India iPhone, Windows 8

7 iPhone apps that Indians need

August 20, 2011 in INDIA,LAUGHING GAS

According to Livemint, India is the world’s second-largest market, after China, for telecom services with 812 million subscribers at the end of March 2011. 2010, they say, was the year of the smartphone in India. We will remember these last few years as the time when the phone was transformed into anything but a phone.

Hardware vendors like Apple, which launched iPhone 4 recently and Samsung, which has over 15 smartphones in its portfolio, are eyeing the potential of the Indian market. With availability of 3G now rolled out by leading telecom operators like Vodafone and others, and with continuing drop in hardware and data usage costs, the smartphone has a bright future in this land of a billion people.

Apple and iPhone apps:  Unparalleled phenomenon

In case you missed it, the Apple phenomenon is unparalleled in brand history. A technology company named after a fruit has succeeded in penetrating pysche of consumers and inspiring almost fanatical devotion, much more than any other company. When Apple whispers about a new product, that whisper becomes the loudest roar since the moon landing. Campers start lining up. All for the pleasure of having and holding.

Design, development, sales and marketing of iPhone apps is no longer a cottage industry. It now increasingly looks more like big and serious business. There are many reasons for that. At the root of them all lies a human desire to stay connected and a proclivity for mobility. The size of the smartphone app market was an estimated $6.8B in 2010, of which Apple accounted for a lion’s share. The top grossing iPhone apps of 2010 include the ubiquitously famous Angry Birds as well as, interestingly, three “zombie” apps (Plants vs Zombies, Zombie Farm and Call of Duty:Zombies) providing that man’s fascination with zombies is endless and insatiable.

With what looks like three fourths of the world’s GDP now being spent on dorky games and junk apps, it’s about time some one invented something that was actually useful. Something useful to the world’s second largest market?

Laughing Gas issues a clarion call to all those Apple iOS SDK ninjas out there to pay heed and urgently begin development on what we believe to be the 7 most needed iPhone apps for Indians.

7 iPhone apps Indians need

7.  2-mt Passport Photoshop

If you haven’t already read Laughing Gas’s exposition on the passport photo situation in this country, you must. To get just about anything done here, a steady and handy supply of passport photos is a must. The 2-mt Passport Photoshop app is a mini-ERP for passport sized photo management, and will keep track of incoming orders, check current inventory levels using RFID and trigger production of optimal numbers. All you need is to take a photo of yourself, in any condition, at any age. The app will shave and clothe you, remove bags under the eyes and lop 10 years off your age. Send to nearest printer via bluetooth. Upgrade option available to send directly to collection agent’s pockets. All in 2 minutes.

6. Angry Indian Bird app

Fed up with scams? Enraged at netas looting the till on their watch? Frustrated at having no avenue for action? Need to get anger out of the system?

Say no more. Download the Angry Indian Bird app, get that anger out of your system and achieve the state of supreme Satchitananda that only Zen masters and Maharishis have seen. The app will allow you to live in a parallel Utopian universe of your own design where you can walk the streets as a virtual vigilante and supreme dispenser of justice. Create your own government, supreme court and law and order systems.  Invoke Section 144 at your own sweet will. Lathi charge those disorderly queue breakers. Disconnect those telemarketers. Hang those chors. Fast until death against yourself.

5. Shaadi Bazaar app

An app tailor made for money grubbing, greedy in-laws. Upon entry of the usual  information such as age, height, weight, religion, caste, sub-caste and horoscope, it will prompt a prospective in-law to enter the following: Target dowry amount, bank account number, inclination to spend time in jail and names of friends already in jail. Press submit and hey presto, following report is produced.

21 matches found

11 do not meet target dowry amount

9 would like to terminate you

1 found suitable, with 68% chance of being incarcerated post dowry collection.

4. The Tele-Terminator app

The Tele-Terminator is a protective pepper spray for use against invasive telemarketing companies. Please read the following instructions for usage carefully.

  1. Answer incoming call from random number
  2. Wait for call to connect
  3. Press second red button at the bottom (see image to your left)
  4. Rub hands in glee
  5. Wait for next incoming call from random number
  6. Repeat above

3. The Ultimate Route Planner

Plain vanilla GPS is uncool. Of what use is a talking machine that merely tells you “200 meters ahead, turn right” and stays oblivious to on-the-ground action. The Ultimate Route Planner will go where no app has gone before. Into the realms where data meets its makers and will offer actually useful choices such as

Your starting point: Somewhere in Bangalore city

Your destination: Bangalore International Airport

13 routes identified.

Top 3 routes displayed below

1.  Distance: 45 km, via city, 1147 potholes, 47 potential lurking dashers across the road, 4 traffic cop leeches  on route, Normal expected time: 45 minutes. Recommendation: Avoid as it is end of month

2. Distance: 57 km, via ring road, 24 potholes, 1million office goers in four-wheelers, 14 flyovers under construction. Normal expected time: 1 hour 15 minutes. Recommendation: Avoid, as inconsequential junior Minister on way to airport with entourage

3. Distance: 347kms, via Chennai. Normal expected time: 6hrs and 10 minutes. Recommendation:  Recommended, as fastest route to destination

2. Missed Call Analytico App

Nearly one in four calls in India is a “missed call”. People use it for everything from summoning drivers, sending pre-arranged messages, telling customers that their order is ready, to signaling endearment to loved ones. The last one is a bit puzzling though.  ”I am willing to find your number from my address book. I am willing to go even as far as dialing it. My ears stand ready and my muscles stay flexed to hear the first ring. But, that’s where I draw the line. Once the ring is heard, I will disconnect call with the agility of a chinese acrobat on steroids”.  Well, I guess nothing says ‘I love you’ more than a missed call.

The Missed Call Analytico app will provide features and reports, a sample of which is provided below:

Number of missed calls made last week: 447

Number of missed calls received: 1623

The last time you spoke to anybody and paid for a call: 21 years, 3 months, 12 days, 1hour, 5 minutes and 17 seconds back

Your most frequent missed caller:  Unknown Random Number of Unknown Random Company

Would you like to terminate “Unknown Random Company”? Press big red button.

1. Time and Space Machine app

Play the following in your mind and then imagine the endless possibilities of the Time and Space machine app.

The drum in your washing machine has given up its ghost and needs to be replaced. You call washing machine service shop. They designate friendly field technical service rep (FFTSR) to replace drum. They give you FFTS’s mobile phone number.  You fix an appointment. The day of appointment dawns. The designated hour arrives. No sign of FFTSR. An hour later, you call FFTSR.

FFTSR: Hello?

Note: There will always be sound of massive traffic, construction and static in the background. It will always be difficult for FFTSR to hear you. And he will always say Yes no matter what is being asked.

You: Are you coming to repair the washing machine?

FFTSR:  Yes, madam

You:  You were supposed to be here 1 hour back

FFTSR:  Sorry, madam. I am now in Koramangala. Just 5 minutes, madam. I’ll be there.

This is precisely where the Time and Space Machine app kicks in. It will capture the coordinates of FFTSR, monitor voice modulations and breathing patterns, and produce a report as follows:

FFTSR Location Detected:   Mysore, 100 miles from your present location

Lie Detection Level:   Stratospheric

Probability of Drum Being Repaired:   Unlikely in Kali Yuga

Options:   1. Wait for new Brahma to be born 2. Buy new washing machine

Have any more desi iPhone apps that you can think of? Do write back. Apple ninjas are standing by.

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  • uma chandra

    completely rings true. side splitting everyday humor. LoL. i wish the services industry would lap up your ideas with great fervor. oink! 
    a big red button option for no.1 too. 

    wishful thinking. what if #1, #4 and #6 apps worked together… sub-standard product, bad service, annoying calls, a big red bird comes swooping down and it’s finito — “end company x”

    (chirpy) customer service executive from company x: “good day sir, we’re calling for feedback.  do you own our product x?” 
    (disgruntled) customer #145: “hmm. yes. i do. it broke down just one day after the warranty period was over! i’ve received a 100 calls from the likes of you. nobody has attended to my complaint so far.”
    (confident) customer service executive: “sorry about that sir. er, sir, one more important question if you don’t mind. do you play angry birds version indian?”
    (confused first) customer #145: “sorry, what?” (light-bulb moment. after a meaningful wicked pause) “heh. heh. oh yeah, i do! btw, your company is chart topper in ‘angry-red-herring’s-who’s-who?’ list” (chuckles)
    (sweating & cold) customer service executive: “sir, good news for you. we’re upgrading you to  our premium customer list. your call will be attended to rightaway, asap, pronto, now. thank you. have a pleasant day, sir” (click)

  • Ganubhai

    Dude my fav is tele terminator and missed call analytico – you made my morning. Keep rocking.

    • http://whatho.in what ho!

      As they say, what an idea, Sirjee :-) thanks for reading and writing back! cheers and let's keep rocking!

  • Appa Amma

    Amazing and hilarious.I would like to have a phone with those appa

  • uma chandra

    completely rings true. side splitting everyday humor. LoL. i wish the services industry would lap up your ideas with great fervor. oink! 
    a big red button option for no.1 too. 

    wishful thinking. what if #1, #4 and #6 apps worked together… sub-standard product, bad service, annoying calls, a big red bird comes swooping down and it's finito — "end company x"

    (chirpy) customer service executive from company x: "good day sir, we're calling for feedback.  do you own our product x?" 
    (disgruntled) customer #145: "hmm. yes. i do. it broke down just one day after the warranty period was over! i've received a 100 calls from the likes of you. nobody has attended to my complaint so far."
    (confident) customer service executive: "sorry about that sir. er, sir, one more important question if you don't mind. do you play angry birds version indian?"
    (confused first) customer #145: "sorry, what?" (light-bulb moment. after a meaningful wicked pause) "heh. heh. oh yeah, i do! btw, your company is chart topper in 'angry-red-herring's-who's-who?' list" (chuckles)
    (sweating & cold) customer service executive: "sir, good news for you. we're upgrading you to  our premium customer list. your call will be attended to rightaway, asap, pronto, now. thank you. have a pleasant day, sir" (click)

  • Ganubhai

    Dude my fav is tele terminator and missed call analytico – you made my morning. Keep rocking.

  • http://whatho.in what ho!

    if 1, 4 and 6 were to be combined somehow, it would yield such power to customers that might have unimaginable consequences for this planet and lead to the end of marketing as we know it :-)

  • Pingback: 7 iPhone apps that Indians need | The UnReal Times

  • Sita

    LOL, ahem this is from a person who does not own a “smart phone” :)

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