November 4, 2012

Mukesh Ambani announces plans to buy the government

MUMBAI – Mukesh Ambani, Chairman and CEO of Reliance Industries, confirmed rumors today that he plans to purchase the UPA government and rights to all governments that will be elected in the future in India.

“I know that the people of India are impatient with the government and don’t trust political parties,” said Mr. Ambani, “and for good reason. The root cause for this malaise is that the government has not been accountable to anyone. Which is why I’ve decided to buy the government out and make it answerable to me.”

Mr. Ambani has hired Goldman Sachs to complete due diligence on the acquisition, and expects their report to be completed by end of 2012.

“We’re pleased to be appointed lead advisors on this critical project. Our bankers provide mergers and acquisitions advice and services to our clients on some of their most complex strategic decisions and transactions. We’re especially very familiar with the process of acquiring governments, having most recently bought out the US government in the aftermath of the great financial crisis of 2007-08,” said Mr. Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs at a press conference in New York city earlier today.

“My vision for India is simple and straightforward. It’s to ensure that all people will have free and unfettered access to buying shares of Reliance Industries Ltd. Some day in the future when I retire, I’d like to hand over a couple of governments to my son so he can live comfortably,” added Mr. Ambani.

Responding to questions on possible changes in governance, Mr. Ambani explained, “For starters, the capital of the country will be immediately shifted to Antilla in Mumbai. I plan to privatize Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha and bring in corporate investment. All current members will be forced into voluntary retirement. In future, 49% of the seats will go to the highest bidders. I plan to retain 51% ownership of the Houses. People will no longer to need to vote. If they wish to have voting rights, they can become RIL share holders. Once I complete the acquisition of the Central Government and the Houses, I plan to complete acquisitions of all state governments as soon as possible, so we can have harmonious Centre-State relationships.”

In a rare display of emotion and candor, Mr. Ambani added wistfully, “You have to understand my real reasons for doing this. So far, I’ve been forced to carry all these chaps around, hidden in my pockets. In fact, my pockets are so full that I don’t have place to keep even my cell phone or the house keys. Is this any way to live? Enough is enough. Instead of being all secretive, it’s more convenient to be open and buy at discounted prices.”

Shares of RIL finished up 1,000 pct in after-market trading on news of the announcement.

Tweets from the week gone by

https://twitter.com/waatho/status/263210333722783744

https://twitter.com/waatho/status/262764032946237441

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