July 29, 2012

Loot and Scoot

Loot-and-Scoot is a new service from What Ho! carefully crafted to help arrange an urgent and secretive getaway for an Indian politician looking to disappear without trace, should the need arise at any stage in his career. Please share this application form with anyone who might be interested.

APPLICATION FORM

NOTE:  Loot-and-Scoot is a cash-only business. Cheques and credit cards are not accepted. Neither do we engage in barter of any kind.

1. Select the best description of your current situation.

(a) CBI has filed a chargesheet against you      

(b) Subramanian Swamy has named you defendant in a PIL     

(c) You’re at present in Tihar and have applied twice unsuccessfully for bail     

(d) Parliament sessions have been suspended for fourteen days in a row on your account          

(e) You’re a former telecom minister, and belong to the DMK party          

2. I am interested in the following Escape Packages.

Feel free to opt for as many packages as you would like.

(a) The Google + package – You will be placed in a location which everyone knows exists, but no one ever visits          

(b) The Ra One special – Those who accidentally see you will be traumatized for the rest of their lives             

(c) The Higgs Boson package – Some will come tantalizingly close to spotting you, but no one will be able to nail you down           

(d) The Presidential Pardon deal – A full, unconditional pardon so you can go back to living it up            

Note: You have to be both Pakistani and a member of a terrorist organization to qualify for the Presidential Pardon deal

3. Loot-and-Scoot offers the following extraordinary benefits above and beyond the above escape packages. Select all that interest you:

(a) Facial reconstruction           

(b) Untraceable phone number with spousal ID blocking           

(c) Obliteration of all audio and video content from sting operations             

(d) Personal handling of sub poenas, writs and other legal matters by Ram Jethmalani          

(e) Quick and clean distress sale of any airlines or cable TV networks that you may own now             

(f) “No jokes. No wisecracks. No teasing” bundle           

Note: The “No jokes, No wisecracks, No teasing” bundle” may be cancelled at any time without notice if we’re unable to control ourselves.

4. Check your preferred mode of fake “death and disappearance.”

Select only one. Choose carefully.

(a) Helicopter crash on a rainy afternoon          

(b) Mysterious fire in government building          

(c) Fake kidnapping by Maoists             

(d) Shot at point blank range by a deranged relative            

(e) Heart attack on live TV while arguing with Arnab Goswamy              

SPECIAL CLAUSES & WAIVER

I agree that Loot-and-Scoot will not provide any refunds whatsoever. I also agree that all breaches of contract will be settled only through mediation. I also agree that such mediation will be arbitrated by a panel comprising solely of members from Team Anna and Supreme Court justices.

Signed                     

Use only an alias.

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