanical principles? What’s your secret sauce?

LPK: It’s pretty simple. The entire theory is built on pure conjecture. It’s quite amazing what you can come up with after a few rounds of Scotch. And of course, I believe everything I read on the Internet.

WH: As purely a matter of record, are you high right now? Have you ever been to Gujarat?

LPK: Well, I do smoke a joint or two every so often. And no, I’ve never been to Gujarat. Is that a problem?

WH: No problem, dude. It would be nice if you can share some of the good stuff with us before you leave. So, how would you describe yourself? What are your interests?

LPK: I am what they call an impeccably secular man. I’ve always believed in the form of secularism that involves self-flagellation of the majority to the point where state and religion are ground into a fine indistinguishable mixture. My idea of a perfect evening is to have a couple of shots, followed by a joint and watch Sagarika Ghose on TV, all the while trolling Internet Hindus on Twitter. Isn’t the world beautiful, man?

WH: Of course. The world is beautiful, man. Byt why Modi? Why not Advani or Sushma Swaraj or other BJP leaders?

LPK: Modi is the big cahuna. The ultimate prize. The holy grail of secularism is to take this man down. Isn’t it obvious?

WH: Yep. It’s now more painfully obvious than ever before. Do you realize that the more you guys do stuff like this, the more there is this backlash against you which might translate into support for Modi?

LPK: That’s true. But we’re all-in on Modi. It’s time to move all the chips to the centre of the table and roll the dice. My grand unified theory will blow the lid of this very bad man’s prime ministerial prospects. I recently shared the theory with Nitish Kumar, chief minister of Bihar. And look what happened.

WH: Shame on me. Here I was thinking that Nitish Kumar pulled out because he was upset with Chetan Bhagat giving him advice. Anyway you mentioned that you enjoy watching Sagarika Ghose’s TV show. As a related question, have you ever been swindled by the Nigerian email scamsters?

LPK: That’s so cool and amazing, man. How did you know? Twice as a matter of fact. I had not even reported either of those to the police.

WH: He He.. call it a lucky guess. Anyway, thank you for speaking to us, and good luck with that Unified Theory thing. Dude, I have to say this again. You really need to share whatever you are smoking with the rest of us. Given the shit shape the country is in right now, I think we could use that more than your theory.

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