January 28, 2012

Scientists believe that the BJP doesn’t exist

With the UPA government bogged down in scandal, internecine and coalition politics, the inability of BJP to cash in on the waning popularity of the government has led scientists to believe that the party may not exist at all.

“Normally, when the government’s approval declines significantly, it is reasonable to expect the Opposition to gain ground. Instead, all the disapproval seems to have vanished into thin air and has not resulted in any gains for BJP. Naturally, we have grounds to believe that BJP may be non existent. The data collected suggests that the party might, in fact, be a black hole”, said Dr. Viru Sahasrabuddhi, a leading scientist from the Indian Institute of Science, at a press conference in Bangalore.

Theories about the non-existence of BJP are nothing new, and have been steadily gaining ground since the debacle of 2004 elections. However, Dr. Sahasrabuddhi admitted that there is still some nagging evidence to the contrary, such as statements made by the perennially outspoken Uma Bharati, considered the stormy petrel of BJP.

“It is the consensus of the scientific community that there is no logical explanation for Ms. Uma Bharati”, he said.

In Other News

According to sources, we believe that the DMK party, acting on advice from McKinsey and Co, will exit politics by the second quarter of 2012, and instead focus full time on their core competencies in land grabbing. Mr. Karunananidhi, the octogenarian leader of the party, has also been advised by McKinsey to “lose his scary sunglasses”. “We believe that his frightening Darth Vader look could be the sole reason for escalating tensions with neighboring states”, said a McKinsey partner under assurance of anonymity.

Acceding to demands from Darul Uloom Deoband, the UPA government successfully foiled the plans of author Salman Rushdie to visit the Jaipur Literary Festival. In a further attempt to appease the Deoband and garner votes in the upcoming UP elections, the government has now petitioned the US to include India in its Axis of Evil, demanding the slot recently vacated by Saddam Hussein.

Democrats cheered Newt Gingrich’s victory in South Carolina in the US Republican presidential primaries. Reactions have ranged from “ecstatic to euphoric”.

Zen moment of the week

A Karan Johar produced remake of an Amitabh Bachchan movie from 1990, Agneepath opened to brisk box office collections this weekend. We may lag China and the US on the economic front, but, we are the undisputed world leaders when it comes to unimaginative remakes of crappy movies. The What Ho! team plans to launch a civil society movement towards the creation of a Jan Lokpal dedicated to monitoring and stopping Mr. Johar from entering any movie set in the future.

[note] The What Ho! Report: Headlines, baseless rumors and no news whatsoever. We read Times of India so you shouldn’t have to. [/note]

Previous post:

Next post: